Why is broccoli green?
So no one mistakes it for chocolate.
What's the best way to steam broccoli?
Talk loudly on your iPhone.
During principal photography on Thunderball, producer Albert R. "Cubby" Broccoli watched the dailies and grimaced.
"The action scenes are lackluster. The special effects are terrible," Broccoli yelled. "It doesn't even look like he's underwater. Sean Connery's phoning it in."
Director Terence Young corrected him. "Actually, sir, Sean is underwater. You can tell he's in over his head."
"That didn't stop him from starring in Macbeth," replied Broccoli.
by Mike Spiegelman
Rejected Rejection Letters
Congratulations.
You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this.
Signed,
University Dean
Dictated but not read
***
Dear John,
As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed.
Jane
***
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker.
Yours,
Editors of Atlantic Monthly
***
Thanks for meeting us about the position. We have decided at this time to select another candidate. We do appreciate the uplift in our office morale from your laughable presence and our ongoing animated discussions since thenforth.
***
Mike,
Thanks for another submission. You sure are prolific!! While the premise of rejected rejection letters does hold promise, it still seems a bit "head up the ass" and has no solid conclusion.
Editor, metahumorandmetajokes.com
You have been accepted to our academic instituation for the fall of...wait a minute, that's wrong. End dictation. [Inaudible] ...send this.
Signed,
University Dean
Dictated but not read
***
Dear John,
As the war wages on, I don't know how long I can go on without knowing if I'll ever see you again. Granted, neither of us are in the service, and last time we saw each other was this morning in bed.
Jane
***
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately we don't consider it up to the standards of the New Yorker.
Yours,
Editors of Atlantic Monthly
***
Thanks for meeting us about the position. We have decided at this time to select another candidate. We do appreciate the uplift in our office morale from your laughable presence and our ongoing animated discussions since thenforth.
***
Mike,
Thanks for another submission. You sure are prolific!! While the premise of rejected rejection letters does hold promise, it still seems a bit "head up the ass" and has no solid conclusion.
Editor, metahumorandmetajokes.com
Tom Swifties Salad Jokes 2009
File under: Salad Jokes.
See also: Tom Swifty jokes on Wikipedia.
"This salad genuinely complements my meal," Tom Swifty said organically.
"I'll have the Caesar salad," Tom said imperially.
"Artichoke salad should never be served grilled," said Tom cold-heartedly.
"That's crazy talk to say all I do is talk about radicchio," Tom said ridiculously.
"I nearly choked on this spicy ranch dressing," Tom said hoarsely.
"I spent all night deveining ribs of celery," said Tom, strung-out.
"I love to eat my salad rolled into a flour tortilla," Tom said raptly.
"All these vegetables grew from my compost pile," said Tom, full of shit.
"You can tell a four-star restaurant by the way the waiter serves the salad. Oh, hang on, that's my iPhone ringing. I need to answer that," Tom said rudely.
See also: Tom Swifty jokes on Wikipedia.
"This salad genuinely complements my meal," Tom Swifty said organically.
"I'll have the Caesar salad," Tom said imperially.
"Artichoke salad should never be served grilled," said Tom cold-heartedly.
"That's crazy talk to say all I do is talk about radicchio," Tom said ridiculously.
"I nearly choked on this spicy ranch dressing," Tom said hoarsely.
"I spent all night deveining ribs of celery," said Tom, strung-out.
"I love to eat my salad rolled into a flour tortilla," Tom said raptly.
"All these vegetables grew from my compost pile," said Tom, full of shit.
"You can tell a four-star restaurant by the way the waiter serves the salad. Oh, hang on, that's my iPhone ringing. I need to answer that," Tom said rudely.
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