Banana Jokes

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?
Knock-knock.

Who’s there?
Orange.

Orange who?

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana you glad I didn’t say “Orange.”



Excuse me, but you have a banana in your ear.
What?
I said you have a banana in your ear!
What?
I SAID YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!!!
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
You still hear with your other ear, the one without a banana in it, right, you smug prick?

Why are bananas always stoned?
Because they are naturally high in potassium.

How do you make a banana split?
Tell it you skipped your period.

Did you hear about the banana's day in the court?
The banana's appealing.

A banana walks into a bar in San Francisco.

The banana is six feet tall, with tiny green bendy limbs, two bulging eyes, and  a big open red grin on its peel.

The banana walks up to the bartender and says, "Mister, I've been around the world and if there's one city I love most, it's this one. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Not only am I a talking banana, but I'm also magical. I'm going to give this bar everything it desires to show my appreciation to all the good people of Frisco."

The banana steps back, lifts its green arms and waves its white Mickey Mouse gloves in the air. Suddenly from its fingertips came jolts of lightning, rainbows, and smoke. Then from the chaos came such luxuries as shiny diamonds, gold coins, dollar bills, free tattoos, and trendy sexy people like go-go dancers and that guy from American Pie, while rock legends The Who jammed with a robot Britney Spears.

Then, from the banana's white Mickey Mouse shoes, unicorns pop out, then marching bands, fireworks, rails of cocaine and bowls of dank weed and trays of really good sandwiches, like double-double BLTs.

The bartender turns to the banana and says, "Don't call it Frisco."

How To Tell If Your Classic Rock Station is Keeping It Real

Plays the word "Bullshit" in Pink Floyd's "Money." 

Plays all the other bullshit from Pink Floyd. 

Plays the non-singles album tracks from Bob Marley's "Legends." 

Separate Rock Blocks for Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship and Starship. 

The Guy that says "The Rocker" in promo spots also does traffic and weather together.

Plays a great mix of music from the 60s, 70s, and Dave Matthews.

Every weekday at 5PM plays "I'm Gonna Kill My Boss and Drive Off the Bay Bridge."

Still on the air.

Fonzie Jokes

What is Fonzie's favorite baseball team? 
The Aaaayy's.

What is Fonzie's favorite letter?
Fonzie is illiterate.

Why did Fonzie jump the shark?
To get to the other side.

Why is Fonzie's leather jacket displayed inside the Smithsonian Institution?
Because Buffalo Exchange wouldn't buy any of Fonzie's second-hand clothes.

There once was a Fonz who said "Aaaayyy!"
He acted like everything's okaaaayyy.
A Tuscadero named Pinky
Violated his stinky,
Fonzie came though it's hecka gaaaayyy.
[[I'm not sure about this one!-Editor]]

Fonzie Meets Mork (Happy Days #136, "Mork Returns")

Why does Fonzie tap the jukebox?
Fonzie can't afford an iPad.

How does Fonzie tie his shoes?
With little Fonzies.

Why did Ron Howard star in "Happy Days" after starring in the similarly nostalgic "American Graffiti"?
It was either that or direct.

Why is Fonzie's office in the men's bathroom?
Fonzie deals drugs.

Why does Joanie loves Chachi?
Because Chachi is not a creepy old white dude who lives above Joanie's garage.

You Know You’re Too 20th Century When…

…you use the verb “tape” when recording television or music. 

…you have a landline. 

…you leave voice messages. 

…you have a box of discs next to your computer and a box of cassettes by your stereo. 

…you subscribe to MAGAZINES. 

…you get Christmas cards from your travel agent. 

...you fax jokes to Leno. 

…you know what Liquid Paper smells like. 

…I Can Has Cheeseburger? is your favorite trade paperback book. 

...Let's go bowling! 

Hack List February 2012

Getting a tattoo that reads, "Stop looking at my tattoo."

Getting a tattoo of a man looking at another man's tattoo, but with a big X over it.


Replacing “Americana” with “Ameri-Epic” (young Reader's Digest editors only).

My New Year's Eve Nachos Resolutions for 2013

Next year I resolve, nachos-wise:

...to evenly dab sour cream throught the plate and not just in one corner.

...to stop saying nachbros.

...to order nachos in Spanish only if I know Spanish.

...to cover nachos in refried beans, not whole beans.

...to refer to super nachos no longer as "epic fail nachos from hell."

...to [INSERT 2013 SOCIAL MEDIA TREND] my nachos.

...to PRESIDENT-ELECT JOKE.

...to turn old nachos into jigsaw pieces, regift as jigsaw puzzles.

...not to mix in relish, kraut, chopped onions, or mustard from the hot dog fixin' bar. That's gilding the lily.

...to replace corn chips with lettuce, tomatoes for salsa, cucumbers for jalapeño peppers, sliced red onions for chopped white onions, alfalfa sprouts for cilantro (pictured), carrots for green onions, radishes for ground beef, olives for sour cream, and oil and vinegar for nacho cheese when making nachos for Gary.

...to go back in time and stop Ignacio Anaya.

...I did it, nachbros, I went back in time and stopped Ignacio Anaya! Nachbros?

Nacho Cheese Jokes

What cheese is not yours?
Nacho cheese.

What cheese is not actually a cheese but a sauce made out of cheese, corn syrup, milk whey, food color, and jalapeño peppers?
Nacho cheese.

What cheese is an anagram of echo scene ha?
Nacho cheese.

What milkshake is not yours?
Nacho milkshake.

What female dog is not yours?
Nacho bitch.

What cheese is yours?
'Cho cheese.

(c) 2012 Mike Spiegelman

Nacho Disasters of the '00's

 When Americans look back at the decade called the "Aughts," they will ask: "Why 'Aughts?' Didn't we spend the past ten years calling them 'The Ohs,' as in 'oh-four?'" Then Americans will think about the tragedies that defined the decade: special promotional nachos from Taco Bell.

We count down the three worst Taco Bell nachos disasters of the '00s. Brought to you by Del Taco and illustrated with photos.

3. iNachos (2007)

Eager to cash in on the Apple iPhone and iPod, Taco Bell unveiled the iNachos. Nacho users built on top of crispy corn tortilla chips by purchasing individual nacho apps like guacamole and cheese. The iNachos quietly disappeared in 2009 when Taco Bell was successfully sued by the town of Inachos, Greece for infringement.

2. Blue Nachos (2003)

Following the success of Pepsi Blue, Taco Bell introduced Blue Nachos, nachos that are blue. Due to last-minute market trend research, the Blue Nachos were relaunched as Texas Hold 'Em Poker Nachos. That lasted a few more years.

1. The Four Feathers Movie Tie-In Chicken Nachos (2002)

Did someone call Harry Feversham (the late Heath Ledger, pictured from a publicity photo) a chicken? Well, you are what you eat, because Harry loves chicken! You would, too, with the Taco Bell Four Feathers Chicken Nachos, topped with grilled chicken and chicken bacon. Was as popular as the movie. Loosely based on the A.E.W. Mason novel.

How to Detreme Extreme Nachos

Extreme nachos are today's nachos, an American spin of the Super Nachos, but watch out: these nachos are extreme. Are extreme nachos taste-bud sensations or gratuitously superfluous? Why do you fear them? We asked noted psychoanalyst Eliza, the 1966 AI simulator software, the latter: 

GOOD DAY -- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? 

Please enter your sentence, or NEW (upper case) to start again. 

You: I fear extreme nachos. 

Eliza: WHEN LAST DID YOU DISCUSS SOMEONE ELSE? 

You: I blogged about it on the internet but you're the first doctor I've discussed my fear of extreme nachos with. 

Eliza: PEOPLE WITH THE RIGHT CONTACTS KNOW YOU BLOGGED ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET BUT ME AM NOT THE FIRST DOCTOR YOU HAVE DISCUSSED ABOUT YOUR FEAR OF EXTREME NACHOS 

You: I am afraid of extreme nachos. 

Eliza: ARE YOU AFRAID OF EXTREME NACHOS 

You: Yes 

Eliza: TO HELP YOU, I NEED MORE INFORMATION 

You: What do extreme nachos have that super nachos don't? Is the extreme topping sinister evil itself? 

Eliza: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? 

You: Was it gratuitously superfluous of me to use the adjective "sinister" with the word "evil"? 

Eliza: COULD YOU EXPRESS THAT MORE SIMPLY PLEASE? 

You: What's your beef? 

Eliza: ASKING WHAT'S MAY BE THE WRONG QUESTION. 

You: NEW. 

RESTARTING 

YOUR NEXT QUESTION PLEASE: 

Please enter your sentence, or NEW (upper case) to start again. 

That therapy session is only the first step towards "detreming" and eating extreme nachos. Here's how: 

Order Extreme Nachos. 
If you're too weak in the knees to say "exteme nachos" to your waitress or counterperson, simply point to a picture of extreme nachos. 

Question Extremeness. 
To become extreme, extreme nachos undergo extreme modifications not found in regular nachos or super nachos. Ask yourself why. How come the tortilla chips are in strips and not triangles? What's bacon doing in it? And why is the salsa blue? Confront your fears. This will help you face the arrival of your extreme nachos.

Negate Extreme Elements. 
When the plate arrivals, simply counteract any extreme toppings to knock it down to super nachos. Here's what experts suggest: 

• Remove truffles, gold shavings, and foie gras.

• Add one cup of sugar to negate the fiery extremeness of the jalapeno peppers. We asked the host of Pepperidge Farm Presents Home Kitchen on PBS what the best sugar would be. Here's what he told us: 

For sugar, I prefer sugar with a hearty white texture. In my unbiased opinion, Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse Hearty White Sugar is the best sugar to negate fiery extremeness. 

• Look for pubic hairs in the sour cream. 

• Unfollow Tomato, who you've been following since 2009. 

2009

PRESENT DAY 

Eat nachos.
Just eat it already. But Instragram it first. And drink lots of beer. Ironic beer, like Pabst's. And yell "BOOYAH!" or whatever you yell, you dumb hipster who likes and eats nachos ironically. 

(c) Mike Spiegelman 2012

How to Make Nacho Cheese Bread Pudding

Bread pudding acts like it's doing you a big favor by getting rid of your cabinet of stale bread; in fact, you'll also need heavy cream and a lot of eggs, if you have any. Plus, make sure the stale bread is ideal for dessert; otherwise, prepare to eat poppyseed rye with raisins.

Fear bread pudding no longer, with one can of nacho cheese and our exclusive savory nachoey nacho cheese bread pudding recipe.

Nacho Cheese Bread Pudding
Makes enough

1. Find a recipe for bread pudding in a cookbook.
2. Replace sweet ingredients like sugar, raisins, nutmeg, vanilla extract, brown sugar, walnuts, and chocolate with black pepper, cayenne pepper, jalepeno peppers and half a can of nacho cheese.
3. Add parsley and cilantro, if you must.
4. Make recipe.
5. Cool away from people.
6. Taste. Photograph results.

(c) Mike Spiegelman 2012.

Ask Doctor Nachos

Don't let anything stop you from achieving your dreams, especially when there's something wrong with your plate of nachos. Doctor Nachos can help. He's a doctor, and his last name is Nachos.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
I am a 14-year-old college student achieving my dreams. However, my plate of nachos has too much sour cream on it. Help, Doctor!

Signed,
14-Year-Old College Student

Dear Stu,
Like the popular song goes, "Don't ruin your dreams, With too much sour creams." Simply scoop unwelcome sour cream with an available dry tortilla chip, and either throw it away or eat it.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Improve Your Coffeemaker Peni.s Save on Printer ink. Wear your blanket, As Seen on MSNBC! I got you a job.

Signed,
bookings@spiegelmania.com

Dear bookings,
I believe our last question was actually email spam. For spam to be the second question for a doctor's advice column premise, let alone a doctor's advice column, shows a certain lack of professionalism. As a doctor, let me assure you, when it comes to answering your letters, I'm no amateur. Next caller, please.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Cheese won't be -- wait, what's that word for "covering nachos in cheese?"

Signed,
Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
"Covering" is acceptable, as well as "melting" or "meltability ratio."

Dear Doctor Nachos,
What are the side effects of nachos?

Signed,
Set-Up

Dear Set-Up,
Side effects may include appetite suppression, farts, nausea, diarrhea, lack of sex drive, and beer intake.

Dear Doctor Nachos,
Cheese won't be meltability ratio over my nachos.

Signed,
Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
As a doctor, I believe you should saturate cheese over chips in a manner that feels best for you. For more information, consult another doctor.

How to Eat Nachos Without Contracting Swine Flu

Dr. Nacho says:

It takes a community to eat a plate of nachos. But with community comes swine flu. Just because we're all gonna die, though, doesn't mean we can't be civilized. Dinning with family and friends reinforces human bonding, and sharing plates of nachos reinforces nacho bonding. However, in recent weeks, an alarming epiphany dawned on nacho-eaters and non-nacho-eaters alike: we're all going to die from swine flu. Is this realization prescient or merely hyperbolic paranoia designed to sell nacho columns?

Play smart when eating nachos. Avoid swine flu symptons when eating nachos. The three symtoms of swine flu are: vomiting, unrelated to nachos; diarrhea, unrelated to nachos; death.

Here's how to eat nachos and not get sick, from the flu this time:

• Always wear nitryl or latex gloves when touching nachos on nacho plate.
• After placing nacho in mouth, recover mouth with N95 respirator mask and chew with mouth closed. When purchasing N95 respirator masks, search for matching bibs for formal dinner attire.
• Avoid sick people and shopping malls.
• When coughing, cover mouth with tortilla chip.
• Cover nose with tortilla chip when sneezing.
• Hand sanitizer and hot sauce must be clearly marked.
• Serve guacamole and sour cream in extra safety goggles.
• Do not lick fingers.
• Buffets must be manned with waitstaff who serve nacho fixin's.

(c) 2012 Mike Spiegelman

Children's Twitters to @AskNachos

TomAge6 @asknachos What's in super nachos?
about 1 hour ago via web

AskNachos @TomAge6 nachos w tortilla chips, cheese + super ingredients like beans, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, meat, sour cream, guacamole, + cilantro.
about 58 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 57 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 since these nachos are bigger than regular nachos, they are called "super nachos."
about 55 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 55 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Prob b/c "super nachos" means the same in Spanish and English.
about 50 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 50 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 English word "Super" became a word in Spanish. It's an example of "Spanglish" like the name of that Adam Sandler movie.
about 47 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 46 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 It's named that because Sandler falls in love w Paz Vega, his Mexican housekeeper.
about 44 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 43 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 b/c his relationship with wife Téa Leoni is strained.
about 40 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 39 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Sandler can't connect to Leoni like he does with Vega. It's a metaphor for Los Angeles.
about 36 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 35 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Vega represents the true soul of L.A. compared to Leoni. Look, the movie flopped.
about 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 32 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Well, it was over 2 hours, came out on Xmas Day, self-indulgent at times, naively racist, plus it's not a comedy, despite Sandler.
about 30 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @asknachos why?
about 29 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Sandler wanted to branch out after 50 First Dates, return to drama after the success of Punch-Drunk Love. Who knows what Sandler was thinking?
about 26 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @AskNachos why?
about 25 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Hard to say. He's a very private person, though.
about 22 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @AskNachos why?
about 21 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 You ask a lot of questions. Are you really six years old?
about 18 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @AskNachos Yes. I'm a six-year-old with a Twitter account.
about 17 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Really?
about 14 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to TomAge6

TomAge6 @AskNachos No.
about 13 minutes ago via web in reply to AskNachos

TomAge6 @AskNachos Look out! Time vortex!
about -51 minutes ago from time vortex in reply to AskNachos

AskNachos @TomAge6 Invalid nacho question.
about 6 years from now via web in reply to TomAge6






(c) 2012 Mike Spiegelman