by Mike Spiegelman
Things I Take for Granted
No one will bum my menthols.
No one has ever notified the police regarding an ongoing car alarm.
Television monitors in elevators do not air TV shows: just weather, news headlines, and local business information.
Submarines function better underwater.
The smoker at the bus stop is complaining about the bus being late.
That cell phone user on the bus: probably a jerk.
That new movie looks like ass.
Narnia doesn't exist in the IKEA showroom.
Women will mention that their boyfriends also like that.
The internet hates me.
No one has ever notified the police regarding an ongoing car alarm.
Television monitors in elevators do not air TV shows: just weather, news headlines, and local business information.
Submarines function better underwater.
The smoker at the bus stop is complaining about the bus being late.
That cell phone user on the bus: probably a jerk.
That new movie looks like ass.
Narnia doesn't exist in the IKEA showroom.
Women will mention that their boyfriends also like that.
The internet hates me.
Rip Van Winkle, America's First Comedian
Thank you, thank you..."What did I miss? What did I miss?"™ Now I know what you're thinking: what if Governor Peter Stuyvesant and a billy goat had a baby...and left him in the Appalachians for 20 years, by George! Speaking of King George the Third, seems like he's in the news today...no? Let's try some new material...[flips through notebook] Take my wife, please. That Dame Van Winkle is so loud, even Hendrick Hudson and the crew of the Half-Moon couldn't hear themselves play ninepins. I wouldn't say Dame Van Winkle got me henpecked, but she makes her money selling my manhood on eBay. Funny how I know about eBay and not General Washington. Fellas, ever wake up from an all-nighter only to find your rifle's rusted, your dog's missing, and your wife's dead? I'm gonna miss that dog. Drink up, makes the jokes funnier. Don't drink too much, take it from me. [Rimshot.] Hear that, the drummer's awake. I've been Rip Van Winkle, America's First Comedian. Peace to my dog, Wolf.
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