by Mike Spiegelman
Showing posts with label scrapping bottom of barrel jokes-wise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scrapping bottom of barrel jokes-wise. Show all posts
Jokes About A Poisonous Snake Biting This Guy's Friend's Penis (NSFW)
Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys right on his dick.
"Call a doctor," said the man, as the snake slithered away.
His buddy calls the doctor. Doctor says, "You have to suck out the poison thoroughly or your friend is going to die!"
Dude hangs up the phone, turns to his pal, and says, "I've got some bad news. Doctor says we have to 69."
"I better call a doctor," said his friend.
"Not yet," said the guy.
(As told by Gus Van Sant)
The morning sun touches the arid desert. Two friends walk. They don't say much. They walk past cacti and odd-looking trees and driftwood and shrubbery. When they do speak, they share a joke together: they call each other Gerry. The sun rises, warping the air. They walk.
Then a snake bites one of the Gerrys on the dick. That Gerry looks at the other Gerry. The other Gerry looks at the first Gerry. Snake looks at Gerry - I forget which one. Then the snake slithers away.
Sick, Gerry walks. They both walk. As the sun returns to the horizon, Gerrys walk. Gerry dies in the desert. The other Gerry walks to the edge of the highway. The end.
Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the dudes' cock.
"Kill that snake," the injured man told his friend.
"No, don't!" cried the snake.
"You're a talking snake?" asked the man.
"I was a Hollywood starlet until an old witch turned me into a snake," said the snake. "The only way to turn me back is to bite your dick."
"What Hollywood starlet are you?"
"Reese Witherspoon."
"Who?"
"How old are you?"
"We're 21."
"OK, I'm Jennifer Lawrence."
Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the bro's hose, then slithers away.
"Ouch!" said the victim.
"Ha!" said his mate. "Did you ever see Snakes on a Plane?"
"Call a doctor!"
His mate pulled out his cellphone but doesn't call.
Finally, the snake-bitten bro said, "Have you called the doctor?"
"Not yet," said his mate. "First I'm posted on Facebook a clip of Snakes on a Plane that was edited for TV. Instead of saying 'motherfucker,' Samuel Jackson's saying 'Monday Friday.'"
Pickle Me, Elmo: The Best Elmo Jokes
And to think I've always was leery of Mr. Noodle.
Things were amiss when PBS discovered Elmo's World was actually Neverland Ranch.
Who knew Time Square Elmo was the normal one.
Dear guy dressed as Batman on Hollywood Blvd: Arrest the guy dressed as Elmo next to you.
Why did Elmo visit Grouchland? The age of consent there is 15.
Also, Sesame Street is actually an avenue.
PBS got suspicious when they realized Kevin Clash's hand was not up an Elmo puppet. And with that joke, I thank you.
Things were amiss when PBS discovered Elmo's World was actually Neverland Ranch.
Who knew Time Square Elmo was the normal one.
Dear guy dressed as Batman on Hollywood Blvd: Arrest the guy dressed as Elmo next to you.
Why did Elmo visit Grouchland? The age of consent there is 15.
Also, Sesame Street is actually an avenue.
PBS got suspicious when they realized Kevin Clash's hand was not up an Elmo puppet. And with that joke, I thank you.
An Old Joke Gets Expanded
Previously from Mathematical Bar Jokes:
A drunk 43 has been sitting at the bar all day, harassing everyone. 43 turns to the bartender and says, "Make me a double." Bartender says, "That's it. You're eighty-sixed!"
Joke continues:
43 leaves. Bartender turns to a barfly and says, "See what happened?"
"No," says the barfly.
"43 came in, said 'make me a double,' so I said, 'You're eighty-sixed!"
"You what?," says the barfly.
"I go, 'You're eighty-sixed!"
Barfly turns to the guy next to him, who was the number nine, and said, "Did you hear the bartender?"
"No," says the number nine.
"Some limp-wristed number walked in here and said something queer."
The number nine gets offended. "How dare you speak like that."
Barfly eyes the number nine up and down and says, "What's the matter? You square?"
A drunk 43 has been sitting at the bar all day, harassing everyone. 43 turns to the bartender and says, "Make me a double." Bartender says, "That's it. You're eighty-sixed!"
Joke continues:
43 leaves. Bartender turns to a barfly and says, "See what happened?"
"No," says the barfly.
"43 came in, said 'make me a double,' so I said, 'You're eighty-sixed!"
"You what?," says the barfly.
"I go, 'You're eighty-sixed!"
Barfly turns to the guy next to him, who was the number nine, and said, "Did you hear the bartender?"
"No," says the number nine.
"Some limp-wristed number walked in here and said something queer."
The number nine gets offended. "How dare you speak like that."
Barfly eyes the number nine up and down and says, "What's the matter? You square?"
My New Year's Eve Nachos Resolutions for 2013
Next year I resolve, nachos-wise:
...to evenly dab sour cream throught the plate and not just in one corner.
...to stop saying nachbros.
...to order nachos in Spanish only if I know Spanish.
...to cover nachos in refried beans, not whole beans.
...to refer to super nachos no longer as "epic fail nachos from hell."
...to [INSERT 2013 SOCIAL MEDIA TREND] my nachos.
...to PRESIDENT-ELECT JOKE.
...to turn old nachos into jigsaw pieces, regift as jigsaw puzzles.
...not to mix in relish, kraut, chopped onions, or mustard from the hot dog fixin' bar. That's gilding the lily.
...to replace corn chips with lettuce, tomatoes for salsa, cucumbers for jalapeño peppers, sliced red onions for chopped
white onions, alfalfa sprouts for cilantro (pictured), carrots for green onions, radishes for ground beef, olives for sour cream, and
oil and vinegar for nacho cheese when making nachos for Gary.
...to go back in time and stop Ignacio Anaya.
...I did it, nachbros, I went back in time and stopped Ignacio Anaya! Nachbros?
100 More Words for Snow
1. Snoh.
2. The White Stuff.
3. Old Coldy.
4. Frostamadoodle.
5. God's Dandruff.
6. Free Ice.
7. Nature's Blow.
8. Shoe Wetter.
9. Solid Steam.
10. Sno-Cone Meat.
11. Tiny Bullshit.
12. Igloo Basics.
13. Sled Stuff.
14. Freezy Weez.
15. Icy Oro.
16. Snow Bunny Poop.
17. Deconstructed Snow Fort.
18. Not Semen.
19. Seriously, It's Not.
20. Settled Sleet.
21. Snow That's Different From Other Snow.
22. Fluffier Snow.
23. Picnic Wreckers.
24. Ant Smotherers.
25. Ski Shit.
26. School Day Spoiler.
27. S.N.O.W.
28. Eskimo Junk.
29. Chillax.
30. Yadda Yadda.
31. #Snow.
32. Snow, featuring T-Pain.
33. "Rain".
34. Snow That's What I Call Music.
35. The Sweet Stuff Where "Sweet" Means Cold.
36. Polish Fire.
37. Finger Numbers.
38. Homemade Flashlights.
39. Snowman Boogers.
40. Emo Water.
41. Christmas Milk.
42. Robot Rusters.
43. As Seen in "Snow Dogs".
44. As Seen in "Smilla's Sense of Snow".
45. As Not Seen in "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves".
46. Disco Ice.
47. Poor Man's Dinner.
48. Sun Haters.
49. Sled Grease.
50. Dog Potty.
51. Rain Gone Viral.
52. White Man's Burden.
53. Christmas Shit.
54. Vegan Mayo.
55. Urine Canvas.
56. White Crud.
57. Swag.
58. Mock Mock Snow.
59. Stuff on Ground.
60. White Fear.
61. God, I just had the strangest dream I was listing new words for snow.
62. Snow.com.
63. Snow.tv.
64. @Snow.
65. "Snow".
66. Snowball Fixin's.
67. Poor Man's Waterbed.
68. Ankle Chillers.
69. Bored Water.
70. Penguin Pavement.
71. Oh-Snay.
72. Tracks Trapper.
73. Coldilocks.
74. Tastier Cottage Cheese.
75. Lame Ice.
76. Sky Blotters.
77. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBEOyuTOxx8
78. Free Dreyer's Ice Cream!
79. Lice Lookalikes.
80. Mr. S.
81. Snow Mama.
82. White Snow Mob.
83. Sno.
84. I Can Believe It's Not Butter.
85. iSnow.
86. Junior High Cocaine (Good stuff, too, man).
87. Snow - BOOM Up All In Your Face!
88. Snow: Soundtrack Inspired by the Weather Phenomenon Snow
89. I should go outside and shovel...
90.
91.
92.
93. God, there's snow everywhere. Can't see shit...
94.
95.
96.
97. Fucking blizzard.
98.
99.
100. Help, I can't see shit!
Knock-Knock Jokes 2011
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Actually that "knock-knock" sound means I have a new instant message circa 2003.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Horton Hears A.
Horton Hears A who?
Actually it's pronounced Horton Hears a Who!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Knock-knock. Who's there? A little old lady.
Knock-knock. Who's there? A little old lady who?
That's my favorite knock-knock joke.
Who's there?
Actually that "knock-knock" sound means I have a new instant message circa 2003.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Horton Hears A.
Horton Hears A who?
Actually it's pronounced Horton Hears a Who!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Knock-knock. Who's there? A little old lady.
Knock-knock. Who's there? A little old lady who?
That's my favorite knock-knock joke.
Salad Jokes 2010: Yo Mama Salad Jokes
See Also: Salad Jokes
Yo mama is like a side salad: she's free with purchase of a steak dinner.
Yo mama is so loose, they named the crab salad after her.
Yo mama is so ugly, she makes lettuce wilt.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks chicken Caesar salad is made out of chicken, salad, and Caesar.
Yo mama loves salad so much, I walked into yo mama's bedroom and I saw her and salad dressing.
Yo mama is so ignorant, she walked into Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and ordered salad.
Yo mama is a salad.
Yo mama is like a side salad: she's free with purchase of a steak dinner.
Yo mama is so loose, they named the crab salad after her.
Yo mama is so ugly, she makes lettuce wilt.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks chicken Caesar salad is made out of chicken, salad, and Caesar.
Yo mama loves salad so much, I walked into yo mama's bedroom and I saw her and salad dressing.
Yo mama is so ignorant, she walked into Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and ordered salad.
Yo mama is a salad.
Salad Jokes 2010: Crouton Jokes
File Under: Salad Jokes
See Also: Scraping Bottom of the Barrel Jokes-Wise
What's the difference between a mothball and a ranch-flavored crouton?
One is disgusting to eat and the other repels moths.
A crouton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll be?" Crouton says, "I'll have a flat Budweiser, week-old pretzels, and a Combustible Edison CD." Bartender says, "Why?" Crouton says, "I'm a crouton. I prefer everything stale."
Why are crouton-makers popular in the food industry?
Because they work for bread crumbs.
Why do Americans like croutons?
It makes their salads taste more like a sandwich.
You know when you have too many croutons on your salad when...
...you mix up the salad and the lettuce says: "Aaah! Sunlight!"
...instead of a plate of salad, the buffet cashier charges you for a bowl of soup.
....the table orts feel slighted.
The Motley Croutons
The country club's holding a swanky summer salad, and it looks like Crumbs and Crust - aka the Motley Croutons - are crashing it.
Crust walks up to a leafy vegetable and says, "Where you from? You from Jersey?"
"Non," replies the vegetable. "I'm France's most popular vegetable, the endive, and I was raised here in America, in none other than the White House Victory Garden in Washington, D.C."
"Really?" says Crust. "What would a French vegetable know about victory?"
The endive walks away from Crust.
Crumbs spies a stately yellow female heirloom tomato. "You say 'tomato,'" Crumbs tells her, loosening his tie. "I say, 'Woof, woof.' No offense, you're alright."
"Why, I never," says the yellow heirloom.
"Looks like your grandfather did," says Crumbs. "With a yellow Crayola. Take it easy, you're alright. OK, everyone, let's party!"
This ticks off General Radish. "MOTLEY CRU-TONS!" he bellows.
See Also: Scraping Bottom of the Barrel Jokes-Wise
What's the difference between a mothball and a ranch-flavored crouton?
One is disgusting to eat and the other repels moths.
A crouton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll be?" Crouton says, "I'll have a flat Budweiser, week-old pretzels, and a Combustible Edison CD." Bartender says, "Why?" Crouton says, "I'm a crouton. I prefer everything stale."
Why are crouton-makers popular in the food industry?
Because they work for bread crumbs.
Why do Americans like croutons?
It makes their salads taste more like a sandwich.
You know when you have too many croutons on your salad when...
...you mix up the salad and the lettuce says: "Aaah! Sunlight!"
...instead of a plate of salad, the buffet cashier charges you for a bowl of soup.
....the table orts feel slighted.
The Motley Croutons
The country club's holding a swanky summer salad, and it looks like Crumbs and Crust - aka the Motley Croutons - are crashing it.
Crust walks up to a leafy vegetable and says, "Where you from? You from Jersey?"
"Non," replies the vegetable. "I'm France's most popular vegetable, the endive, and I was raised here in America, in none other than the White House Victory Garden in Washington, D.C."
"Really?" says Crust. "What would a French vegetable know about victory?"
The endive walks away from Crust.
Crumbs spies a stately yellow female heirloom tomato. "You say 'tomato,'" Crumbs tells her, loosening his tie. "I say, 'Woof, woof.' No offense, you're alright."
"Why, I never," says the yellow heirloom.
"Looks like your grandfather did," says Crumbs. "With a yellow Crayola. Take it easy, you're alright. OK, everyone, let's party!"
This ticks off General Radish. "MOTLEY CRU-TONS!" he bellows.
Mathematical Bar Jokes
Y=1/X is having a drink at the bar, when X=0 approaches and says, "Hey, how about you and me get together?" And Y=1/X says, "Never."
A drunk 43 has been sitting at the bar all day, harassing everyone. 43 turns to the bartender and says, "Make me a double." Bartender says, "That's it. You're eighty-sixed!"
A drunk 43 has been sitting at the bar all day, harassing everyone. 43 turns to the bartender and says, "Make me a double." Bartender says, "That's it. You're eighty-sixed!"
Rejected Rejection Letters
Congratulations.
You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this.
Signed,
University Dean
Dictated but not read
***
Dear John,
As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed.
Jane
***
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker.
Yours,
Editors of Atlantic Monthly
***
Thanks for meeting us about the position. We have decided at this time to select another candidate. We do appreciate the uplift in our office morale from your laughable presence and our ongoing animated discussions since thenforth.
***
Mike,
Thanks for another submission. You sure are prolific!! While the premise of rejected rejection letters does hold promise, it still seems a bit "head up the ass" and has no solid conclusion.
Editor, metahumorandmetajokes.com
You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this.
Signed,
University Dean
Dictated but not read
***
Dear John,
As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed.
Jane
***
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker.
Yours,
Editors of Atlantic Monthly
***
Thanks for meeting us about the position. We have decided at this time to select another candidate. We do appreciate the uplift in our office morale from your laughable presence and our ongoing animated discussions since thenforth.
***
Mike,
Thanks for another submission. You sure are prolific!! While the premise of rejected rejection letters does hold promise, it still seems a bit "head up the ass" and has no solid conclusion.
Editor, metahumorandmetajokes.com
Losing contestants of the Radio Quiz will receive:
Year's supply of radio wax.
Green tote bag that reads "Radio Quiz Loser."
Home version of radio quiz (AA batteries and radio not included).
11" ruler, from Irregulars Liquidators.
Dull-Point Brand No. 2 lead pencil.
Abridged dictionary.
Radio Quiz logo wristwatch.
A trio* of portable electronic devices from Radio Shack: nocturnal-powered calculator, Pocket Inside-Flush Poker Player, 5-Player Pocket Pong (4 friends not included).
A trio* of puzzle books: Silver Anniversary Sunday New York Times Omnibus of Fill-In Grids; Connect-the-Dots, Featuring Your Favorite Numbers From Sudoku Puzzles; Large-Print Word Searches.
Rejection letter for membership to public radio.
*Trio means "three."
Green tote bag that reads "Radio Quiz Loser."
Home version of radio quiz (AA batteries and radio not included).
11" ruler, from Irregulars Liquidators.
Dull-Point Brand No. 2 lead pencil.
Abridged dictionary.
Radio Quiz logo wristwatch.
A trio* of portable electronic devices from Radio Shack: nocturnal-powered calculator, Pocket Inside-Flush Poker Player, 5-Player Pocket Pong (4 friends not included).
A trio* of puzzle books: Silver Anniversary Sunday New York Times Omnibus of Fill-In Grids; Connect-the-Dots, Featuring Your Favorite Numbers From Sudoku Puzzles; Large-Print Word Searches.
Rejection letter for membership to public radio.
*Trio means "three."
Sarcastic Sidekick Sayings (Listed Alphabetically)
Awesome.Awesome?
Awesome!
Come to daddy.
Du-de.
Epic fail.
Fail.
Failski.
For reals?
In that case, you're not going to like this, but...
Is that, like, your final answer?
Let me Google that for you.
Needs more cowbell.
Not your night? Not your night!
Now you tell me.
That'll do it.
That looks like fun.
That's so money.
That's so Raven.
That's so wack.
Uh...what?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah, awesome. Yeah, awesome?
Yeah, awesome!
Yeah, come to daddy.
Yeah, du-de.
Yeah, epic fail.
Yeah, fail.
Yeah, failski.
Yeah, for reals?
Yeah, in that case, you're not going to like this, but...
Yeah, is that, like, your final answer?
Yeah, let me Google that for you.
Yeah, needs more cowbell.
Yeah, not your night? Not your night! Yeah, now you tell me.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, right!
Yeah, that'll do it.
Yeah, that looks like fun.
Yeah, that's so money.
Yeah, that's so Raven.
Yeah, that's so wack.
Yeah, uh...what?
Yeah, whee, we're all gonna die!
Yeah, whoo hoo!
Yeah, whuh-whoh.
Whee, we're all gonna die! Whoo hoo!
Whuh-whoh.
Yo, are you writing down everything I say?
Yo, do you take me as a shallow, alienated clown with no real sense of irony other than saying 'Zoinks, Scooby?'
Zoinks, Scooby!
Zzzz...wha?
0 to 60, baby.
Things to Do on a Budget
1. Talk about high gas prices.
2. Rent VHS over DVDs.
3. Rob local restaurants.
TIPS 4 through 10 available only to premium subscribers.
2. Rent VHS over DVDs.
3. Rob local restaurants.
TIPS 4 through 10 available only to premium subscribers.
Mayor Decrees Free Ice Cream for Denizens Who Missed the Torch Relay
San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom apologized for changing the Olympic torch run route, denying thousands of city residents and tourists the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. "Look, I'll make it up to you," said Newsom. "Free ice cream for everyone I burned!" Ice cream will be available all day today at Justin Herman Plaza. For real this time.
Apologies to News As Gossip.
Apologies to News As Gossip.
Support Our Advertisers, with Disclaimers
Sprite Scented Lemon Pledge DISCLAIMER: Not the same as Lemon Pledge Flavored Sprite.
Disney Princess Activity Book DISCLAIMER: Jasmine's a dude.
Western Dimension Internet Socks DISCLAIMER: 56k, no.
Nightmare on Elm Street boxset DISCLAIMER: Nightmare 2-5 suck.
American Gladiators on NBC DISCLAIMER: Good ratings may encourage Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling revival.
Beach Boys Live CD DISCLAIMER: High levels of Stamos.
Disney Princess Activity Book DISCLAIMER: Jasmine's a dude.
Western Dimension Internet Socks DISCLAIMER: 56k, no.
Nightmare on Elm Street boxset DISCLAIMER: Nightmare 2-5 suck.
American Gladiators on NBC DISCLAIMER: Good ratings may encourage Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling revival.
Beach Boys Live CD DISCLAIMER: High levels of Stamos.
Rejected Listeners' Questions for the NPR Radio Democratic Debate in Iowa, 12/4/07
This is the annoying guitar song about each candidate.
With my repetitive guitar strum, it's bound to surely grate.
One Democrat wants to win the state,
Other Senator thinks she's great.
It's time for the NPR Radio Debate!
Do you believe in this book? Finnigan's Wake by James Joyce?
Regarding capital punishment, what would Terry Gross do?
Salad Bar Jokes
File Under: Salad Jokes
A head of lettuce walks into a salad bar. Bartender says, "We got a garden outside named after you."
The head of lettuce says, "Really? You got a garden named 'Romaine?'"
A head of lettuce and a head of Chinese broccoli are sitting at a salad bar during happy hour. Suddenly the lettuce stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to me after you people bombed Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese broccoli says, "That wasn't the Chinese, that was the Japanese."
The lettuce says, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
A couple of minutes later, the broccoli stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to you after you people own all the banks."
The lettuce says, "That wasn't lettuce, that was the Jews."
The broccoli says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A 14" heterosexual cucumber accidently walks into a gay salad bar. A young studly tomato walks up to him and says, "Hey, sexy. Can I buy you a drink?" The cucumber gets uncomfortable and says, "What are you, some kind of fruit?"
A head of lettuce walks into a salad bar. Bartender says, "We got a garden outside named after you."
The head of lettuce says, "Really? You got a garden named 'Romaine?'"
A head of lettuce and a head of Chinese broccoli are sitting at a salad bar during happy hour. Suddenly the lettuce stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to me after you people bombed Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese broccoli says, "That wasn't the Chinese, that was the Japanese."
The lettuce says, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
A couple of minutes later, the broccoli stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to you after you people own all the banks."
The lettuce says, "That wasn't lettuce, that was the Jews."
The broccoli says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A 14" heterosexual cucumber accidently walks into a gay salad bar. A young studly tomato walks up to him and says, "Hey, sexy. Can I buy you a drink?" The cucumber gets uncomfortable and says, "What are you, some kind of fruit?"
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