Rejected Rejection Letters

Congratulations.
You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this.

Signed,
University Dean
Dictated but not read

***

Dear John,
As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed.
Jane

***

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker.

Yours,
Editors of Atlantic Monthly

***

Thanks for meeting us about the position. We have decided at this time to select another candidate. We do appreciate the uplift in our office morale from your laughable presence and our ongoing animated discussions since thenforth.

***

Mike,
Thanks for another submission. You sure are prolific!! While the premise of rejected rejection letters does hold promise, it still seems a bit "head up the ass" and has no solid conclusion.

Editor, metahumorandmetajokes.com

Tom Swifties Salad Jokes 2009

File under: Salad Jokes.
See also: Tom Swifty jokes on Wikipedia.

"This salad genuinely complements my meal," Tom Swifty said organically.

"I'll have the Caesar salad," Tom said imperially.

"Artichoke salad should never be served grilled," said Tom cold-heartedly.

"That's crazy talk to say all I do is talk about radicchio," Tom said ridiculously.

"I nearly choked on this spicy ranch dressing," Tom said hoarsely.

"I spent all night deveining ribs of celery," said Tom, strung-out.

"I love to eat my salad rolled into a flour tortilla," Tom said raptly.

"All these vegetables grew from my compost pile," said Tom, full of shit.

"You can tell a four-star restaurant by the way the waiter serves the salad. Oh, hang on, that's my iPhone ringing. I need to answer that," Tom said rudely.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 16: Last Meals

Choice of prix fixe menu or all-you-can-eat-buffet. Reservations through Governor's office only. Not available in every state. Alcohol no longer served with meal, thanks to one troublemaker. No substitutions. Spoons only. No shirt, no shoes, no pardons.

Prix Fixe Menu.

First Course: Appetizer.
New! Finger Food Five
Point to anything on the menu and we'll serve it as an appetizer (Limit 5 points).

Second Course: Chili.
New! 1001 Meats You Must Eat before You Die Chili
Not affiliated with the book, 1001 Meats You Must Eat Before You Die. Chili served cold to prevent guard scalding.

Third Course: Entrees.
New! Surf N Turf N Surf N Turf
Two Maine lobsters and two New York ribeyes served with two baked potatoes and choice of 4 vegetables.

New! Vegetarian Option: Surf N Surf
Two Maine lobsters served with two baked potatoes and choice of 5 vegetables.

New! Everything Burger
Two all-beef patties, special sauce, caviar, bacon, Dorito's, candy corn, Surf N Turf N Surf N Turf platter, mushrooms, Lord of the Rings box set, gravy, onion rings, stuffed inside an Everything Burger.

Fourth Course: Dessert.
New! A Plate of Brownies
It's a plate of brownies.

New! File-less Birthday Cake
Our cakes taste just like the ones delivered from the Outside, except ours don't have a metal file inside. We replace it with your choice of filling: none, vanilla, or metal file flavor.

Fifth Course: Cigar.
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigars Are Not A Safe Alternative To Cigarettes. Tobacco Smoke Increases The Risk Of Disease, Even In Nonsmokers.

All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
Please follow Salad Bar and Sundae Bar rules.

Before you meet your maker, meet our buffet table. Gorge on low-quality produce, seafood, or common vegetables. Not guaranteed fresh. May cause sickness and ironic death.

Blue Veined Jumbo Shrimp
Room-Temperature Tuna Casserole*
Tainted Meat Balls*
Recalled Green Onions and Spinach Salad
Old New England Clam Chowder
Thawed Fish Sandwich Sliders
Vanilla Fen-Phen Ice Cream
Vintage Egg Nog*

*Verboten for clientele destined to electric chair.

#VH1BKFAIL

On October 3, 2009, VH-1 aired the entire documentary Anvil! The Story of Anvil without interruptions. This commercial-free broadcast was sponsored by Burger King, whose logo appears at only a couple of inappropriate times.

Plug: Mike Spiegelman on Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse

Luggage Tuesdays' own Mike Spiegelman hangs out on YouTube sensation "Hanging Out with Vahe Hovak and Chris Schiappacasse." Mike tells many salad jokes featured from this site.

See it here. Language, adult content.