Family Restaurant Menu, Part 7: Desserts

Due to rising costs, the sundae bar now shares space with the salad bar. Please follow the Sundae Bar Rules.

Malts and shakes can now be found in the Beverages section of the menu, thanks to the recent Supreme Court ruling, State Board v. Fat Kid.

New! Spongy Blob Square Cake
Are you ready, Dessert Eaters? Aye-aye, Dessert Captain. I can't hear you... Aye-aye, Dessert Captain! Oh! Who tastes like a pineapple soaked in Jim Bean? Spongy Blob Square Cake! Spongy and yellow and tasty is he! Spongy Blob Square Cake! You must be at least 21 years old with proper ID to eat this animated taste treat. Animated taste treat is not affiliated with Nickelodeon Networks and is not part of the Kids Menu.

New! Ice Cream
Moo-ve over, cupcakes, because ice cream's back in town! Now available in a bowl, cone, or on a waffle. Flavors:
Vanillish, Chocolatey, Strawblerry, Bananasque Foster, Sanka Swirl, Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies Encore Edition

New! Foodie Regression Pie
Why do restaurant reviewers write caustic, urbane critiques of entrees, then regress into a creepy child voice when discussing desserts? One tasters of our yum-yum pie and you'll say, "More, pwease!"

New! Philly Style Cheesecake
Here's a sweet alternative to rude New York style cheesecake. Made from fresh Pennsylvania cheese, it's served with grilled onions and peppers on whatever those rolls are.

New! American Dessert Tray
For dessert in Europe, the garçon wheels over a cart of four desserts. The patrons selects one. The garçon then wheels the tray back into the kitchen and returns with a fresh dessert. We offer you strawberry tart, caramel flan, chocolate cake, or caramel chocolate strawberry flan tart cake, with an American twist: We let you eat all four!

New! Plate of Brownies
It's a plate of brownies.

Sundae Bar Rules

Ice cream is not included with sundae bar visit and is a separate purchase from our Dessert menu.
Not available to those who order the meat Kosher meal.
Due to the ephemeral nature of ice cream, please select quickly and keep conversations to a minimum.
Do not pour cold milk into the Cheerios bin.
Please, no junk dunking.

Our all-you-should-eat sundae bar offers you:
Sprinkles, jimmies, chocolate sprinkles, rainbow jimmies, Hydrox cookie crumbles, mini Kit Kats, crushed Certs, Planter's peanuts, Beer Nuts, pecans, crunchy nonpareils, chocolate chips, coconut shavings, Cheerios, blue strawberries, kiwi, leftover brownies, whipped cream, Miracle Whip, soy whip, and maraschino cherries.

The sundae bar is now located in the salad bar, which is a separate purchase.
The following are not considered sundae toppings:
Diced tomatoes, chopped onion, mushroom caps, carrot shavings, mint jelly, wasabi croutons, Savoy cabbage, water chestnuts, raw garlic cloves, baby corn, buttercrunch lettuce.

How to Tell Apart the Sundae Sauces In Case Of Missing Placards
Light brown, sticky: Caramel Sauce
Dark brown, familiar tasting: Hot Fudge
Clear, tasteless: Liquid Gelatin
Yellowish, thick: Hot Butterscotch
Crimson, vile: Berry Sauce

Partial Transcripts of the "Hunters for Love" Seminar

Good evening, my name is Admiral Zeld. I am a vampire hunter. I know what you're thinking, what if Jeff Goldblum and Van Helsing had a baby? (waits for laugh) No? How many vampire hunters are here tonight? Canes up. None? Maybe it's because there's a one-night-only sale on garlic at Shaw's. (waits for laugh) Actually, it's a full moon tonight, everyone's out and about. Totally poor planning on my part.

Q. Admiral, we're not interested in Buffy vampire slayers looking for love. Your course title only says "Hunters for Love."
A. Yes, it's misleading. Again, poor planning. But you bring up a great point.

I'm a hunter, not a slayer. And Buffy is a TV show, not real. But sometimes, I lie and say I know Buffy personally. Why? To impress chicks.

Vampire hunting is a lonely game. Sure, you can fall in love with a human, but your only bond will be your mutual mortality. You can't tell them about your day. Anything supernatural will confuse them. Or bore them. How can the timeless void of a mind vortex be considered boring? That date ended badly.

You may bump into a werewolf hunter or an invisible man hunter who knows the rules, but it's a whole 'nother trip, man. Best to walk away. Yes, questions?

Q. Are you like the Love Guru?
A. What? No. I'm Admiral Zeld, the Love Vampire Hunter. Totally different.

Q. What's the best way to defeat ruthless timepyres?
A. Timepyres?

Q. Time-traveling Draculas.
A. I'm sorry, no shop talk. I'm only here to discuss romance and the vampire hunter.

Q. ARRGGAZZAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
A. Zombie! Wait, it's only Gary. Gary, don't tease me like that. I could have killed you.

Correction of Previous Bit

In the previous bit, Grads and Dads Upper Body Spray Gift Pak Deluxe, Now Half-Off!, we failed to acknowledge that Scrabble® Crossword Board Game is a registered trademark. We apologize to Hasbro Inc. and J.W. Spear & Sons Ltd. We do not acknowledge, however, "MM" as a real two-letter word.

Grads and Dads Upper Body Spray Gift Pak Deluxe, Now Half-Off!

Your young stud is graduating and you like how he smells: confused. Stir up his hormonal swamp with this tawdry present of alluring aromas from Upper Body Sprays. It's ideal for shirtless basketball games, first dates, or discos populated by Europeans. Like your torrid affair, he'll wear it until he knows better.

Or, you forgot Father's Day and have to send Dad a present. This could pass at this point.

Each gift pack contains:

7 24oz Upper Body MaxiSpray Bottles: Man Musk, Arctic Sneeze, He Fruit, Sweat Valley, Pixie Charm Powder, PCP Xtreme, Sports Spray (Off-Season)

4 400 ml Upper Body Spray Shower Gel Water Party Kit: Seaside Xcapade, Closing Time, Sex Citrus, Burnt Hair Breeze

1 296oz MegaRain Refill Drum

1 1oz Paint Can of Upper Body Spray PM Smooth After Shower Talc

2 6oz Bottles of Upper Body Spray Coconut Spice Extreme After Shave Gel

1 4oz Box of Upper Body Spray Island Memory Moisturizing After Shit Wipes

1 3oz Upper Body Spray Let It Ride Crystal Lab Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant Stick

1 8oz Cologne Atomizer of Upper Body Spray Cologne: Knight Hawk

1 8oz Perfume Bottle of Upper Body Spray Perfume: Knight Hawk for Her

2 32oz Aerosol Cans of Upper Body Spray Eau de Toilet, Odorless

29 wooden Scrabble tiles, assorted

1 Friend Bracelet, Rainbow

1 Pair of Tickets to Natural Treasure 3: Chambers of Enigmas, when available

1 Swatch Watch Catalog, with certain models half-heartedly circled in ink

Legal Assistant Jokes

What do you say to a legal assistant who's just been attacked by a pack of wolves?
"Where's my coffee?"

Why won't sharks attack legal assistants?
Not worth it.

What's the difference between a legal assistant and a bucket of shit?
I didn't notice the legal assistant has been in the conference room this whole time.

What do you call 20 legal assistants trapped in a volcano?
Guess you can call the temp agency and order more legal assistants.

What's the difference between a legal assistant and a terrorist?
Lawyers respect terrorists.

How many legal assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as a lawyer can fire and hire at will.