Live Baby Jokes

How many live babies can fit into a Volkswagon?
Two.

How do you get them in?
With two backward-facing car seats safely secured in back.

How do you get them out?
Pull the seat forward and unbuckle the straps.



More baby jokes from Luggage Tuesdays:

"Your baby's diaper is so poopy..."
"Your baby is so cute..."
Beginners' Baby Sign Language
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 11: Kids Menu

Bible Jokes





A Gideon returns home from a hotel visit and opens his luggage only to discover his bible inside. The Gideon slaps his forehead, and says, "Darn it, I knew I remembered something!"

* * *

A Good News bible is walking down the street and bumps into his old friend, the King James bible. "How art thou?" the King James bible asks. "Huh?" the Good News bible says. "Speak English, man."

* * *

The notorious gangster Icepick Lon is up on several charges. During the trial, the judge calls him up to the stand. The bailiff asks him to swear in. The gangster turns to the bailiff and says, "You want me to put my hand on this book? What is it?"

The judge says, "You've never heard of the bible?"

"No, I haven't," says Icepick. "You could at least let me read it first before I swear on it."

The judge scratches his chin and says, "Seeing that it's already 6 p.m., I'll give you the opportunity to read it before we reconvene first thing in the morning."

Icepick Lon goes to his holding cell and opens up the bible. Lon is so captivated he reads the entire book in one night.

That next morning, a bleary-eyed Icepick Lon returns to the stand. The bailiff walks up with the bible, which Icepick places his hand on it. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" asks the bailiff.

Icepick Lon turns to the bailiff and says, "I do. I also plead guilty in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, for I have sinned."

VETERAN CORPORATE TITLE-HOLDER RELAUNCHES COMEDY SITE, SENDS OUT PRESS RELEASE

Redwood City, CA, February 24, 2008 - Luggage Tuesdays, still the number one website among Google Search spam sites selling luggage, will be promptly relaunched today at 6 a.m. PST, according to emails from our QA department. LuggageTuesdays 2.0 combines LOL ("laugh out loud") content with Web 2.0 tools. Humor remains intact with streamlined interactive technologies. New CEO and veteran media maven Mike Spiegelman stresses the site will be "fun" and "still funny." "After 9/11, people now more than ever want to laugh," explains Spiegelman. "Well, maybe not as much now; it has been seven years."

"I am very serious about comedy," Spiegelman clarifies. "People ask if I am funny and I say, 'yes, yes I am,' then I tell them that last line is ripped off Albert Brooks' second comedy album, A Star is Bought, because that's how serious I am."

A new algorithm helps the user customize favorite jokes, even recommend new ones. "Let's say you really like the joke, 'Why did the moron throw his alarm clock out his window?' LuggageTuesdays 2.0 can then suggest a Polack joke or Dumb Blonde bit." (After several phone inquiries, Spiegelman's office verified that the moron wanted to see "time fly.")

"E.B. White once said, 'Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog," says Spiegelman, quoting E. B. White. "'Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.' That's all well and good, but what if we keep the frog alive with message boards and Google ads? That's funny."

Spiegelman's extensive career history is posted on LinkedIn. Swag at launch party will include luggage.

The Car Alarm Sounds Spring Line-Up 2008

Presenting the noise of the streets for Spring '08. Classic sounds and nu-rhythm din scares both carjackers and carjillers. It sends a powerful message to any city resident. That message is: Hey, check it out, I own a car in the City and you don't, and my car makes a lot of noise, especially at night when you're trying to sleep, because I'm a big jerk.

Classic Line
EEEE-UUUEEE EEEE-UUUEEE
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH
NAAAH NOOOH NAAAH NOOOH
aaaAAAAA aaaAAAAAA
MERP MERP MERP MERP
STAND AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE

Modern Line
NEJK MOP MOP NEJK MOP MOP
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
beep beep BEEP BEEP beep
GYRX MARKLE GYRXXXXXXXXX
LAAAH LOOOW LAAAH LOOOW
STOP CAR THIEF. STOP, CAR THIEF. CAR THIEF: STOP.

Correction

In the bits before the last bit, Superman's Top Three Jerk Moves, By Anonymous Boy Photographer, we mislabeled the source who detailed Superman's cruel, single-minded vengeance. He should have been identified as "Anonymous Boy Photographer and Cub Reporter." Luggage Tuesdays regrets the error and sincerely apologizes to Mr. Jimmy Olsen of Metropolis.

Descriptions of Top Viral Videos for This Hour

Adorable Cat - Some cat meows a lot. So cute!

Response to Parody of Parody of Popular YouTube Video - Seems that MrFletch69 takes umbrage to Lemon72's send-up of Tom Cruise singing "Chocolate Rain."

Will Ferrell's Friend's Cute Daughter - This time she plays a soccer coach/NASCAR driver/anchorman/ice skater/basketball star/Dick York.

College Dude Does Something Stupid - His dormmate is too busy videotaping to save him.

Anonymous vs Bedtime - Internet denizen protests Mom's new 10pm curfew.

Your Co-Worker's Sketch Comedy Group - Vote for them today. Simply sign up and click!

Alan Colmes Speaks Up on FoxNews' Hannity and Colmes - Colmes finally speaks up; asks for a glass of water.

Sounds of the Ocean, Featuring T-Pain

Baby Gets Mauled by Big Dog- It's funnier than it sounds. You had to be there.

Continuation of Previous Bit

Previous bit

PERRY WHITE
By Yahweh's robe!

J. JONAH JAMESON
The resident president!

PERRY WHITE
General Grant's goggles!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Get me Robbie!

PERRY WHITE
Neptune's trident!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Diet cola!

JIMMY OLSEN
How did I get here?

PERRY WHITE
By Eros' battle cry!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Gilding lily!

PERRY WHITE
Poseidon's trident!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Robbie Robertson, where are you!

PERRY WHITE
Fresh mint Trident!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Golden goose eggs!

JIMMY OLSEN
Whose blood is this?

PERRY WHITE
Stop the presses!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Headline news!

PERRY WHITE
Fantastic phantasms!

J. JONAH JAMESON
G-g-g-g-ghosts!

PERRY WHITE
Holy Moses!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Flaming bush!

JIMMY OLSEN
That torso, I recognize the costume...It's Spider-man. [vomits]

Enter SUPERMAN through window.

SUPERMAN
Jimmy Olsen killed Spider-man!

Superman's Top Three Jerk Moves, By Anonymous Boy Photographer

#3
Int. PERRY WHITE's office of the Daily Planet

CLARK KENT
Guys, I need to step out for a minute. I should be back before Superman arrives.

CLARK KENT leaves through office door.
Enter SUPERMAN through window.

SUPERMAN
Hi guys! Where's Clark?

LOIS LANE
He had to step out but will be right back.

SUPERMAN
What? No! [Smashes PERRY WHITE's desk] Dammit! [Smacks office globe into bookcase] Every time I arrive, Clark's never here! [Sets garbage can on fire using laser beam eyes] Arrgh!

SUPERMAN exits through wall.
CLARK enters.

CLARK KENT
Hi guys...holy cats! What happened?

JIMMY OLSEN
Superman was acting like a dick.

CLARK KENT
Bet you wouldn't say that to Superman's face, tough guy.

#2
Ext. Outside the Daily Planet building
JIMMY OLSEN crying.
SUPERMAN flies over.

SUPERMAN
I descended from the heavens when I heard a grown man crying.

JIMMY OLSEN
Our office dog died. Can't you fly against the earth's orbit and go back in time before Daily Puppy got hit by a car?

SUPERMAN
Yeah, I could, but I don't wanna.

JIMMY OLSEN
[thinking] You dick.

SUPERMAN
Clark said you had something to say to my face? No, nothing? Yeah, I thought so. You know I can hear your thoughts, right?

SUPERMAN kicks sand in JIMMY's eyes.

#1
Int. PERRY WHITE's office.
Enter PERRY and his rival but longtime friend, J. JONAH JAMESON. Both MEN abruptly halt. The gory corpse of SPIDER-MAN litters the office. A barely conscious JIMMY OLSEN sits up, covered in blood.

JIMMY OLSEN
Where am I?

PERRY WHITE
Great Caesar's ghost!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Jumping jazz!

PERRY WHITE
By Odin's beard!

J. JONAH JAMESON
*HRUMPH*!

PERRY WHITE
Thorny milk thistle clusters!

J. JONAH JAMESON
Diet cola!

JIMMY OLSEN
Where am I?

Things to Do During a Blackout

File Under: Topical Humor, PG&E Jokes

Send the message "BLACKOUT" on Mental Twitter.
Eat the earthquake food.
Light all the scented candles, then let loose.
Listen for car accidents.
When handling a flashlight, keep ghost stories under two minutes.
Call Kozmo.com for chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers.
Fax jokes to Leno via the solar fax machine.
Watch "Introduction to iPod Video" a hundred million times.
Play Tetris Demo on cell phone until thumbs hurt.
Write your deepest secret in the dark.
When I was twelve, I stuck a fuzzy troll doll in my pants to see how it would feel on my junk but after two hours it got sweaty so I took it out and placed it on the back window of home room but during sixth period recess these kids found it and one said, "Man, this troll doll stinks bad!"

Small Print on Foodstuff

Scientific evidence suggests, but does not prove, that eating two bowls of Toffee Maple Flakes, as part of a diet high in maple and toffee, can encourage regular visits to an emergency room.

May contain: nuts, wheat, milk, egg, ephedra.

Our non-hydrogenated non-dairy trans-fat non-GMO buttery spread may reduce the risk of heart disease. We call this 'the magic butter.'

Please drink responsibly. Dad. Please.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, but it'll totally give you a fat hard-on.

Please refrigerate after opening, or give to the homeless.

1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregenacy because of risk of birth defects. 2) Since when are you going to let the Man tell you what to do?

New Flavors

Natural Peach Choconillaberry
Holiday Poultry
Inoffensive Pop Ballad
Coffeemate Menthol
The Flavor That Cannot Be Named
Urban Lite Extreme
Diet Blue
Ephedra-Free Vanilla
Full-Bodied Fruity Spicy Aromatic Lush Merlot
Turkey Flavored Soda-Flavored Turkey
Ass

Popular Catchphrases from Unpopular Jim Carrey Sequels

The Mask 3 - "It's showtime! Again."

Bruce Almighty, Liar Liar - "I swear to God, I'm not lying. Right, God?"

The Number 23 2 - "It's like I see the number two hundred and thirty two everywhere!"

Yo Baby Jokes

Your baby is so cute, dolphins use his photo as a screensaver.
Your baby is so adorable, people mistake her for Zac Efron.
Your baby is so cute, Margaret Keane started to cry.
Your baby's breath is so fresh, she got a job at Febreze.
Your baby is so cute, you must be so pleased with yourself, oh la di da, look what my sperm did, I'm Mr. Perfect, look at my baby. Never mind, baby's crying.




More baby jokes from Luggage Tuesdays:

"Your baby's diaper is so poopy..."
Beginners' Baby Sign Language
Live Baby Jokes
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 11: Kids Menu

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.3: Entrees: Foie Gras Favorites

NEW! Spicy Foie Gras Calamari
Rings of squid covered in spicy teriyaki foie gras sauce.

NEW! Grilled Foie Gras Caesar Salad
Lettuce gets tossed with Caesar dressing, toasted croutons and anchovies, served with grilled marinated foie gras.

NEW! BLFGT
Try our classic sandwich of bacon, lettuce, foie gras, and tomato.

NEW! Ciabatta Foie Gras
Foie gras gets covered in grilled onions and tangy mustard on a hot ciabatta bun.

NEW! Stuffed Flounder
Ahoy! Get stuffed with fresh fillets of flounder, stuffed with real crabmeat and foie gras.

NEW! Mac and Cheese and Foie Gras
Macaroni gets smothered in a tangy cheese, porcini mushroom, and foie gras sauce.

NEW! Foie Gras Stackers
Get foie gras and cheese "your way" with the Foie Gras Stacker. Choose from double, triple or quadruple layers of foie gras and cheese -- topped with bacon and truffles. No veggies allowed.

NEW! Homestyle Foiegrasloaf
Mom will wonder who stole her recipe when she tastes this.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.2: Entrees: Food From Our Commercials

You drove here for a reason. Now eat what you see on TV!

Served by smiling waitstaff. Ethnically diverse friends available upon request.

NEW! Slow-Motion Flame-Kissed Tossed Pan-Fried Shrimp
In our kitchen, a metal pan will throw four shrimp over a flame in slow motion. Comes with a salad of slow-motion exploding wet lettuce.

NEW! Stuff Poured on Steaks
We crumble blue cheese on an otherwise perfectly good piece of meat, then we drip honey mustard bacon pesto tartar sauce on it.

NEW! Bouncing Fried Shrimp
Hot breaded fried shrimp land on a white plate and immediately bounce. Served with a shower of slowly spraying lemon wedges.

NEW! Sauce-Brushed Tong-Handled Melody-Blessed Baby Back Ribs
Here our humane essence of cooking shines. Using metal tongs, we place pork on the grill, then tastefully layer sauce on it using a paintbrush, all the while singing songs about baby back ribs.

NEW! Telegenic Lobster
Get sprayed by shellfish juice when you crack open our freshly frozen genuine locally shipped lobster.