Klatsman: You won't double-cross me?
Grimsley: No! Come on, step-bro! The lava's seeping through the basement!
Klatsman: No double-crossy dealie, then?
Klatsman throws over the suitcase. Grimsley pulls out a gun.
Grimsley: False alarm. Seems like the hot lava was just harmless magma. I'll be checking in my luggage now, if you don't mind.
Klatsman: You double-crossed me! And I never saw it coming. What would our parole officer think?
Grimsley: Ed? Let's just say he had an unfortunate trip at the volcano conservatory deck. He was head over heels over the magma exhibit. No mo' P.O.
Ed: More like: No mo' Mr. Nice Guy.
Enter Ed. Cover version of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" plays in background
Grimsley: But how?
Ed: Hand me the money.
Klatsman: But if Ed's alive, that means...
Female Bus Driver enters, holding a rapier.
Female Bus Driver: ...that the Pacific Princess wasn't in dry dock after all.
Klatsman: I thought you had to pilgrimage to Mecca?
Female Bus Driver: Travel plans cancelled. Now throw me our money or I'll stab you all.
Klatsman: Better do as she says, Grimsley.
Ed: Throw her the money already. Our hovercraft ascends in 20 minutes.
Grimsley: Easy come, easy go.
Grimsley throws suitcase to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: We got what we wanted. Let's roll.
Female Bus Driver: I want to say something ironic first.
Ed: Don't bother.
Female Bus Driver: Let me take a stab at it.
Female Bus Driver stabs Ed.
Female Bus Driver: This is for drowning my family.
We see from Ed's face that all the jigsaw pieces have fallen.
CUT TO: Sepia-toned flashbacks of key scenes from the movie superimposed over Ed as it all adds up. Key scenes:
At the post office, waiting in line as Ed overhears someone say, "Don't believe everything you see."
At Ed's parole office, Grimsley says, "I've banged all kinds of women: sharks, angels, bus drivers..."
At the Who concert, Ed checks a text message on his phone: GO 2 VOLCANO - KLATSMAN.
At table read, director tells actor portraying Ed: "Female Bus Driver will double-cross you."
At lake, Ed is drowning Female Bus Driver's family.
CUT BACK TO: Ext. Present day Vancouver posing as Brooklyn.
Ed: Wait a minute, I know you now. You're not an Alaskan bar-fly after all. You're the female bus driver!
Female Bus Driver: Next stop, Stab Street. Female Bus Driver fatally stabs parole officer.
Ed: Wait, you're reciting your stage directions...while killing...me...
Female Bus Driver: How ironic.
Ed dies. Female Bus Driver takes Ed's gun and shoots Klatsman and Grimsley.
End credits. Thirty seconds in, cut to this startling scene:
Klatsman stand up and removes bullet-proof vest. Klatsman walks up to Female Bus Driver and the two passionately kiss.
Klatsman: Think we fooled them?
End credits resume.
End credits finish.
Female Bus Driver shoots Klatsman. Ed walks up to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: Nice shot.
Ed takes the suitcase and Female Bus Driver and Ed walk off.