Hack List August 2012

• Those born in August 1999 can see PG-13 movies like Premium Rush, The Possession, and The Apparition this month. 
• For TV-14 programming, consult next year's Hack List.
• Those born during August 1969 can also see PG-13 movies like Premium Rush, The Possession, and The Apparition this month. 

Video: Laundry Basket and Spiegelman "Who's on First?"

(Laundry Basket and Spiegelman, live from 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest)

Quotes From The Caveman Who Discovered Fire

“I've invented OokSoft.”

“Not only did I discover fire, but I discovered enough for all of you. You get fire! You get fire! Everybody gets fire!

Look under your seats. And, guess what? Fire is waiting outside!"

"Take that, gazpacho!"

"I call it 'God's Cleanser.'"

"So that's what's missing from the ol' ring-the-doorbell-and-leave-a-brown-paper-bag-filled-with-dog-feces-on-the-front-

porch gag."

"I would call myself the 'Firestarter' but The Prodigy ruined it."

"I'm goin to run into a movie theater and yell: 'Thing I've discovered! Thing I've discovered!'"

"Next I'll invent the bucket list and check off 'Discover fire.'"

"Ook discovered fire. Ook now fuck fire."

Hack List July 2012

• Hire The Great Ladderini, the only party magician versed in LadderMagic! All ages will ooh and aah at such signature tricks like The Missing Rung, Goin' Up?!, and Climb Climb Jump. No juggling. Serious inquiries only. Via Hack List. 
• Red Hot Socks! Red Hots in your socks. Tabasco, too! Put Tabasco in your socks, put on your socks, let me watch. Serious inquiries only. Via Hack List.
• Want to advertising in the Hack List? Contact the Hack List! Serious inquiries only.

Hack List June 2012

Give it up to yourselves and your host, working hard for you. Good to be back. Hey, who here likes fortune cookies? Not me. If I wanted my fortune told, why would I want a cookie with that? Because I'm a fat-ass? Why multi-task at a time like this? 

Why do restaurants cover the bill with mints or fortune cookies? It's like the sweets are the god cop and the check is the bad cop. "Have a cookie. I'm helplessly wrapped in plastic," and you pick it up and the bill is all like, "Where's the body? Where did you bury the body!" 

Finally, don't you hate it when after a dinner date, your date cuts the evening short, calls it a night and hails a cab home without you? Maybe your relentless riffing was a turn-off. - stop with the light, I said I was closing.

Poll results from Hack List May 2012:

No one answered a single survey.

Hack List May 2012

Poll.

Where do you spit out mouthwash?

• In the sink. 
• In the toilet. 
• In the shower. 

You find "Hack List" funny because of its:

• Wry send-up of Entertainment Weekly. 
• Inside baseball view of hacky comedians. 
• I do not find "Hack List" funny. 

Send poll results to Hack List May 2012 Poll, c/o Luggage Tuesdays. Results will appear in Hack List June 2012.