Plug: SF Sketchfest 2012

I'll be performing two shows this week at the 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest: 

Wednesday, January 25th, 8pm at the Eureka Theater, it's Laundry Basket & Spiegelman & Friends, starring the comedy duo of Laundry Basket and Spiegelman, with special guests Comedian 4D the Time-Traveling Professional Road Comic, and Rip Van Winkle, America's First Comedian (Rip originally appeared here in Luggage Tuesdays). Tickets.

Sunday, January 29th, I will be cohosting Bad Movie Night with Jim Fourniadis and Sherilyn Connelly at the Darkroom Theater. We're heckling the very odd Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women. Tickets.

Broken Promises

I promise to go to bed right after this cup of coffee.

I promise, while dealing narcotics, to honestly answer the question, "Is this shit good?"

I promise to floss my teeth.

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Taboo from Black Eyed Peas

When I'm really bored, I'll pretend I'm Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas.

Hey, guys, it's me, Taboo, from the Black-Eyed Peas. Remember that BEP song that doesn't make you kill yourself? I wrote that!

Taboo from Black-Eyed Peas, here, promoting my memoir, Fallin' Up. My favorite part? The photos of myself. LOL! Just kidding! (Not kidding).

Members of Black Eyed Peas, in descending order of popularity: Fergie, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, photo of Fergie peeing on stage, Taboo.

Taboo trivia: The Black Eyed Peas hired Taboo after the band's auto-tuner committed suicide.

How did Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas get his name? It rhymed with "Who from the Black Eyed Peas?"

What is Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas' favorite Frank Sinatra song? "Witchcraft," because it's strictly Taboo.

Why didn't Taboo from Black Eyed Peas change his name to "Ta.Bo.O"? Because Will.I.Am and Apl.de.ap would call him a poser.

[May 17, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

100 More Words for Snow

1. Snoh.
2. The White Stuff.
3. Old Coldy.
4. Frostamadoodle.
5. God's Dandruff.
6. Free Ice.
7. Nature's Blow.
8. Shoe Wetter.
9. Solid Steam.
10. Sno-Cone Meat.
11. Tiny Bullshit.
12. Igloo Basics.
13. Sled Stuff.
14. Freezy Weez.
15. Icy Oro.
16. Snow Bunny Poop.
17. Deconstructed Snow Fort.
18. Not Semen.
19. Seriously, It's Not.
20. Settled Sleet.
21. Snow That's Different From Other Snow.
22. Fluffier Snow.
23. Picnic Wreckers.
24. Ant Smotherers.
25. Ski Shit.
26. School Day Spoiler.
27. S.N.O.W.
28. Eskimo Junk.
29. Chillax.
30. Yadda Yadda.
31. #Snow.
32. Snow, featuring T-Pain.
33. "Rain".
34. Snow That's What I Call Music.
35. The Sweet Stuff Where "Sweet" Means Cold.
36. Polish Fire.
37. Finger Numbers.
38. Homemade Flashlights.
39. Snowman Boogers.
40. Emo Water.
41. Christmas Milk.
42. Robot Rusters.
43. As Seen in "Snow Dogs".
44. As Seen in "Smilla's Sense of Snow".
45. As Not Seen in "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves".
46. Disco Ice.
47. Poor Man's Dinner.
48. Sun Haters.
49. Sled Grease.
50. Dog Potty.
51. Rain Gone Viral.
52. White Man's Burden.
53. Christmas Shit.
54. Vegan Mayo.
55. Urine Canvas.
56. White Crud.
57. Swag.
58. Mock Mock Snow.
59. Stuff on Ground.
60. White Fear.
61. God, I just had the strangest dream I was listing new words for snow.
62. Snow.com.
63. Snow.tv.
64. @Snow.
65. "Snow".
66. Snowball Fixin's.
67. Poor Man's Waterbed.
68. Ankle Chillers.
69. Bored Water.
70. Penguin Pavement.
71. Oh-Snay.
72. Tracks Trapper.
73. Coldilocks.
74. Tastier Cottage Cheese.
75. Lame Ice.
76. Sky Blotters.
77. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBEOyuTOxx8
78. Free Dreyer's Ice Cream!
79. Lice Lookalikes.
80. Mr. S.
81. Snow Mama.
82. White Snow Mob.
83. Sno.
84. I Can Believe It's Not Butter.
85. iSnow.
86. Junior High Cocaine (Good stuff, too, man).
87. Snow - BOOM Up All In Your Face!
88. Snow: Soundtrack Inspired by the Weather Phenomenon Snow
89. I should go outside and shovel...
90.
91.
92.
93. God, there's snow everywhere. Can't see shit...
94.
95.
96.
97. Fucking blizzard.
98.
99.
100. Help, I can't see shit!

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Spin Magazine

Spin Magazine Going Bimonthly:

Where to begin? I wouldn't say Spin Magazine is old, but it's named after the motions of vinyl records.

Editors cite lack of new Bob Mould antidotes.

Will only publish during months of Rocktober, Rocember, Februarocky, Rapril, Jtune, and August.

Quotes Thurston Moore of Sonic Yonic: "This sounds like a load of crap, and I should know."

Publisher cites competition from more relevant magazines, like Pogs Monthly and What's on UPN Guide.

With R.E.M. breaking up, they suddenly have less articles to publish.

Reason given by editors is that the phrase "alternative rock" takes two months to say.

They would remain a monthly but Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers forgot to renew, causing subscription dip.

Magazine would publish monthly but Courtney Love won't return its phone calls.

Feedback from competition has been positive. "It's a hit," says Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine.

[From October 5, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]