Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
I couldn't believe it when I opened my mailbox only to find Marilyn Manson on the cover of the new BNM ("His Name Combines Two Other Famous Names," November). He wasn't even born with that name. What a poser.
Signed
Ellie Fant
Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
"How can we improve?" you asked in June's opening editorial ("How Can We Improve?", June). I'd start by trimming the self-indulgent blathering of your back page columnists. How many times can a subscriber read another "remembrance" from obscure essayist Yon Yonson? I get it: He comes from Wisconsin , works at the lumberyard there, blah blah. No one cares. Please bring back your past commentator, J.J. Jingleheimer Schmidt. He might have been pedantic, but at least people knew who he was.
Signed
Tony Tunaface
Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
Kathy Ireland is smoking hot, and a terrific actress, but your January interview with the model ("My Last Name Is Also a Country's Name," January) marks her sixth feature in BNM in the past eight months. How about some fresh faces like Flex Alexander or James Blunt?
Signed
Snot-Nose Jones
Dear Editors of Bizarre Names Monthly
Your morbid fascination with "Bizzarre Surnames" [sic] cheapens everyday life for ordinary people afflicted with unfortunate monikers. I'm glad to hear your print edition is finally folding ("A Memo From Publisher Phil D. Cup," August). I believe I speak on behalf of all who proudly live with silly names when I stand up and cheer: Good riddance!
Signed
Name Withheld
Correction
In March's expose, "Final Four Cheerleaders With Funny Names," we mistakenly identified Michigan State Spartans cheerleader Patricia Assmunch as "Patricia Ashmont." We regret the error.
by Mike Spiegelman
Alka-Seltzer Jokes 2009 (Live, with photos)
Photos: Paul Hayes
Helena "Noona" Nolan's Is What? Theater is a mobile theater for one. Performances occur inside a parked U-Haul, where one audience member at a time watches from a wooden booth next to the truck. On March 13, 2009, Luggage Tuesdays' Mike Spiegelman performed Alka-Seltzer Jokes live. Asterisks indicate new Alka-Seltzer jokes for 2009.
[Enters stage. Pours water into glass. Takes packet of Alka-Seltzer. Opens it and drops two tablets into water. Takes glass. Looks into fizzing water. Addresses audience.]
Will you look at how long it takes for this Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in my water glass? This Alka-Seltzer dissolves slowly.
[Enters stage. Pours water into glass. Takes packet of Alka-Seltzer. Opens it and drops two tablets into water. Takes glass. Looks into fizzing water. Addresses audience.]
Will you look at how long it takes for this Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in my water glass? This Alka-Seltzer dissolves slowly.
Now I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...Performers behind curtain inside truck: How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the two tablets are made of stone.
But seriously, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but drop it in water and you'll hear "Ploppeth Ploppeth Fizzeth Fizzeth!"
I say, I say, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but its original ad campaign was "Oh! That's a spicy dinosaur meatball!"
*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but it comes in two flavors: Original and New Salt.
*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the expiration date is "Good Until Jesus's Bar Mitzvah."
That's nineteen hundred and ninety-six years ago.
*Seriously. Seriously. Seriously, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the label warns: "Do not mix with grog. Do not operate heavy dinosaur."
*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but you must sacrifice half of it to Oook, the Sun God.
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the instructions read, "Just add water...when water is discovered."
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old but -- wait, hang on, ok, never mind, it finally dissolved.
[Drinks entire glass in one gulp. Curtains.]
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but it comes in two flavors: Original and New Salt.
*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the expiration date is "Good Until Jesus's Bar Mitzvah."
That's nineteen hundred and ninety-six years ago.
*Seriously. Seriously. Seriously, I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the label warns: "Do not mix with grog. Do not operate heavy dinosaur."
*I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but you must sacrifice half of it to Oook, the Sun God.
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old, but the instructions read, "Just add water...when water is discovered."
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old...
How old is it?
I wouldn't say this Alka-Seltzer is old but -- wait, hang on, ok, never mind, it finally dissolved.
[Drinks entire glass in one gulp. Curtains.]
What's That Noise?
Honking.
Pissed-off bicyclist.
Creepy children's voices.
Fire crackers.
Flat tire.
Gunfire.
Unicorn on a rainbow.
Two dogs humping.
Loud guy.
Loud crazy guy.
Loud drunk guy.
Loud guy on cellphone.
Cat burglar.
Videogame music.
Coffee sipping and slurping from that guy next to you.
Yelling.
Bleeding earbuds.
Solicitors outside window.
Police car.
Ambulance.
Fire engine.
Bass from car radio.
Wall clock.
DJ set.
Unbalanced load.
Sports game on TV.
Transmission.
Carburator.
Brakes.
Belt.
Muffler.
Pager.
It's me. I'm a mouth breather.
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