Things I Learned During My Hospital Stay


Doctors dislike being referred to as "Excuse me, Nurse?"

Candy Stripers: Not made of candy, nor are strippers.

To prevent thievery, replace your iPod with the less popular Zune.

When the nurse asks how you feel, don't reply, "Ain't nothing some morphine can't fix."

Lie. Tell them you have medical.

There's no more room for Jell-O.

Hospital gowns defeat the point of "Boxers or Briefs?" game.

It's never good when you hear the loudspeaker announce, "Paging Dr. Body Disposal."

Lab technicians and turntable technicians are not in the same industry.

Ocean Spray has a monopoly on American hospitals' single-serve cranberry juice packs.

Man, what happened to me?

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