Grads and Dads Everyday Aphorisms Day-to-Day 2008/2009 Desk Calendar

365 sayings for Grads and Dads apiece (730 sayings total)
This calendar is written by Mike Spiegelman, copyright 2008.

Happy Father's Day, Dad! And congratulations, Grad! This gift is a celebratory calendar that gives you each your own advice, humor, and wisdom for your next 12-month journey. It's the perfect June present from either a family member or well-wisher.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Dad: Enjoy the summer all day today, Pop!
Grad: School's out and summer's on!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Dad: Go see a blockbuster movie opening today!
Grad: Don't forget to get a summer job. Not!

Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dad: Gas prices might hamper this weekend's plans. Not!
Grad: Let's go to the beach! Forever young!

Friday, July 4, 2008
Independence Day
Dad: Happy Birthday, Fathers of America!
Grad: Woot, I'm drunk.

Saturday, July 5, 2008
Dad: City parks are open for barbecue pits and picnic tables.
Grad: Go to the mall.

Sunday, July 6, 2008
Dad: Laundry day.
Grad: What am I doing to do with my life?

Monday, July 7, 2008
Dad: Count the people at the office with tans.
Grad: Look for work at the mall.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Dad: Wipeout is on ABC tonight. TiVo it.
Grad: Hang out with old school buds.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Dad: Rehydrate with 8 cups of water today, and every day.
Grad: Wake up at friend's house.

Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dad: Recharge your devices every week. Your cell, iPhone, Blackberry, and laptop thank you.
Grad: Road trip with alumni. Relearn America.

Friday, July 11, 2008
Dad: Hey, where's my son?
Grad: Call your parents to let them know that, as a graduate, you're an adult now.

Saturday, July 12, 2008
Dad: Flea market at Albany BART Station happens most of the day today.
Grad: Living at home means hot showers and HBO.

Sunday, July 13, 2008
Dad: Flea market at Albany BART Station happens most of the day today, too.
Grad: The best part of mall interviews is that you can go to the matinee afterwards.

Monday, July 14, 2008
Dad: Wear a hat.
Grad: Read Shakespeare to relive school.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Dad: Did you know movie actor Kirk Douglas was a father?
Grad: Famous movie graduates include Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Dad: We hope you're enjoying this calendar.
Grad: Make sure to wake up before noon.

Thursday, July 17, 2008
Dad: Beat fatigue on the commute to work by listening to a portable music player.
Grad: Realize there's no school for you in September, unless you're going to grad school.

Friday, July 18, 2008
Dad: Find a place in the city where you can smoke cigars.
Grad: If there's no school for you, then why pretend it's summer break? Just enjoy the summer.

Saturday, July 19, 2008
Dad: Don't answer the door, it's Saturday!
Grad: Read your old friends' blogs.

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Dad: Take time off to watch that TiVoed episode of Wipeout on ABC.
Grad: Make a round of sake bombs before your friends come by.

Monday, July 21, 2008
Dad: America offers dozens of sites to see.
Grad: Yearbooks can be read anywhere.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Dad: Remember to place your recyclables on the curb minutes before pick-up to avoid scavengers.
Grad: Remember to look for work today.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Dad: One chili dog won't kill ya, Dad. But don't eat two, for the children's sake.
Grad: People at nightclubs are weird.

Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dad: A song from the oldies station reminds you of your first time.
Grad: Why is Dad acting funny?

Friday, July 25, 2008
Dad: High fiber doesn't just mean two bowls of cereal.
Grad: Have you seen the new sneakers on sale? They are so cool.

Saturday, July 26, 2008
Dad: City parks have many paths to jog and bicycle.
Grad: Tom Hanks was in a lot of movies.

Sunday, July 27, 2008
Dad: Time to tackle the Sunday paper, there, Dad.
Grad: Make friends dancing. It's good exercise, too.

Monday, July 28, 2008
Dad: Watch your children grow.
Grad: Talk to friends who are also going to college in the fall. Otherwise, talk to friends going to college.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dad: Summer peaches are nature's treats.
Grad: Pour clear liquor into a half-full Mountain Dew bottle to fool mall security.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Dad: Newspaper editorials gives the people a voice.
Grad: Nine Inch Nails, now on tour.

Thursday, July 31, 2008
Dad: Say goodbye to July with a little romance.
Grad: Where has the time gone?

Friday, August 1, 2008
Dad: John Belushi was always funnier than his brother Jim.
Grad: Hello, Brave World! Today's the day this graduate's gonna win you over!

Saturday, August 2, 2008
Dad: Cherish moments in your life, Father.
Grad: Texting at the movies is rude.

Sunday, August 3, 2008
Dad: Your kids may know more than you.
Grad: Eating right is no joke.

Monday, August 4, 2008
Dad: Happy Birthday, Dad! That is, if it's your birthday.
Grad: Count the newbies playing World of Warcraft today.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Dad: Who really shot John Lennon?
Grad: Moving lawns helps kill the time.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Dad: Save gas by bicycling.
Grad: A resume gets you through the door.

Thursday, August 7, 2008
Dad: Learn another language by watching television late at night alone.
Grad: Stomp the Yard 2 is available on DVD this Tuesday, August 12.

Friday, August 8, 2008
Dad: Your child teaches you respect more than you teach it.
Grad: You should still smile at your elders, regardless of your McJob.

Saturday, August 9, 2008
Dad: Has your child found a job yet?
Grad: Did you know beer also comes in raspberry flavor?

Sunday, August 10, 2008
Dad: Thank the person who gave you this Grads and Dads Everyday Aphorisms Day-to-Day 2008/2009 desk calendar.
Grad: Check out our website.

Monday, August 11, 2008
Dad: How's your favorite baseball team doing?
Grad: Also, check out our blog.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Dad: Not many people remember Technotronic.
Grad: Young love is the best during the summer.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Dad: Star Wars marathon might be on Spike TV.
Grad: There's nothing to do in this town.

Thursday, August 14, 2008
Dad: Call your relatives.
Grad: When I was your age, I read Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews.

Friday, August 15, 2008
Dad: Working for the weekend.
Grad: Sell your CDs to Amoeba Records for cash, not trade.

Saturday, August 16, 2008
Dad: Famous dads include Bob Elliott, of radio's Bob and Ray Show.
Grad: Famous radio graduates include Mel Blanc.

Sunday, August 17, 2008
Dad: People don't treat you the same as they did on Fathers' Day.
Grad: Have a good night's sleep before the first day of work.

Monday, August 18, 2008
Dad: Make time for family.
Grad: Try eating new and exciting foods.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Dad: Focus on the family, as well as your debt.
Grad: Smile more to coworkers.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Dad: Sure is hot today.
Grad: Rather learn guitar than play with a plastic one, man.

Thursday, August 21, 2008
Dad: Poker can be addictive online.
Grad: Cigarettes are for losers.

Friday, August 22, 2008
Dad: If you enjoy this calendar, we make plenty more.
Grad: Soon it'll be time for college...unless you're not going.

Saturday, August 23, 2008
Dad: Yoga is a fun way to exercise.
Grad: What's so great about the real world anyway?

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Dad: Salad bars don't have fresh crumbled bacon anymore.
Grad: There's a T-shirt sale today at Merry-Go-Round.

Monday, August 25, 2008
Dad: Mowing the lawn can help calm the nerves.
Grad: Time to prepare for college or grad school, unless you're not going to school in the fall, then you'd better look for a job, fast.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Dad: Another summer is ending.
Grad: 40 oz malt liquor costs the same as the new 50 oz malt liquor from Miller.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Dad: What ever happened to Andrew Ridgeley?
Grad: When there's nothing on television, go outside or read a book.

Thursday, August 28, 2008
Dad: More than two shakes, it's playing with yourself, Dad.
Grad: Maybe you can tour the world, like visit the Vatican.

Friday, August 29, 2008
Dad: Last Friday of the month is Critical Mass in most cities. It's a time to celebrate bicycling!
Grad: Prague -- there's a lot of your friends there.

Saturday, August 30, 2008
Dad: There's a lot of pretty moms at the mall today.
Grad: Smiling adds minutes to your life.

Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dad: Fall means your kids are back to school...unless they graduated and are loafing around the house.
Grad: Did you know Bruce Willis went to Montclair State College, which is now a University?

Monday, September 1, 2008
Labor Day
Dad: Speaking of labor, when is your recently graduated kid gonna get a job?
Grad: Avoid Dad today.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Dad: Pain medication is not a toy.
Grad: Working as a temp is demeaning.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Dad: Just because beer comes in a six-pack doesn't mean you have to drink all six.
Grad: Try thinking more about your future and less about Bruce Willis.

Thursday, September 4, 2008
Dad: Hopefully this season of the Simpsons will be funnier.
Grad: Look, all your friends are returning to school and you're not.

Friday, September 5, 2008
Dad: Is that David Caruso in the movie Hudson Hawk?
Grad: Look for friends who are still in town.

Saturday, September 6, 2008
Dad: Keep your temper in check when talking to your children.
Grad: Your car keys might be in the couch.

Sunday, September 7, 2008
Dad: Most men your age will go bald about now.
Grad: Weird not to be going to classes again. Seems like there's a void.

Monday, September 8, 2008
Dad: Learn internet etiquette.
Grad: Return any DVDs.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dad: Fathers deserve more than one day a year.
Grad: We hope you're enjoying our calendar, Grad.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dad: Do you speed up or slow down at a yellow light?
Grad: Full House should be on ABC Family network right now, followed by Sister, Sister.

Thursday, September 11, 2008
Dad: If you cry today, tell people you have pink eye.
Grad: Why isn't there anything on TV today?

Friday, September 12, 2008
Dad: Live every day like your father did, one sip at a time.
Grad: First week of college as a freshman is the most exciting time of your life; or, it can be a precious memory of how things were before graduation.

Saturday, September 13, 2008
Dad: Dance lessons after work will delay your return home.
Grad: New and former students can find lots of deals at "Back to School" sales.

Sunday, September 14, 2008
Dad: Walk quickly when passing wind in public, Dad.
Grad: This calendar is written by Mike Spiegelman, copyright 2008.

Monday, September 15, 2008
Dad: Fresh bacon tastes so much better than pre-made bacon.
Grad: Since when did Dungeons and Dragons only use 20-sided dice. WTF?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Dad: Eat a burger before coming home for dinner.
Grad: College life is so exciting; unless you've lived it already, in which case it was pretty sweet.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dad: People know when you're pretending to know about sports.
Grad: When looking for work, beware of pyramid schemes.

Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dad: Every day might seem the same, but that's not true.
Grad: Your old college won't let you into the dorms, even though you know everyone.

Friday, September 19, 2008
Dad: Cheese can be served as a dessert.
Grad: Did you know actor Jason Schwartzman is no longer in the band Phantom Planet?

Saturday, September 20, 2008
Dad: Fathers can have nightmares, too.
Grad: Driving helps kill the hours in a day.

Sunday, September 21, 2008
Dad: Gravy isn't always brown.
Grad: Try to drink less than four cups of coffee a day.

Monday, September 22, 2008
Dad: Nobody cares about fishing. Stop talking about it.
Grad: Amoeba Records will buy any old CDs at a competitive price.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Dad: Hancock is now available on DVD.
Grad: Try to avoid having your thread get locked on the message board.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Dad: Buy more kitty litter, unless you don't own a cat.
Grad: Guitars help you sing the blues.

Thursday, September 25, 2008
Dad: Ever wonder if you'll be missed, Dad?
Grad: Ironic that during college you'd made fun of the town burn-out, but now that you're out of college, all you do is hang out with him.

Friday, September 26, 2008
Dad: Only a couple of days before Rosh Hashanah.
Grad: Do angels exist?

Saturday, September 27, 2008
Dad: Coming up with sayings every day is a drag.
Grad: Purple cat heads are not after you. It could be the acid.

Sunday, September 28, 2008
Dad: Smile to a stranger every day.
Grad: Cranberries are lame, total FAIL.

Monday, September 29, 2008
First Night of Rosh Hashanah
Dad: Happy New Year!
Grad: Oh great, Dad's getting religious again.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dad: There's nothing on the news except election coverage.
Grad: Alton Brown must be a good chef.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Dad: Babies are annoying.
Grad: Comedian Mike Spiegelman turns 40 today.

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Dad: Ducks are cute.
Grad: Tomorrow is the best day to start looking for work.

Friday, October 3, 2008
Dad: Donna Summer is touring to promote her new album, Crayons.
Grad: Too bad real life isn't more like Grand Theft Auto.

Saturday, October 4, 2008
Dad: Not everything can be solved with cupcakes.
Grad: Cupcakes sound good right about now.

Sunday, October 5, 2008
Dad: Why would anyone want to key a car?
Grad: Time to design a sick Halloween costume.

Monday, October 6, 2008
Dad: How many origianal songs did Naked Eyes have?
Grad: Pirates are cliche, thanks to those movies.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Dad: Why hasn't your recently graduated child moved out of the house?
Grad: Mummies are cool. You could dress up as a mummy.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Yom Kippur begins tonight.
Dad: Call in sick.
Grad: Why can't Jewish start at sunrise and not sunset?

Thursday, October 9, 2008
Dad: Call in sick again.
Grad: You could make a home-made Nightmare Before Christmas outfit.

Friday, October 10, 2008
Dad: Tell your family you love them.
Grad: You could buy a sexy costume and go as a sexy nurse.

Saturday, October 11, 2008
Dad: Remember when you cried a month ago on 9/11?
Grad: You could wear your dirty Starbucks smock and go as a zombie barista.

Sunday, October 12, 2008
Dad: Tennis is a relaxing sport.
Grad: You did that already in college...remember college?

Monday, October 13, 2008
Columbus Day
Dad: Three day weekend!
Grad: Three day weekends are pointless when you're unemployed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Dad: How old is Ralph Mouth? If he was a teenager in the Fifties, he should be about seventy now.
Grad: Uh-oh, the Army Recruitment Office called you.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Dad: Bob Barr makes a lot of sense.
Grad: Security can't arrest you if you appear on campus for a Bob Barr rally.

Thursday, October 16, 2008
Dad: Hard to believe Spiegelman turned 40.
Grad: You could dress up as a mummy barista.

Friday, October 17, 2008
Dad: What the hell is lobster butter?
Grad: Where's my water pipe?

Saturday, October 18, 2008
Dad: Wesley Snipes really f***ed s**t up.
Grad: Maybe dress up as a sexy Batman.

Sunday, October 19, 2008
Dad: Can't wait for elections to end.
Grad: Watermelon can get you hard.

Monday, October 20, 2008
Dad: Animals seem to enjoy being domesticated pets.
Grad: Make sure your friends aren't dressing up as sexy Batman as well.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Dad: Sailing is a rich man's sport.
Grad: Where are all the Halloween parties? Find out, Grad.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Dad: "Dad" rhymes with "Grad."
Grad: Don't forget about Mischief Night.

Thursday, October 23, 2008
Dad: Where's the glue gun?
Grad: Mischief Night happens the night before Halloween.

Friday, October 24, 2008
Dad: Why do the candidates flip-flop on the issues?
Grad: Traditionally, you egg and T.P. houses.

Saturday, October 25, 2008
Dad: Whose karma is huge? Oh, right, the Love Guru.
Grad: T.P. is short for "toilet paper."

Sunday, October 26, 2008
Dad: Don't forget to read the entire Sunday newspaper, Dad.
Grad: Big party at your old school, but no-one can tell it's you when you're wearing a mask.

Monday, October 27, 2008
Dad: Why is honey also considered a dipping sauce?
Grad: The library is the easiest building in town to T.P.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Dad: Halloween falls on a Friday. Ask the boss if you can leave early that day.
Grad: The librarian, too, could use an egging.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Dad: "Need Another Seven Astronauts" -- wait, now you get that joke.
Grad: Nobody's returning your calls about Mischief Night.

Thursday, October 30, 2008
Dad: Look out for young turks anxious to egg your house.
Grad: Don't drink too much beforehand or you'll pass out.

Friday, October 31, 2008
Dad: Time to take your children trick-or-treating.
Grad: Party! Party! Party!

Saturday, November 1, 2008
Dad: Nothing's better than an O. Henry bar for breakfast.
Grad: Why won't the Bob Barr campaign call you back?

Sunday, November 2, 2008
Dad: Avoid campaign commercials on television by reading a book.
Grad: Rush Hour 3 took place in Paris.

Monday, November 3, 2008
Dad: Elections are tomorrow. Remember: No on Prop. 356.
Grad: Drinking as a frosh is fun. It's not that fun as a graduate, though.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Dad: Don't forget to vote for Senator McCain.
Grad: Don't forget to vote for Senator McCain.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Dad: McCain won, thanks to you.
Grad: McCain won, thanks to you.

Thursday, November 6, 2008
Dad: It's Christmas season again. Calendars make great gifts.
Grad: Does beer count as breakfast if you wake up in the afternoon?

Friday, November 7, 2008
Dad: Tim Allen is a famous TV dad.
Grad: The girls from Sister, Sister are famous TV graduates.

Saturday, November 8, 2008
Dad: Don't tell Polack jokes at work. Also, don't use the word "Polack."
Grad: What ever happened to Gary?

Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dad: Ahi tuna is tasty when it's from the grill.
Grad: It is sure difficult to type on this Apple keyboard.

Monday, November 10, 2008
Dad: Molly Ringwald has aged gracefully, don't you think, Dad?
Grad: Remember when you went through that vegetarian phase?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Veterans Day
Dad: Celebrate Veterans Day by finally discussing the Iraq War with someone.
Grad: The post office is closed today, Grad.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Dad: Mice are also known as rodents or vermin.
Grad: Pizza Hut now offers a 3 Pizzas for 20 Bucks deal.

Thursday, November 13, 2008
Dad: Europe is the name of a land mass and a rock band.
Grad: What's the point of this calendar again?

Friday, November 14, 2008
Dad: Make a list of everyone who deserves a calendar this holiday season.
Grad: Remember when you were still in college and it was time for Thanksgiving break?

Saturday, November 15, 2008
Dad: Whoa, was that Wesley Snipes in the Total Gym infomercial?
Grad: Did some kid just call you the town burn-out? You're nothing like the town burn-out!

Sunday, November 16, 2008
Dad: Flowers smell nice, Dad.
Grad: Or are you?

Monday, November 17, 2008
Dad: Daylight Saving Time happened two weeks ago.
Grad: Just because you spend all day outside a bar doesn't make you a burn-out.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Dad: Seems like the Grad sayings are more interesting than yours this week.
Grad: It's just that you can't afford to drink indoors, is all.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Dad: Dads, don't let your children grow up to be cowboys. Especially if you live in Seattle -- there's barely any cows there.
Grad: If you had a job, things would be different.

Thursday, November 20, 2008
Dad: What's the deal with gay erotica?
Grad: The Nirvana boxset is half-off on Amazon.

Friday, November 21, 2008
Dad: Christmas this and Christmas that, is there any escape from the holiday season?
Grad: Ever watch QVC? Sometimes there's a hottie selling stuff.

Saturday, November 22, 2008
Dad: Every day you have to hear about Christmas, and you're Jewish.
Grad: Try not to pick fights at bars.

Sunday, November 23, 2008
Dad: Some days, fathers wish they were Ironman flying around Santa Monica.
Grad: Try to do something constructive today, Grad.

Monday, November 24, 2008
Dad: Just buy everyone calendars and you'll be done with holiday shopping.
Grad: Your friend's older brother is creepy. Hope you don't turn out like him.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Dad: Buy a turkey. Try to avoid Christmas references at the supermarket.
Grad: All your friends back in town from college are jerks. They don't understand.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Dad: Try not to ask your recently graduated child why they haven't found a job yet.
Grad: Thanksgiving's going to be awkward.

Thursday, November 27, 2008
Dad: Easy on the turkey, Dad.
Grad: It's so difficult to eat a family meal while pretending to be sober.

Friday, November 28, 2008
Dad: First rule of leftovers: eat all the white meat before anyone has a chance.
Grad: Ugh, there's only dark meat left in the fridge.

Saturday, November 29, 2008
Dad: LPs stand for "Long-Playing." Why are you the only one who remembers that?
Grad: Go see a movie.

Sunday, November 30, 2008
Dad: Your wife's friend is hot.
Grad: Avoid the parents. Go see another movie.

Monday, December 1, 2008
Dad: George Clooney doesn't have kids.
Grad: Albert Einstein never graduated college.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Dad: Someone at Safeway called you "sir."
Grad: Now is the time to look for work.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dad: New York Times is known for its crosswords.
Grad: Maybe the movie theater is hiring.

Thursday, December 4, 2008
Dad: Boston seems like an overrated city.
Grad: Why does Subway bread always taste like glue?

Friday, December 5, 2008
Dad: Enough about Christmas already!
Grad: Isn't it like President Bush to bomb Iran one month before stepping down?

Saturday, December 6, 2008
Dad: Red bean ice cream taste like canned beans. Gross.
Grad: Too bad Mischief Night already happened, there's a few houses that deserve to be egged.

Sunday, December 7, 2008
Dad: Here's the day that lived in infamy.
Grad: Is it Pearl Bailey's birthday already?

Monday, December 8, 2008
Dad: Life would be different if you didn't have children.
Grad: Chili helps hang-overs.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Dad: Surfing looks difficult.
Grad: Try not to get sick drinking ouzo.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Dad: People on cell phones talk loudly.
Grad: How's things, Grad?

Thursday, December 11, 2008
Dad: Eating whole grains is a fun, healthy way to stay fit.
Grad: It's tough finding work during winter break because all the college kids come home and take their old jobs at the Gap.

Friday, December 12, 2008
Dad: You can read more about Peter Lorre at your public library.
Grad: When will Skee-Lo ever drop a new album?

Saturday, December 13, 2008
Dad: Did the guy at the gym just look at your privates?
Grad: Mountain Dew should always be served over ice.

Sunday, December 14, 2008
Dad: Remember to floss, Dad.
Grad: Kung-Fu Panda wasn't as bad as Shrek 3.

Monday, December 15, 2008
Dad: Enjoy fatherhood.
Grad: Enjoy being a graduate.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dad: Don't you hate it when the person in front of you smells?
Grad: Anchovies are salty, Grad.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dad: Remember when cassette players were cool?
Grad: If movies were only 20 minutes long, you would be able to watch 6 of them in 2 hours.

Thursday, December 18, 2008
Dad: Make sure you buy Hanukkah presents now, before the last shopping weekend before Christmas.
Grad: Putting a shot of espresso in your coffee is called a boilermaker in some coffeehouses.

Friday, December 19, 2008
Dad: Why won't the dry cleaners accept a check?
Grad: All your friends are home. Time to take illegal mind-bending drugs.

Saturday, December 20, 2008
Dad: Can you believe it: you buy a menorah from Target and the cashier wishes you "Merry Christmas."
Grad: I can see God.

Sunday, December 21, 2008
First Night of Hanukkah
Dad: Time to give your children socks, traditionally the present for the first night of Hanukkah.
Grad: Illegal mind-bending drugs sure can exhaust you the next day.

Monday, December 22, 2008
Dad: Second night of Hanukkah: give paperback books.
Grad: Why won't Dad give you your PlayStation 3 yet?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Dad: Third night of Hanukkah: give your bratty kid the PlayStation 3 so he can shut up. Tell him that's it for the holidays.
Grad: Dad can be a jerk sometimes.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve
Dad: There's an hour waiting time to eat Chinese.
Grad: Tomatoes are actually fruit.

Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Day
Dad: If Christmas makes you depressed, Dad, try to avoid television, radio and the internet today.
Grad: Go to your friends' house and play with their toys.

Friday, December 26, 2008
First Day of Kwanzaa
Dad: Is that how you spell "Kwanzaa"?
Grad: Where's the New Year's Eve party this year?

Saturday, December 27, 2008
Dad: Cell phone can get sticky if you don't wipe the earwax off the screen from time to time.
Grad: Break up a relationship in a public place to avoid a scene.

Sunday, December 28, 2008
Dad: Pickles are phallic.
Grad: Maybe you can throw your own New Year's Eve party.

Monday, December 29, 2008
Dad: Maine, along with Texas and Idaho, is one of the few American states that have only five letters.
Grad: Tell all your friends about your New Year's Eve party.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Dad: Happy New Year? (No, it's tomorrow.)
Grad: Send out Evites to all your friends about your New Year's Eve party.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Eve
Dad: Happy New Year!
Grad: Party!

Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year's Day
Dad: Happy New Year.
Grad: Sleep it off.

Friday, January 2, 2009
Dad: Postage stamps, as of press time, are only forty-two cents.
Grad: What a great party you threw. Looks like this is your year!

Saturday, January 3, 2009
Dad: Even a stopped clock tell the right time twice a day. Why would you think that?
Grad: Hey, where's your PlayStation 3? Did someone at the party take it?

Sunday, January 4, 2009
Dad: Dad, there's nothing "great" about depression.
Grad: There's used unmentionables underneath your sofa. Alright, somebody got some at the party!

Monday, January 5, 2009
Dad: Jogging is great exercise and easier than running.
Grad: You should clean up.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Dad: What are you supposed to do with all those business cards people give you?
Grad: Hey, there's your PlayStation 3. It was hidden in your closet the whole time.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Dad: Dads like to golf.
Grad: Grads like to sleep in.

Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dad: Dads listen to classic rock, or New Wave pop, depending on how old they are.
Grad: Grads listen to college radio or wussy rock.

Friday, January 9, 2009
Dad: Dads remember when there was no internet.
Grad: Your dad is hella old.

Saturday, January 10, 2009
Dad: What's a Smurf?
Grad: George Lopez Show marathon is on TBS all day today.

Sunday, January 11, 2009
Dad: Pretend to understand sports. Today might be Super Bowl Sunday (American football).
Grad: There is no such thing as tamale juice. You paid five dollars for spicy carrot juice.

Monday, January 12, 2009
Dad: In the UK, people mix beer and lemonade. That's what happens when there's no legal drinking age.
Grad: Do not accept handguns from friends. There has to be a catch.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Dad: Dads like to hang out in barber shops and get their necks shaved.
Grad: It's 2009. Did you get a job yet?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dad: Dads remember when being a father meant something in this country.* (*"This country" meaning Canada.)
Grad: Let's hope President-Elect McCain can gracefully read from a TelePrompTer on Inauguration Day.

Thursday, January 15, 2009
Dad: There must be a catch with mail-order brides.
Grad: Did anyone in The Brady Bunch have a black friend?

Friday, January 16, 2009
Dad: Iced tea can be made at home for pennies a day.
Grad: We are running out of things to say to you, Grad.

Saturday, January 17, 2009
Dad: Gym is closed today for some reason.
Grad: You graduated last year, and chances are you are finished with school.

Sunday, January 18, 2009
Dad: The Spanish word for "fathers" is "padres."
Grad: It's the middle of January; what more can we say to you?

Monday, January 19, 2009
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Dad: You have the day off. Spend the time with your children.
Grad: "I have a dream." So true.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inauguration Day
Dad: It's so difficult watching President McCain read from a TelePrompTer.
Grad: What's happening in the news today, Grad?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Dad: Famous padres include the San Diego Padres.
Grad: Famous graduates include you, we guess.

Thursday, January 22, 2009
Dad: One bottle equals twenty well-poured shots.
Grad: A is the first letter of the alphabet; Z is the final letter.

Friday, January 23, 2009
Dad: You don't have to buy a newspaper, just read it online.
Grad: Giraffes have long necks.

Saturday, January 24, 2009
Dad: Only five more months to go on this calendar.
Grad: Famous square roots include seven, twelve, and negative seven.

Sunday, January 25, 2009
Dad: Wow, can you believe that you're living in the twenty-first century?
Grad: Sorry, but we can't think of anything to tell you today, Grad.

Monday, January 26, 2009
Dad: Don't trust fortune cookies, Dad. Only get your advice from calendars.
Grad: OK, we thought of something: Guitar Hero rocks.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dad: Why are there so many crappy movies released in January?
Grad: Also: System of a Down is a great rock band.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Dad: Ever have matzah ball soup from Kanter's? It's pretty good.
Grad: To prevent ants, wash dishes nightly.

Thursday, January 29, 2009
Dad: Call in sick and play golf.
Grad: If it hurts to pee, consult your doctor.

Friday, January 30, 2009
Dad: Bacon grease is delicious and can be used to fuel automobiles.
Grad: Just because you graduated doesn't mean you shouldn't read books anymore.

Saturday, January 31, 2009
Dad: Remember when you walked around the city with a pager on your belt? Pretty nerdy, Dad.
Grad: There are thirty-one days in January.

Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dad: Your kids grow up and party all night, and let's face it, it makes you jealous.
Grad: qwerty uiop[

Monday, February 2, 2009
Groundhog Day
Dad: Let's hope the Groundhog doesn't see his shadow.
Grad: Speaking of Bill Murray, he doesn't seem like a friendly person offscreen.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dad: There's still two months before taxes are due. Relax.
Grad: Don't you hate it when you meet someone special who won't answer the phone no matter how many times you call?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Dad: How's the economy so far?
Grad: Coffee tastes bitter without milk.

Thursday, February 5, 2009
Dad: Wii Fit will not help you lose as much weight as diet pills will.
Grad: We still have nothing to say to you, Grad. Want to play chess? We'll be White: b2-b3.

Friday, February 6, 2009
Dad: Famous journalist dads include Mike Wallace of CBS News.
Grad: Famous journalists who graduated school include Juan Williams of National Public Radio and Fox News Network.

Saturday, February 7, 2009
Dad: Don't forget Valentine's Day this year. Buy her that sexy outfit the Pussycat Dolls wear.
Grad: Let's play Connect Four. We are Red and will play our marker in the fourth column.

Sunday, February 8, 2009
Dad: Did you know couscous is actually a type of pasta?
Grad: What are you going to do with your life?

Monday, February 9, 2009
Dad: Are you are letting your kid wear that outfit in public?
Grad: Don't eat soap.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Dad: Did you know who invented peanut butter? George Washington Carver.
Grad: Salma Hayek is sexy.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Dad: Weird - did Carver "invent" peanut butter or "discover" peanut butter?
Grad: Here's some shop talk for you, Grad: we kept spelling February incorrectly until the temp noticed it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009
Dad: Is Starbucks still around? It seemed like they were trouble in 2008.
Grad: Starbucks is hiring, Grad.

Friday, February 13, 2009
Dad: We just got back from Germany. It's a beautiful country; you should visit it, Dad.
Grad: All your college friends have jobs. What's your problem?

Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day
Dad: Here's to getting some, Dad.
Grad: Don't act too desperate at the clubs tonight.

Sunday, February 15, 2009
Dad: Who still reads Rolling Stone magazine?
Grad: Always ID young-looking dates.

Monday, February 16, 2009
President's Day
Dad: There's hot deals on cars today (and mattresses!).
Grad: "Dead Presidents" is also a term for money.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Dad: Famous movie directors who are fathers include Robert Downey, Sr.
Grad: Bacon tastes great crumbled on salads.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dad: Corn tastes good.
Grad: What's Fred Durst doing lately?

Thursday, February 19, 2009
Dad: Ever look at a word and it looks weird? Example: "February."
Grad: Bosses are jerks, or at least that's what people with jobs say.

Friday, February 20, 2009
Dad: Make sure your ATM password and Yahoo! Mail password are different.
Grad: We just talked to our boss and she said we don't have to write any sayings for Grads this weekend.

Saturday, February 21, 2009
Dad: We would quote from Poor Richard's Almanack, but our boss thinks Ben Franklin is racist.
Grad: ...

Sunday, February 22, 2009
Dad: Visit Blockbuster Video in your neighborhood before it closes.
Grad: ...

Monday, February 23, 2009
Dad: Why do people look at you funny? Is it because you're old?
Grad: We're back and well rested.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Dad: Vegans don't eat cheese. Don't offer any to them.
Grad: So, how's life so far, Grad?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ash Wednesday
Dad: Don't tell your friends there's soot on their forehead.
Grad: "Ash Wednesday" would make a good name for a goth chick.

Thursday, February 26, 2009
Dad: Vegetarians don't eat fish, so stop calling yourself a vegetarian.
Grad: Don't sell your bicycle, use it already.

Friday, February 27, 2009
Dad: There's no leap year this year.
Grad: What's your favorite novel?

Saturday, February 28, 2009
Dad: Father's Day is only a couple of months away!
Grad: The reason your college email is down is that you graduated college last year. Snap out of it!

Sunday, March 1, 2009
Dad: Famous presidential fathers include George Bush, the good one.
Grad: Famous presidential graduates include James Polk.

Monday, March 2, 2009
Dad: Ever stop and wonder why your family seems so moody lately?
Grad: We are so burned out coming up with sayings for you, Grad.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Dad: If you eat fish, then you are a carnivore, not a vegetarian.
Grad: Brush your teeth every day, Grad!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Dad: Not all toothpicks are made from wood.
Grad: There -- we gave you some advice about tooth-brushing.

Thursday, March 5, 2009
Dad: Believe it or not, SNL producer Lorne Michaels is actually a nice guy once you get to know him.
Grad: Sardines are now available in glass jars.

Friday, March 6, 2009
Dad: TGIF, Dad!
Grad: What's the significance of a Friday when you're not working to begin with?

Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dad: If you're going to take the office newspaper into the bathroom with you, at least throw it into the recycling bin instead of the newspaper stack.
Grad: St. Patrick's Day is only a week away. Where's the party at?

Sunday, March 8, 2009
Dad: Meet the Press hasn't been the same without that guy who used to host it.
Grad: Are you feeling proud of yourself, Grad?

Monday, March 9, 2009
Dad: Remember to kiss your clock when it reads "11:11" for good luck, Dad.
Grad: Has there ever been a bad time for tacos?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dad: Make sure not to go swimming too soon after a meal.
Grad: You can use a roll of LifeSavers as a proxy pipe.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dad: Do you think the quality of sayings has improved this year? Email us and let us know!
Grad: If you had a job, you could probably afford an iPhone or even cigarettes.

Thursday, March 12, 2009
Dad: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Grad: Don't tell the blood bank your sexual preference or they won't take your blood.

Friday, March 13, 2009
Dad: Seriously, how much wood? We have two stacks of wood, a woodchuck, and only 6 hours available.
Grad: El Pollo Loco Restaurant is Spanish for "The Crazy Chicken" Restaurant.

Saturday, March 14, 2009
Dad: Father's Day is soon, and then this calendar is done.
Grad: Mandy Moore is a better actress than singer, according to our boss.

Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dad: What's up with airplane food?
Grad: Wendy's is now open late on Sundays.

Monday, March 16, 2009
Dad: St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow. To avoid altercations, don't tell people you're Jewish.
Grad: Tomorrow will be your annual trek to the Irish bars in the Richmond District.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009
St. Patrick's Day
Dad: Wear green or they will know you're Jewish!
Grad: God, the bar scene is too much tonight. Plus the only place open in the Inner Richmond is Nizario's Pizza. Gross.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Dad: Wear green again to work just to be obnoxious.
Grad: Drink plenty of water today.

Thursday, March 19, 2009
Dad: Time to order the Grads and Dads Everyday Aphorisms Day-to-Day 2009/2010 Desk Calendar!
Grad: How's things, Grad?

Friday, March 20, 2009
Dad: Famous people whose names rhyme with "Dad" are Brad (Pitt) and Sinbad.
Grad: Famous people whose names rhyme with "Grad" are Brad (Pitt) and Sinbad.

Saturday, March 21, 2009
Dad: That crossing guard is hot.
Grad:, nice weather today, Grad?

Sunday, March 22, 2009
Dad: The nice thing about The Washington Examiner is that it's a free newspaper.
Grad: Don't forget to study...oh, wait, you already finished school. Good for you.

Monday, March 23, 2009
Dad: Time to get rid of your VCR, Dad.
Grad: Did some kid just call you a "townie"?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dad: Did you know March comes in a lion and out like a lamb? It's in the bible.
Grad: Don't get scammed: there's no such thing as Grease 3.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Dad: Bootleg movies are killing the music industry.
Grad: We meant to say "the movie industry." Tell your Dad that.

Thursday, March 26, 2009
Dad: Dad Dad Bo Bad Banana fana fo fad, me my mo mad...Dad!
Grad: Grad Grad Bo Bad Banana fana fo fad, me my mo mad...Grad!

Friday, March 27, 2009
Dad: Things could be worse, Dad. You could be working for Electronic Arts.
Grad: RSS stands for "Really Simple Syndication."

Saturday, March 28, 2009
Dad: Do you think the Kermit the Frog puppet smells like some dude's hand?
Grad: It's almost the end of March and you still haven't held a job. Bravo, Grad. Loser.

Sunday, March 29, 2009
Dad: Don't tell people you've read Joyce because then you'll have to talk about Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man.
Grad: That's right, the calendar called you a "loser."

Monday, March 30, 2009
Dad: Happy Birthday, editor of Luggage Tuesdays! Only three more months of editing to go!
Grad: You're a loser and you'll always be a loser, just like your older brother.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dad: Tomorrow's April Fool's Day. Piss people off at work by wearing green.
Grad: What, you didn't think we knew about your older brother?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009
April Fool's Day
Dad: You look great today, Dad. Looks like you lost weight.
Grad: We take it back. You're not a loser, you're a winner.

Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dad: Ha ha, just kidding. April Fools!
Grad: Ha ha, just kidding. April Fools!

Friday, April 3, 2009
Dad: That was mean, we know. We were just razzing you, Dad.
Grad: We weren't being sarcastic at all, Grad. You're a winner. (Snicker)

Saturday, April 4, 2009
Dad: Have you done your taxes yet?
Grad: Has your dad done your taxes yet?

Sunday, April 5, 2009
Dad: Write off that unemployed college graduate kid of yours.
Grad: Avoid sunburns; stay indoors.

Monday, April 6, 2009
Dad: Tabasco isn't flavorful; it's spicy for the sake of spicy.
Grad: What's the emoticon for "piss off"? >:(-p

Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Dad: Rock and roll will never die.
Grad: Disco sucks.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Dad: Passover's tomorrow. Were you able to find any matzah this year?
Grad: You know what's savage, when someone on the internet says, "EPIC FAIL." It's so meaningful.

Thursday, April 9, 2009
First Night of Passover
Dad: Smile at your racist rambling relative's comments at the Seder table.
Grad: Even though you graduated college, you're still the youngest at the Seder table, so you'll have to read the Four Questions.

Friday, April 10, 2009
Good Friday
Dad: Any Friday is a "Good Friday," right? High five!
Grad: You know what was a "Good Friday?" The first one with Chris Tucker. High five!

Saturday, April 11, 2009
Dad: Easter is even more commercialized than Christmas, but at least the chocolate is better.
Grad: Don't forget to do your taxes!

Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Sunday
Dad: Happy Easter, Dad!
Grad: Happy Easter, Grad!

Monday, April 13, 2009
Dad: Why do you still own a VHS copy of The Bodyguard?
Grad: People will think you're sober in the mornings. Use this to your advantage.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Dad: Don't panic, but tomorrow's tax day.
Grad: Don't forget to spend your stimulus check on more calendars.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Dad: If you think your taxes are bad, imagine what it'll be like for First Lady Cindy McCain.
Grad: There's something important today.

Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dad: The worst part of fatherhood is listening to the Wiggles.
Grad: You need to have a job first before you apply for unemployment.

Friday, April 17, 2009
Dad: Heavy D is still acting, but now under the name of Heavy D Myers.
Grad: Skateboarding is not a crime, but don't you think you're a little old for that?

Saturday, April 18, 2009
Dad: When fighting a war, look out for land mines.
Grad: When fighting a war and smoking unfiltered cigarettes, always light the brand logo end first, so the Germans won't know there were any Americans around.

Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dad: Pat Benatar might be touring in your town. Consult the internet for details.
Grad: Job listings in a newspaper are pathetic.

Monday, April 20, 2009
Dad: Why is your graduate kid smiling today and acting all dopey?
Grad: Four-twenty, dude!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Dad: Lemonade is made from water, lemons, and sugar, lots of sugar.
Grad: You're a little tea-pot, short and stout.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dad: Famous military fathers include President George H.W. Bush.
Grad: Famous military graduates include the cadets at West Point.

Thursday, April 23, 2009
Dad: Remember when your kids were young enough not to hate you?
Grad: You can sell your PlayStation 3 for easy money.

Friday, April 24, 2009
Dad: All the food on Iron Chef looks nasty.
Grad: Our boss just handed us a book of quotations. We could have used this months ago.

Saturday, April 25, 2009
Dad: John Cassavetes once, we don't know who he is, either, it's just the first quote of this book.
Grad: "What's up with airplane food?" - Jerry Seinfeld, page 130

Sunday, April 26, 2009
Dad: Kids can say the darnest things, unless they know they'll get spanked.
Grad: Lemongrass is not made from lemons, nor will it get you high.

Monday, April 27, 2009
Dad: Always pick up dog poop with a plastic bag.
Grad: Remember that commercial that went: Smurfberry Crunch is fun to eat...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Dad: Why do Sonic Drive-Ins sell Breakfast Shakes? Actually, that sounds pretty good.
Grad: Did you know the time you spend reading this calendar could be spent reading a book?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Media Yenta's Birthday
Dad: Take time to smell the flowers.
Grad: Reading opens new worlds.

Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dad: Only one-and-a-half months until Father's Day!
Grad: Not sure what you can look forward to, Grad; it's not like you're graduating again this year.

Friday, May 1, 2009
Dad: Hint about what you want for Father's Day before your wife speaks up about Mother's Day.
Grad: What is the point of your reading this calendar now?

Saturday, May 2, 2009
Dad: Mother's Day is coming up. Think of topics to discuss when you call your mother in a couple of weeks.
Grad: Either you're in your first year of grad school or you're done. You won't be celebrating graduation this year.

Sunday, May 3, 2009
Dad: Don't forget the mother of your children, too. Make sure to be sober when calling her.
Grad: Moms are people, too. Make eye contact when talking to her this Sunday.

Monday, May 4, 2009
Dad: Flowers make an ideal Mother's Day gift, but are inappropriate for Father's Day. Why is that? Dads like flowers, too.
Grad: You can make your mother a card using cardboard and glitter.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Dad: Remember the importance of Mother's Day, Dad: After this holiday comes Father's Day.
Grad: Beer tastes good cold.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Dad: Buy your wife something nice for Mother's Day, but nothing too lewd.
Grad: When purchasing a Mother's Day gift, remember this: perfume is for ladies while cologne is for men.

Thursday, May 7, 2009
Dad: Don't answer the doorbell.
Grad: Remember when you took mind-bending drugs? Remember, you saw God?

Friday, May 8, 2009
Dad: Log Cabin Republicans don't own log cabins.
Grad: Remember how passionate you were when you were still in college?

Saturday, May 9, 2009
Dad: WYSIWYG stands for "What You See Is What You Get." That's what happens when you let nerds come up with acronyms.
Grad: Well, we enjoyed giving you advice throughout the past ten months, Grad.

Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
Dad: Take your mother or your wife to a fancy, girlie restaurant.
Grad: Call your mom if you ever want money again.

Monday, May 11, 2009
Dad: Mother's Day is finally over. Now the countdown towards Father's Day begins!
Grad: We can't in good faith refer to you as "Grad" anymore.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Dad: Celebrate International Worker's Day today, Dad.
Grad: It's because you graduated last June and now it's May.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Dad: Remember pocket calculators? You should remember them, since you're old.
Grad: We think it's time to move forward with life.

Thursday, May 14, 2009
Dad: Salad forks can still be used to eat entrees.
Grad: Online pills avai1ab1e n.ow!

Friday, May 15, 2009
Dad: Time to decide what you want for Father's Day, like no ties.
Grad: Sorry about the spam in yesterday's message.

Saturday, May 16, 2009
Dad: Hunting makes men rulers of their domain.
Grad: Graduation is coming up...for this year's grads.

Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dad: In some parts of the United States, people call pop "soda," and vice versa.
Grad: There's two things you shouldn't talk about, and that's politics and religion. And the reason you don't talk about them is that they are boring.

Monday, May 18, 2009
Dad: Famous mythical fathers include Johnny Appleseed, father of this country.
Grad: Famous mythical graduates include Xore, someone we just made up.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Dad: Why do ducks like bread crumbs? Is it because they'll eat anything?
Grad: Don't call the homeless "hobos," it's condescending.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Dad: Stop eating fast food, Dad.
Grad: Actor Justin Long seems like a cool guy.

Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dad: There's a big sale at Target this weekend. Time to stock up on toilet paper.
Grad: Coffeehouses are overrated, but there's a lot of hotties there.

Friday, May 22, 2009
Dad: Remember how stressed out you were during Christmas? Well, you can relax knowing the Christmas season won't be back until September.
Grad: Actually, the nerds using laptops in coffeehouses are too wimpy to fight back if you wanted to steal their junk.

Saturday, May 23, 2009
Dad: Tell your family you want another Grads and Dads Day-to-Day Desk Calendar for Father's Day.
Grad: One hassle of local coffeehouses are the poetry readings. To avoid them, just talk over it.

Sunday, May 24, 2009
Dad: Happy Father's Day! Just kidding, just a few more weeks, Dad.
Grad: Danishes come with different fruit fillings.

Monday, May 25, 2009
Memorial Day
Dad: Take the day to remember our fallen.
Grad: Dude, Transformers 2 is in the theaters. Freaking robots! Pow pow, zap zap!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dad: Brace yourself for our countdown to Father's Day!
Grad: If you were still a student and not unemployed, around this time would be finals or the prom.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Dad: Father's Day is your moment to shine and it happens next month!
Grad: If you were still a student, you'd be full of hope and optimism right now.

Thursday, May 28, 2009
Dad: Maybe you'll be taken out to brunch, and why not, Dad?
Grad: If you were still a student about to graduate, you'd be drinking a lot, but this time with other people.

Friday, May 29, 2009
Dad: As a dad, you watch your offspring grow into little female versions of yourself.
Grad: Last year around this time you ran outside naked, but it was ok because you were on campus and not outside the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company parking lot.

Saturday, May 30, 2009
Dad: Drop hints to your wife about what gift you'd want for Father's Day. Remember: a threesome is not a gift.
Grad: You could crash a few parties on campus, blend in and pretend to still be a student.

Sunday, May 31, 2009
Dad: Try to get some rest tonight, Dad. Tomorrow is Father's Day month!
Grad: Remember all the panic sex you had before everyone had to leave campus and enter the real world? What ever happened to that?

Monday, June 1, 2009
Dad: Tell everyone you know you hate ties and cologne. This way you'll get better presents.
Grad: What's the point of showering anymore? It's not like you're graduating college again.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Dad: Remember when you left your baby on the bed to take a leak and she rolled off on the floor but she was ok? Face it, you're not the best father out there.
Grad: It was one year ago today that your father said he was proud of you. One year ago.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Dad: Famous monster dads include the Mummy and Grendl's father.
Grad: Famous monster graduates include the Invisible Man and the Smog Monster.

Thursday, June 4, 2009
Dad: Famous fathers on the internet include the guy who came up with the name "AltaVista."
Grad: Famous graduates on the internet include poster Roflcopter23 on the Penny Arcade message board.

Friday, June 5, 2009
Dad: Celebrate fatherhood early with a cold brew and some pretzels.
Grad: Congratulations! You graduated college exactly one year ago.

Saturday, June 6, 2009
Dad: Tomorrow's not your day, but it's coming soon, Dad.
Grad: Try not to think about it.

Sunday, June 7, 2009
Dad: If someone keeps stealing your Sunday newspaper, you should notify your super.
Grad: Chin up, Grad. Don't let the rat race get to you.

Monday, June 8, 2009
Dad: Why are priests called "fathers?" It's not like they have kids.
Grad: After all, we're sure you can do a lot with that degree in Communications.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dad: It's not your day yet, but this day is written as 06/09/09. That's weird.
Grad: Don't forget you also minored in English.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Dad: New calendars are out now -- available at any remaining Hallmark stores.
Grad: There's a whole world out there for you.

Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dad: There's nothing else to tell you before Father's Day happens.
Grad: Chin up. You can do it by yourself, without this calendar's help.

Friday, June 12, 2009
Dad: La da dee la dee dah.
Grad: Doot doot doodle doot.

Saturday, June 13, 2009
Dad: Cha cha cha.
Grad: Mook mook!

Sunday, June 14, 2009
Flag Day
Dad: Happy Father's Day! Sorry, it's actually Flag Day.
Grad: Did you know this is the only American holiday praising an object?

Monday, June 15, 2009
Dad: Six days until Father's Day.
Grad: Four quarters equal a dollar.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Dad: Five days until Father's Day.
Grad: Why are you still reading this calendar?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Dad: Four days until Father's Day.
Grad: It's not like it continues until the end of 2009.

Thursday, June 18, 2009
Dad: Three days until Father's Day.
Grad: In fact, this calendar stops at the end of the month.

Friday, June 19, 2009
Dad: Two days until Father's Day.
Grad: We dare you to throw this calendar away.

Saturday, June 20, 2009
Dad: One day until Father's Day.
Grad: You can't do it.

Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father's Day
Dad: Happy Father's Day!
Grad: Happy Father's Day! It's the holiday celebrated every year, unlike your graduation.

Monday, June 22, 2009
Dad: Did you have a good Father's Day?
Grad: You're pathetic. Go away.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Dad: Thanks for using our calendar; hope you use another one of our calendars again.
Grad: We're not going to add any more original content for you, just old Twitters.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Dad: It's been our pleasure to serve you, Dad. Goodbye.
Grad: @omegahen my favorite coffee is Peet's as well! posted 6 minutes ago via txt in response to omegahen

Thursday, June 25, 2009
Dad: Now, to fill out the rest of the week, here are some Penthouse Forum letters.
Grad: @elseano I love that show posted 2 days ago via Twirl in response to elseano

Friday, June 26, 2009
Dad: Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I'd be writing to you until last night.
Grad: Getting breakfast with @livermore3, talking about San Diego Comicon posted 1 day ago via web

Saturday, June 27, 2009
Dad: I was working the night shift at the public library when I heard a noise, like a guttural animal.
Grad: @ltgames no way! posted 6 hours ago via Twitterific in response to ltgames

Sunday, June 28, 2009
Dad: I tiptoed over to the Biographies section in case it was a tiger.
Grad: Watching Hancock while checking emails on my PDA posted 3 hours ago via txt

Monday, June 29, 2009
Dad: In fact, it was three sexy co-eds doing "it."
Grad: @dyack I'm at the Loews 16. Where are you right now? posted 3 hours ago via txt in response to dyack

Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Dad: I was about to call the cops when one of them came over and grabbed my package.
Grad: Hey, Grad: you suck! Ha ha, we got the last word.


Smurf said...

Holy shit. I really mean that.

Dean said...

OK, I've finished the reading the calendar... where do I go to claim my complimentary household appliance?