Family Restaurant Menu, Part 10: Non-Alcoholic Beverages

Coke $1.00
Pepsi $2.25
RC Cola $0.80
RC Cola for Hipsters $1.85
Colas available in classic, new, diet, light, blue, crystal, jazz, lemon, ice, diet lemon, diet light, cherry, wild cherry, vanilla, mild vanilla, Kosher, Blak, tamarind, holiday blend, white, extreme, twist, caffeine-free, or zero.

Mountain Dew $1.25
Mountain Dew Voltage $1.25
Mountain Dew SuperNova $1.25
Mountain Dew Revolution $1.25
Mountain Dew Live Wire $1.25
Mountain Dew Baja Blast $1.25
Mountain Dew Code Red $1.25
Mountain Dew Typhoon $1.25
Mountain Dew Distortion $1.25
Mountain Dew White Out $1.25
Diet Mountain Dew $1.25.
Vote for your favorite Mountain Dew flavor at
Sample vote: Shit's nasty.

Dr Pepper's By Appt Only
Mr. Pibbs $2.00
Mrs. Pathmark $0.85

Red Bull $4.00
Red Bull Knock-Off $3.00
Red Bull Knock-Off Cherry Fruit Punch Extreme $2.75
Limit 3 per teenager.

7Up $1.25
Sprite $1.75
Sierra Mist Free
Kroger's Lemon Lime Breeze $0.85

Soda Fountain Favorites, Served to You by an Actual Jerk!
Orange Soda $1.25
Grape Soda $1.25
Strawberry Soda $1.25
Blue Soda $1.25
Tamarind Soda $1.25
Root Beer $3.50
Birch Beer $3.50
Stick Beer $3.50
Cream Soda $3.50
Celery Soda $3.50
Stick Soda $3.50

Vernors Ginger Ale $1.25
Piggly Wiggly Brand Sarsaparilla $1.25
Moxie $0.05
Faygo Red Pop $0.25
Squirt $1.25
Fresca Seasonal

Club Soda $1.00
Tonic Water $1.00
Seltzer $1.00
Neat Free
Canada Dry Ginger Ale $0.15
Schweppes Ginger Ale $2.25
Bartender Ginger Ale $1.00
Our bartender personally grabs the soda gun and squirts club soda, Sprite, and a splash of Coke into an iced glass. Served delusionally.

Juice Bar
Check out our menu's Breakfast Section for fruit drinks, coffee, and cow milk.

Coolers and Ades
Homemade Lemonade $0.25
Iced Tea $1.00
Iced Coffee $1.00
Old Coffee $0.75

Agua Frecas
Unripe Melon $2.25
Syrupy Strawberry $2.25
Burnt Rice Horchata $2.25

And now, a personal memo from Mr. Henry Sommers, Senior Middle Manager for this family restaurant franchise:

Hey. In the restaurant industry, there's a dirty secret about the water we serve and it has nothing to do with junk dunking. It's called upselling and you can read more about it at double u double u double u dot ee en dot wikipedia dot org slash wiki slash upselling. Our industry trains staff to upsell every item. Remember when you ordered French fries, and your waiter asked if you preferred curly fries, chili fries or gold fries instead? Upselling. What about that yelling match about adding cheese to your hamburger? Upselling. Or the time you cut yourself and started to bleed and you asked your waiter for an adhesive bandage and he said, "How about a Band-Aid?" That's upselling, too!

We won't taunt you over your meal choices, especially when it comes to drinks. Don't feel too embarrassed or too poor to ask us:

"Can I have a glass of water?"

Our answer is a straightforward "yes." We won't make assumptions about your income or religion. We will always serve you the free albeit probably polluted water you want without passive-aggressively mentioning the pollution part. And we won't pander and lie to you based on gender. As a woman, I personally guarantee it.

Anyway, this family restuarant franchise only serves tap water. We'd like to credit this move to recent trends, but it's really that, thanks to the recession, we can't afford to stock bottled water.

Make sure to fill out our water survey before you leave. And tipping is traditionally twenty percent -- but you already knew that.

Mr. Henry Sommers

P.S. Don't order the Bartender Ginger Ale. Shit's nasty.

Solutions to off-the-menu lunch menu:

BLT/F: If the tomato is telling the truth, tomato must be lying, but if tomato's lying, tomato can't be telling the truth, ergo tomato doesn't exist.

Poo Poo Platter Puzzle solution: No problem was presented.

1 comment:

Dean said...

This blog is makin' me thirsty...