Management requests patrons not to tell the "Whenever I see food, I eat it" joke to the staff, as per the ruling of John Doe vs. Waitress Who Snapped.
New! Lobster Shrimp
Move over, jumbo shrimp! This shrimp is so big, it's shaped like lobsters. It's served over steaming hot rice-shaped couscous, with a wedge of cantaloupe-sized lemon.
New! Paella Jambalaya Etouffee Gumbo
Don't worry if you can't pronounce this traditional stew of traditional stews. Just know it's a lot of different shellfish and point to the menu when ordering. Also, don't fret about where we find shellfish.
Retro! Microwaved Frozen Fish Sticks with Frozen Relish Package, Mayo and Ketchup Tartar Sauce
Relive your Gen-X years when you had to cook for yourself and the only thing in the kitchen was a box of fish sticks. (Remember, your ex-roommate Jake bought it when he was on that vegetarian kick. He never ate it, and then he moved out of the apartment and you were like, "Whatever. Babysitter food.") Unlike you, we know how long to microwave the breaded sticks of fish and properly whip up tartar sauce with perfectly thawed pickle relish.
New! ScrodFest 2008
Dive into a seaworthy scrod celebration. Catch one of these scrod entrees: Spicy Jumbo Scrod with Lobster Shrimp Butter, Euro-Pepper Chipotle Scrod, or Tequila-Beer-Margarita Scrod. Served with cheese sticks and pork buns. Avaliable only on Scrod Lover's Tuesdays.
New! All-You-Can-Eat Wild California Chinook King Salmon
'Tis the chinook fishing season for bottomless plates of prized pink fish from the Sacramento and San Joaquin Rivers. Dig in, there's plenty more where that comes from!
by Mike Spiegelman
Plug: See Luggage Tuesdays performed live this Wednesdays
After a successful debut last month at the Stage Werx, Mike Spiegelman will be performing a short set of selections from Luggage Tuesdays this Wednesday as part of the Comedian Showcase at Our Little Theater in San Francisco. East Bay fans of the comedian can rejoice, knowing Spiegelman will also be performing his stand-up act at Spud's Pizza and Brew in Berkeley this Friday.
Links at Upcoming.yahoo.com:
Our Little Theater Stand-Up Comedy Showcase
Pizza and Love Comedy Showcase
Mike's old headshot, taken by Dan Dion, 9/12/2001:
Links at Upcoming.yahoo.com:
Our Little Theater Stand-Up Comedy Showcase
Pizza and Love Comedy Showcase
Mike's old headshot, taken by Dan Dion, 9/12/2001:
Broccoli Jokes 2008
File Under: Salad Jokes, Broccoli Jokes
A father tries everything to get his son to eat his broccoli. He tells the boy about the nutritional value of broccoli and how good for you it is to eat it, but the boy won't budge.
The father uses Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook, Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food, to bake broccoli Hostess SnoBalls. The son glady eats the coconut and marshmallow-covered chocolate cake, but leaves behind the broccoli cream filling. Then the father does a third thing, and that fails. Finally, the father confronts his child, and asks him, "Son, why won't you eat your broccoli?" The son goes, "Dad, for the last time, that's not broccoli. It's really old cauliflower."
A pair of broccoli are on their honeymoon and the bride says, "Honey, finally we're in our hotel suite, and we're married. As your wife, what do you want me to do to you first?" The groom smiles, and says, "69! 69!" And the bride goes, "You want me with beef in ginger sauce?"
A giant piece of broccoli and three carrots are trapped inside a double boiler. "Oh, no," says the broccoli, "The stove is lit!" A tough carrot says, "Don't worry.
Us carrots will escape from this here double boiler and then come back and save you broccoli later." So the broccoli agrees and the carrots huddle up and launch themselves out of the pot. The carrots celebrate by having a beer. Three beers later, a carrot is lighting his fart and accidently lights the broccoli's dog on fire. The tough carrot goes, "Oh, no, we forget about the broccoli!" So, the carrots put down their beer and run back to the double boiler and open the lid. "Broccoli, we are so sorry that we forgot you. Also, we accidently lit your dog on fire. You must be angry." "'Angry?!'" replies the broccoli. "I'm steamed!"
A mom and her bored child are leaving the busy supermarket, when suddenly the mother says, "I forgot to buy broccoli rabe. I forgot two rabe, broccoli." And her kid goes, "Who wants to rob broccoli?" The mother replies, "That's funny. Can I use that?"
Submitted by Mrs. Nicholas Way, Bloomfield, NJ
Why did the Governor install the electric chair in the vegetable garden inside the local prison?
Governor prefers his broccoli stir-fried.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Jean de Florette.
Jean de Florette who?
Gene, do florets taste better butter-steamed?
Two pieces of broccoli catch each other's eyes outside the old windmill in the park. One says, "You are a hottie! You know what caught my eye about you?" The other says, "Is it my floret?" "No." "Is it sexy flowers in my head?" "No." "Then what is it?" The first piece of broccoli says, "I like your round girthy thick stem. You're long and green, and it drives me nuts." The other broccoli goes, "What are you, a 'stalker'?"
A father tries everything to get his son to eat his broccoli. He tells the boy about the nutritional value of broccoli and how good for you it is to eat it, but the boy won't budge.
The father uses Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook, Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food, to bake broccoli Hostess SnoBalls. The son glady eats the coconut and marshmallow-covered chocolate cake, but leaves behind the broccoli cream filling. Then the father does a third thing, and that fails. Finally, the father confronts his child, and asks him, "Son, why won't you eat your broccoli?" The son goes, "Dad, for the last time, that's not broccoli. It's really old cauliflower."A pair of broccoli are on their honeymoon and the bride says, "Honey, finally we're in our hotel suite, and we're married. As your wife, what do you want me to do to you first?" The groom smiles, and says, "69! 69!" And the bride goes, "You want me with beef in ginger sauce?"
A giant piece of broccoli and three carrots are trapped inside a double boiler. "Oh, no," says the broccoli, "The stove is lit!" A tough carrot says, "Don't worry.
Us carrots will escape from this here double boiler and then come back and save you broccoli later." So the broccoli agrees and the carrots huddle up and launch themselves out of the pot. The carrots celebrate by having a beer. Three beers later, a carrot is lighting his fart and accidently lights the broccoli's dog on fire. The tough carrot goes, "Oh, no, we forget about the broccoli!" So, the carrots put down their beer and run back to the double boiler and open the lid. "Broccoli, we are so sorry that we forgot you. Also, we accidently lit your dog on fire. You must be angry." "'Angry?!'" replies the broccoli. "I'm steamed!"
A mom and her bored child are leaving the busy supermarket, when suddenly the mother says, "I forgot to buy broccoli rabe. I forgot two rabe, broccoli." And her kid goes, "Who wants to rob broccoli?" The mother replies, "That's funny. Can I use that?"Submitted by Mrs. Nicholas Way, Bloomfield, NJ
Why did the Governor install the electric chair in the vegetable garden inside the local prison?
Governor prefers his broccoli stir-fried.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Jean de Florette.
Jean de Florette who?
Gene, do florets taste better butter-steamed?
Two pieces of broccoli catch each other's eyes outside the old windmill in the park. One says, "You are a hottie! You know what caught my eye about you?" The other says, "Is it my floret?" "No." "Is it sexy flowers in my head?" "No." "Then what is it?" The first piece of broccoli says, "I like your round girthy thick stem. You're long and green, and it drives me nuts." The other broccoli goes, "What are you, a 'stalker'?"
Latest Clown Gossip
The Great Weldo may be the star of a new reality tv show on Bravo. "I play pranks on my family," Weldo exclusively tells LCG. "I light my wife on fire and hand her a bucket full of confetti." Can't wait, Weldy!...
Manboy the Child Clown will publish his memoir this spring; apparently he doesn't regret naming names during the HUAC hearings...And They Call It Carney Love Dept: Joanne Clownie to wed long-term sweetheart, Bearded Lady...City Clown College bans hazing after fatal pie fight...FedEd Kinko's Office and Print Center sues Kinko the Clown for domain name cyber-squatting... Hot homo action inside the tiny clown car between two popular male clowns? 14 witnesses say they saw it all!...Squibble the Clown moonlighting as Squibble the Magician? Say it ain't so, Squib! "He's got to feed his family," says a friend. "He can do that on magician money."...Paparazzi chasing Dusty Clown? Actually, it's a documentary crew following the Duster from one b'day bash to the next. The film isn't about his career, though, but the horrible secret about his father...
Manboy the Child Clown will publish his memoir this spring; apparently he doesn't regret naming names during the HUAC hearings...And They Call It Carney Love Dept: Joanne Clownie to wed long-term sweetheart, Bearded Lady...City Clown College bans hazing after fatal pie fight...FedEd Kinko's Office and Print Center sues Kinko the Clown for domain name cyber-squatting... Hot homo action inside the tiny clown car between two popular male clowns? 14 witnesses say they saw it all!...Squibble the Clown moonlighting as Squibble the Magician? Say it ain't so, Squib! "He's got to feed his family," says a friend. "He can do that on magician money."...Paparazzi chasing Dusty Clown? Actually, it's a documentary crew following the Duster from one b'day bash to the next. The film isn't about his career, though, but the horrible secret about his father...
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.6: Entrees: Steaks, Prime Ribs, and Briskets
THIS SECTION IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Our steaks and prime ribs will return, fresh from the organic cloning labs. This beef will be tender, juicy, and able to obey orders. By reading sentences with the words recall, downer, cow, and tainted meat, you legally absolve us from any retroactive steak dinners. Ask for our special free sample.
New! Free! Swedish Meatballs SampleMade from new, healthy cloned beef. Eat all you want, we'll clone more!
Also, let's not get Hamburgers involved. It'll be our little secret.
Mayor Decrees Free Ice Cream for Denizens Who Missed the Torch Relay
San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom apologized for changing the Olympic torch run route, denying thousands of city residents and tourists the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. "Look, I'll make it up to you," said Newsom. "Free ice cream for everyone I burned!" Ice cream will be available all day today at Justin Herman Plaza. For real this time.
Apologies to News As Gossip.
Apologies to News As Gossip.
Alternative Endings or Deleted Scenes From Horror Movies
It was just a dream.
Jason kills Freddy while the Wolfman watches.
Teens read part of Ulysses where Bloom buys newspaper.
Summer camp counselors stand by no-refunds policy.
American students escape hostel thanks to smelly German students.
Leprechaun is in the 'hood; neighborhood undergoes gentrification.
Fisherman finds out what you did last summer via Facebook.
Someone shoots madman in the face; madman dies.
Jason kills Freddy while the Wolfman watches.
Teens read part of Ulysses where Bloom buys newspaper.
Summer camp counselors stand by no-refunds policy.
American students escape hostel thanks to smelly German students.
Leprechaun is in the 'hood; neighborhood undergoes gentrification.
Fisherman finds out what you did last summer via Facebook.
Someone shoots madman in the face; madman dies.
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 6.5: Entrees: Holiday Meals
In observance of Yom Kippur, our buffet tables will remain empty.
New! Eggnog and Bacon, with Hash Browns, Short Stack, Toast, and Coffee
What gives this breakfast gift a little kick? 'Tis the seasonings pepper and salt/sodium.
New! Hopping John New Year's Day Dish
Start your resolutions right with our healthy and affordable bowl. We've replaced bacon and ham hocks with turkey bacon and lean duck, respectively.
Substitutions, please add $2.99:
Substitute turkey bacon with real bacon.
Substitute duck with real ham hocks.
Substitute black-eyed peas with M&Ms.
Old Favorite! Plate of Brownies
Can't be a holiday without it.
Turkey, Mashed Potatoes with Gravy, Stuffing, Yams, and Cranberry Sauce Astronaut Pill
That's one small step for [a] man to eat a holiday classic in the form of a tablet. NASA traded us these for 20 deep fryers. Served with vodka.
Divisions, please add $2.99:
1/2 Pill, 1/2 Soup
1/2 Pill, 1/2 Salad
New Twist! Gefilte Fish on Leavened Bread
Oy, Gefilte! Our juicy patties are packed with carp, leavened matzah, eggs, onions, and carrots, smothered in chilled gelatin. We place it on a slice of white bread, with a schmear of Miracle Whip, on a bed of lettuce.
Additions, please add $2.99:
Add Horseradish
Add Bacon
New! Eggnog and Bacon, with Hash Browns, Short Stack, Toast, and Coffee
What gives this breakfast gift a little kick? 'Tis the seasonings pepper and salt/sodium.
New! Hopping John New Year's Day Dish
Start your resolutions right with our healthy and affordable bowl. We've replaced bacon and ham hocks with turkey bacon and lean duck, respectively.
Substitutions, please add $2.99:
Substitute turkey bacon with real bacon.
Substitute duck with real ham hocks.
Substitute black-eyed peas with M&Ms.
Old Favorite! Plate of Brownies
Can't be a holiday without it.
Turkey, Mashed Potatoes with Gravy, Stuffing, Yams, and Cranberry Sauce Astronaut Pill
That's one small step for [a] man to eat a holiday classic in the form of a tablet. NASA traded us these for 20 deep fryers. Served with vodka.
Divisions, please add $2.99:
1/2 Pill, 1/2 Soup
1/2 Pill, 1/2 Salad
New Twist! Gefilte Fish on Leavened Bread
Oy, Gefilte! Our juicy patties are packed with carp, leavened matzah, eggs, onions, and carrots, smothered in chilled gelatin. We place it on a slice of white bread, with a schmear of Miracle Whip, on a bed of lettuce.
Additions, please add $2.99:
Add Horseradish
Add Bacon
Second Opinion with Dr. Electrical Coil
Dr. Electrical Coil, can I make microwaveable popcorn on a hot plate?
Yes. You'll also need a little vegetable oil and a pan with a lid. Pour the oil in the pan. Open the bag and place three kernels in oiled pan. Cover and heat. Shake pan over hot plate until you can hear the three kernels pop. Then pour the remaining kernels into the pot and shake until all pops. Share with residency hallmates. May not work with all microwaveable popcorn brands.
Can I make Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars on a hot plate?
No, but you can eat Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars cold.
Thanks Doc, can I also make this Jiffy Pop?
Yes.
Yes. You'll also need a little vegetable oil and a pan with a lid. Pour the oil in the pan. Open the bag and place three kernels in oiled pan. Cover and heat. Shake pan over hot plate until you can hear the three kernels pop. Then pour the remaining kernels into the pot and shake until all pops. Share with residency hallmates. May not work with all microwaveable popcorn brands.
Can I make Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars on a hot plate?
No, but you can eat Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars cold.
Thanks Doc, can I also make this Jiffy Pop?
Yes.
Ask Dr. Hot Plate
Dr. Hot Plate, can I make microwaveable popcorn on a hot plate?
No.
Can I make Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars on a hot plate?
No.
Well, Jeez, Doc, can I least make this Jiffy Pop?
Yes.
No.
Can I make Betty Crocker® Microwaveable Single-Serve Sunkist® Lemon Bars on a hot plate?
No.
Well, Jeez, Doc, can I least make this Jiffy Pop?
Yes.
Abandoned Callbacks
"Refrigerator? 13 cents!"
"Where? Where? Why, I oughtta!"
"Applesauce! Applesauce!"
"You're not gonna believe this!"
"You try telling that to the soda machine!"
"Did somebody say, 'organic make-up?'"
"It's pronounced 'Ura-nus,' not 'Ur-an-us!'"
"Aw, no! Not that again!"
"Where? Where? Why, I oughtta!"
"Applesauce! Applesauce!"
"You're not gonna believe this!"
"You try telling that to the soda machine!"
"Did somebody say, 'organic make-up?'"
"It's pronounced 'Ura-nus,' not 'Ur-an-us!'"
"Aw, no! Not that again!"
Correction of Previous Bit
In the previous bit, Radio Highlights, we misidentified an hour's programming as six Green Day songs. It was, in fact, just one Green Day song, played six times.
Radio Highlights
5-6am Six Green Day songs
6-10am Morning DJs belittle the same three celebrities in exchange for paychecks.
10:30-6pm Opinionated talk and commercials for health oils.
4-8pm Live from the Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts. Some opera thingy.
10-11pm National Public Radio New Music Showcase. Profiling Iggy Pop and His Stooges.
6-10am Morning DJs belittle the same three celebrities in exchange for paychecks.
10:30-6pm Opinionated talk and commercials for health oils.
4-8pm Live from the Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts. Some opera thingy.
10-11pm National Public Radio New Music Showcase. Profiling Iggy Pop and His Stooges.
Phone Book Joke
A commerical and residential phone book were walking past a haunted house, when suddenly, they hear a terrifying scream.
"Did you hear that?" said the commerical phone book, "That noise is coming from that house over there."
"Well, we should investiagate," said the residential phone book.
"Count me out," said the commerical phone book.
"What's the matter? Is this scaring you?" asks his friend, "You yellow?"
"Did you hear that?" said the commerical phone book, "That noise is coming from that house over there."
"Well, we should investiagate," said the residential phone book.
"Count me out," said the commerical phone book.
"What's the matter? Is this scaring you?" asks his friend, "You yellow?"
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