New Mobile Phone Features 2010

Alphanumeric pad upgraded with new number, π.
"Uh-huh," "Right" audio auto-reply button.
Name recognition: phone now recognizes own name.
One-touch emergency numbers for faster prank calling.
Paintball-friendly GPS.
On-screen URL address for Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Yelp, and other still-popular Internet sites.
Anti-theft ugly aesthetics.
OnStar.
Ken's movie reviews!

Questions? Call 1-800-9π2-878π

Comes in choices of iPhone decoy cases available for many older cell phones:
Classic back, girly pink, 100% recycled peanuts.
WARNING: MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS. 

Warning Signs

Dope dealer's nickname is "Marc the Narc."
Talking toilet not talking.
Volcano sacrifice has slept around, sources confirm.
Angel of Death keeps wiping the lamb blood off your door.
Ringing in ears.
Your sidekick gets a spin-off.

Forgot Your Password?

Retrieve your Luggage Tuesdays password with these three easy steps:

Guess
Is your password the name of your hometown? Current town? Street name? Father's name? Mother's name? Sister's name? First-born's name? The name of your other kid? Your dead pet's name? Your current pet's name? Something about Star Wars? Cartoon character that influenced your generation? Fred Flintstone? Smurfs? Something from YouTube? Popular catch phrase, like "Wasabi!" from those beer commercials? Is your Luggage Tuesdays password identical to your Yahoo! password? Hotmail password? Is your password the word "guest" or "guest1"? Is it an Internet meme, like "Chuck Norris" or "lolcats"? Is there a number in your password? Is it 69? 666? ATM PIN? 911? Is it a birth date? Old zip code? Last four digits of a beloved phone number? That's all I got.

Via Answering Pre-Answered Security Questions
When you originally registered, we gave you an option to answer Security Questions in case your password gets lost. Simply reanswer these questions with your initial answers to retrieve your password. (If you never did answer the questions in the first place, here's how you do it: First, enter your username and password to log in. Go to SETTINGS, then PASSWORD, then SETTINGS, then VERIFICATION, then PROFILE, then VERIFICATION SETTINGS).

What is your porno name?

What are you allergic to?

Where were you when you heard about President Kennedy's assassination?

Was your uncle creepy or not? (Security question brought to you by Uncles Against Creepy Stereotypes)

What is your password?

Via Mail
Send a self-addressed stamped 3x5" postcard to: LUGGAGE TUESDAYS, SAN FRANCISCO, CA, Attn: PASSWORD. Allow 6-8 weeks delivery. Include username and password to process request.

Salad Jokes 2010: Crouton Jokes

File Under: Salad Jokes
See Also: Scraping Bottom of the Barrel Jokes-Wise


What's the difference between a mothball and a ranch-flavored crouton?
One is disgusting to eat and the other repels moths.

A crouton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll be?" Crouton says, "I'll have a flat Budweiser, week-old pretzels, and a Combustible Edison CD." Bartender says, "Why?" Crouton says, "I'm a crouton. I prefer everything stale."

Why are crouton-makers popular in the food industry?
Because they work for bread crumbs.

Why do Americans like croutons?
It makes their salads taste more like a sandwich.

You know when you have too many croutons on your salad when...
...you mix up the salad and the lettuce says: "Aaah! Sunlight!"
...instead of a plate of salad, the buffet cashier charges you for a bowl of soup.
....the table orts feel slighted.

The Motley Croutons
The country club's holding a swanky summer salad, and it looks like Crumbs and Crust - aka the Motley Croutons - are crashing it.

Crust walks up to a leafy vegetable and says, "Where you from? You from Jersey?"

"Non," replies the vegetable. "I'm France's most popular vegetable, the endive, and I was raised here in America, in none other than the White House Victory Garden in Washington, D.C."

"Really?" says Crust. "What would a French vegetable know about victory?"

The endive walks away from Crust.

Crumbs spies a stately yellow female heirloom tomato. "You say 'tomato,'" Crumbs tells her, loosening his tie. "I say, 'Woof, woof.' No offense, you're alright."

"Why, I never," says the yellow heirloom.

"Looks like your grandfather did," says Crumbs. "With a yellow Crayola. Take it easy, you're alright. OK, everyone, let's party!"

This ticks off General Radish. "MOTLEY CRU-TONS!" he bellows.