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Answers to Yesterday's Brain Teasers

1. b

2. True

3. Trick question: Roosters don't drive cars.

4. After the sole surviving castaway was rescued, he arrived at the restaurant, ordered squab, ate his meal, then killed himself. Why? ANSWER: When deserted on the island, the fellow castaways told him he was eating squab. But after his restaurant meal, the castaway realised he wasn't eating squab at all; he was eating chicken.

5. A man points to a portrait. He says, "Brothers and Sisters I Have None/But This Man's Father Is My Father's Son." ANSWER: The portrait is a picture of his genitals.

Solution to Sudoku: four, two, nine, three, seven, five, six, eight, one; one, five, eight, four, six, nine, three, two, seven; six, three, seven, two, one, eight, nine, four, five; nine, four, six, seven, three, two, one, five, eight; eight, seven, three, nine, five, one, two, six, four; two, one, five, six, eight, four, seven, nine, three; five, six, two, one, four, seven, eight,three, nine; three, eight, one, five, nine, six, four, seven, two; seven, nine, four, eight, two, three, five, one, six.

Only in Frisco!

Last Known Picture of Emperor Norton. (Photo Credit: Mr. Scott Beale)

"Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the hecka tight word "Frisco," which has linguistic and other warrant, shall be deemed innocent of a High Misdemeanor, and shall receive from the Imperial Treasury as a reward the sum of twenty-five dollars. Now who'll give me a lift to Burning Man?"
- Emperor Norton, 1872

People from 'Frisco sure are open-minded. Unless you call San Francisco "Frisco"; then they turn blue and get all whiny. "DON'T CALL IT 'FRISCO!" they cry. Heh, only in 'Frisco. Here are some more memorable events from 'Friscans that make us cry "ONLY IN FRISCO!"

Dear Only in Frisco,
Some guy told me he was going to shoot me, but it's ok because it was the guy who burned down Burning Man early.
Burned, Pacific St.

Dear OIF,
As a hardware store owner, I stopped offering plastic bags to my customers, and, instead, provide biodegradable paper bags. Not that I'm being environmentally conscious -- it's just impossible to huff gold paint in a plastic bag.
Peter, Polk St.

Dear OIF,
I was reading the SF Weekly, and, unbeknownst to me, I started to enjoy reading the Sucker Free City column. I got so scared, I shot myself in the head.
Hollowhead, Howard St.

Dear OIF,
I went to see a '70s cover band at a club. Winds up the club also double-booked a band that covers A Flock of Seagulls songs. The two bands decided to make the best of it and play together as a supergroup, mixing styles. It was so original, I walked.
Nightclub Goer, Geary Blvd.

Dear OIF,
I went to Bondage a Go Go last Wednesday and my voice went hoarse from telling patrons how to dress.
Old Goth, Folsom St.

Dear OIF,
A panicked man ran up to me, and said, "¡Ayúdame, Ayúdame! ¿Hablas Español?" and I said, "Sí. Yo quiero un super burrito de carne asada, sin guacamole, por favor."
Mike Spiegelman, Mission St.

More OIF

Feline Television Guidelines

The following TV Guidelines are for cats and their litter.
These guidelines will help you make more informed viewing decisions.




To help you make better choices for your cat, additional content advisories appear at the beginning of each program:

Phone book parody, part 4: Annual Address From the Phone Book's Ombudsman

Hello, phone book aficionados and well-wishers! Welcome to the latest volume of our beloved phone book. Might I be forthright in my enthusiasm, and venture some assumptions regarding your character. You see, my annual addresses have always been printed on the initial page of the directory, and, in my vast experience in telebibliology, I can hypothesize two classes of people who would read the first page of a telephone reference; the latter type we shall discuss later.

You, my cellular-literate reader, come across more as the former type, which I passionately call "The Explorer." You are the type who hungers for public reference about our community. You cherish printed evidence of our communal existence. "Let Your Fingers Do The Walking" has always been glibly uttered by catchphrase-spouting hipsters for sarcastic effect, like "Na-nu! Na-nu!" or "That's hecka tight." Only you know the sublime passion of sauntering leisurely from one residential listing to the next. Why, with just a flick of the eyes, you can travel from Abraham, Sally on Post Street, to Abraham, Sally R on 23rd Ave. In real life it would take forever, unless you take Pine to Geary, and even then you have to deal with Inner Richmond drivers. The phone book itself is a people aquarium of neighborhood denizens, with names both ethnically polysyllabic and normal American.

Writing a murder mystery about arson and need a name for your victim? Simply trace your finger down our complementary inventory of people's names and...stop! Your deceased's first name is...Patrick. Skim 100 more pages to discover a last name that is...Meyer! The cogs of creativity clicked: the name of the burned-alive victim is Patrick Meyer.

In passing, I've mention the latter type of rigorous phone book reader, the type I call "The Actioneer." Actioneers have no time for exploration or creativity, just immediate needs for inquiries, fire, ongoing criminal goings-on, or other emergencies. Perhaps they are being stabbed, or better. In that case, an Actioneer is probably reading the initial page, not for my annual address, but looking for a phone number to report the current tragedy. To you, first I thank you for taking the time to indulge my lily-gilding. Secondly, the number you need to call is nine one one. And please, before you do, do not call it "nine eleven." And good luck.

New Joke Book!

Funny You Would Say That! And 12,345 Other Funny Things You Said
A Collection of Overheard Jokes From America's Hottest Comedy Nightclubs

Book Description
Are my ears burning? Because I just heard you say something funny! Funny You Would Say That! And 12,345 Other Funny Things You Said offers you the latest gags from the sharpest minds without paying the clubs or comedians money. Buy this book instead to read expert transcriptions of new and established comedians. These side-splitting side-splitters include:

"I just broke up with my girlfriend today. Actually, she broke up with me. Bitch. I hate women." - Forgot his name, but he was a scary white guy

"I'm first? Why am I going up first?" - First comedian up, forgot his name, too

"You guys watch 'Cops'? How about 'The Crocodille Hunter'? What if 'The Crocodille Hunter' was on 'Cops'? I believe it would go a little something like this: 'Blimey, coppers!'" - Guest set comedian

"Two drink minimun. That means you have to order another Sprite." - Our waitress

"Is that a notebook on your table? Are you writing this down? Excuse me, I'm talking straight to you!" - Comedian riffing with the audience

"You are writing this down! What are you, writing a book?" - Another example of "crowd work"

"You're eighty-sixed. Take your tape recorder and get outta here!" - Rude comedy club worker

Also From the Editor

• Other Comedians' Material
• More of Other Comedians' Material
• Recap of Last Night's Lost
  

Your Infant Only Knows Beginners' Baby Sign Language? Tsk, Tsk.

Can your little baby communicate through modified sign language to alert you about feeding and changing? Really, just that? I'm not implying anything, just saying that a smarter baby would be signing at a 12-month level. Speaking of which, here's the new baby sign language my baby just taught me today:

I’m Hungry For Take-Out



Don't Change Me, Change The Channel


Drive Me to Sears



I've Got Nothing to Say to You Yet


For the Love of Pete, Kill Your iPod


This is Awkward


Can My Friend Come Over For Dinner?

More baby jokes from Luggage Tuesdays:

"Your baby's diaper is so poopy..."
"Your baby is so cute..."
Live Baby Jokes
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 11: Kids Menu

Old Proposals

Written Proposal: Spiegelmania Theme Song

Bom, bom, Da DAH DAH dah doo dah, me tak tak tic, wigga-wigga-WACK. Spa-spa-spa-Spiegelmania! Oh uh uh! Rutger Hauer, sampled from Blade Runner: Wake up, time to die. Time, time, T-t-t-t-time to die. Bom, bom, bom bom. Wack! Bom, bee bah BAH. Hauer: Wake up.

Written Proposal: Spiegelmania Sitcom

OK, Who’s been using my toothbrush? Arf Arf! [Laughter] You, Puppyzoid? But why…? Arf arf arf, bark bark! [Cheers and applause] What’s all this racket? Oh no, Puppyzoid, you woke up dad! [Applause] Damn dog. Son, just hit him with a rolled up newspaper, worked when you were a puppy. [Laughter] But, Dad, that’s dog abuse. [Audience “awws”] On a very special “Spiegelmania”.

Written Proposal: Spiegelmania movie

Look out! Boom! Run! Throw me the diamonds! Don’t it’s a trap! Wha…?! You…?! But I thought you were dead! Yeah, I am dead…dead angry! Spa-spa-spa-Spiegelmania! Oh uh uh! Hauer: Time to die, time to die. Pow! Kay! Mart! Stop them…huh, you?! Hey, Ballbuster, time to polish your family jewels! Kickbox! Ouch, my nuts!

Plug: See Project: Luggage Tuesdays Live, this Saturday

1/17/08 UPDATE: SOLD OUT.

Sorry for the plug, but I'll be performing 5 minutes of P:LT bits this Saturday at the Grand Opening of a new San Francisco theater, Stage Werx!

More sequels to "Daddy Day Care" announced

Daddy Day Cats
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Billy Bob Thorton
Premise: Two stay-at-home dads open their own animal shelter.
Joke from trailer: "What is the sports section doing on the kitchen floor? Ew, cat poopie!"

Daddy Day Cans
Starring: Terry Crews, Walton Goggins
Premise: Two stay-at-home dads open their own recycling center.
Joke from trailer: "That's not glass, that's dookie!"

Daddy Day Cave
Starring: Savion Glover, Joe Piscopo
Premise: Sometimes, even daddies need to get away during the day and mediatate in their own cave.
Joke from trailer: "Ommmm. Ommmm."

Sequels announced for "Daddy Day Care"

Daddy Day Cabs
Starring: Ron Glass, Brian Doyle-Murray
Premise: Two stay-at-home dads open their own taxi service.
Joke from trailer: "Where to, mac, Doodyville?"

Daddy Day Carb
Starring: Chris "Ludicris" Bridges, David Fastino
Premise: Two stay-at-home dads open their own diet center.
Joke from trailer: Unavailable at press time.

Daddy Day Calm: The Nap Attack!
Starring: Tyrese Gibson, that guy from American Pie
Premise: Two stay-at-home dads open the portals of damnation and must stay alive, or die slowly.
Joke from trailer: "My soul burns like poopy!"

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.1: Entrees!

All entrees comes with a side salad, cup of soup, or chili bowl; baked or mashed potato, homemade shoe-string garlic wasabi waffle fries, or rice; basket of hot, fresh bread or a carafe of crispy, zesty breadsticks; choice of 3 of the following 15 vegetables: sweet corn kernels; ham-hock or vegan greens; glazed, steamed, or raw carrots; string beans; yams or sweet potato; shallot medley; grilled mushrooms; bacon; baked beans; ratatouille (not affiliated with Pixar); roasted peppers; broccoli in cheese sauce; cauliflower in caramel sauce; brussel sprouts; chipped spinach; or nothing. No substitutions.

Things to do 1/6/08

___ Wash dishes
___ Fold laundry
___ Regain masculinity
_X_ Watch 12 hours of TV
___ Keep it real
___ Get drunk, call ex-girlfriend
___ Finish sudoku puzzle
___ Kill Whitey
___ Rediscover the music of Nick Drake
___ Finish great American novel; otherwise, move to Canada

Family Restuarant Menu, Part 5: Early Bird Specials - Only 199 cents!

Free basket of roasted shelled peanuts when you relentlessly jab your finger at the Early Bird coupon while your waitress tells you her name!

Macaronis & Cheese
Our Italian delicacy features exactly 3 macaronis in cheese sauce.

Grilled Cheese Sand
Sliced American cheese melted on real sand.

Personal-Size Pizza for Six
Enjoy single-serving mini-pizza with six plates. Comes with pitcher of water, no ice.

Offer only valid between 3pm to 4:30, then it's back to normal-people prices. That's right, you heard me.

Crank Calls to God

Ring Ring
- Hello, God speaking.
- Uh yeah, hi. Is your refrigerator running?
- Dennis Connelly, is that you?
Click

Ring, ring.
- Hello.
- Hi, God?
- Yes?
- Are there bowling alleys in Heaven?
- Yes there are, my son.
- And in those bowling alleys, do you have 15-pound balls?
- Yes I do, my son.
- Really, 15-pound balls? How do you walk? [Laughter]
- Is this Dennis Connelly again?
Click.

Ring.
- Digame.
- Hello. Is this God?
- Yes.
- Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
- Dennis, Prince Albert pipe tobacco hasn't been popular in sixty years. I at least expect something better from you than that.
- Uh...Howard Stern rules!
Click

Ring
- What is it, Dennis?
- I'm looking for a friend. Should be there in Heaven. Last name "Pid," first name "Stu."
-Let me check. [drops phones] [yelling] Is "Stu Pid" there? I'm looking for someone "Stu Pid."
[Angels laughing]
- Hey, wait a minute! Dennis!
- [Laughter]
Click

Ring Ring
- Yello?
- God this is Dennis. I hope we can still be friends, even after all those crank calls.
- It's OK, Dennis. As God, I forgive everyone.
- So...you like everyone?
- Yes, my son.
- Even Mike Hunt?
- Yes, my son.
- If you like Mike Hunt so much, why don't you say it. Say that you like him.
- OK, "I like Mike Hunt." Hey, wait a minute!
- [Laughter]
Click

Ring, Ring.
- This is God.
- [Heavy Breathing]
- Who is this?
- [Heavy Breathing]
- I know who you are. I have caller ID!
- [Heavy Breathing stops]
Click.

(c) 2008 Mike Spiegelman

Life Lessons Learned While Watching the New Year's Eve/Day Twilight Zone Marathon on Sci-Fi Channel

Don't pick up that hitchhiker.

If you get shot and then meet your son as a ten-year-old, chances are
you're dead.

Small towns always have a carousel in them for some reason.

If your greatest fear is death by blow jobs, you'll die happy.

Before Nike t-shirts were invented, men wore suits with ties.

Every time you figure out the twist, you must drink a beer.

Boy, that Loch Ness monster in the ad for Sci-Fi's original movie sure
looks fake.

Rod Sterling might sound like a pretentious prick, but he's still not
as annoying as Keith Olbermann.