New Drinking Game. You Gotta Drink When...

...you laugh at SpongeBob SquarePants.

...NPR's Fresh Air with Terry Gross reviews another show on HBO.

...people complaining about a baby on an airplane are louder than the actual baby.

...you wake up late for work.

...a school bus has the right of way.

...Penny Marshall has more speaking lines than you do (Cindy Williams only).

...your sneakers start making squeaking noises.

...Helen Thomas won't leave you alone.

...Borscht Belt comedians tell the set-ups in English and the punchlines in Yiddish.

...anytime you flick a booger in the urinal while peeing (men only).

...someone has to go through the air duct.

...a sudoku puzzle has a scarcity of the number 9.

...you leave the assassination game but get sucked back in for one more mission and your boss double-crosses you and frames you for a crime you did not commit.

...you turn 21.

Safe Safety Tips

When it's time for safety, remember to play it safe. Too little safety can lead to serious, not-to-laugh-at health problems, like runny diarrhea. Be sure to be safe and you can enjoy safety safely.

Never leave yourself in a hot parked car, especially if you're a baby or a puppy.

Remember to breathe regularly. Check your pulse if you're not breathing to see if you're in fact dead.

Teach kids to read. This will prevent them from stabbing you in the future.

If it's yellow, keep it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down. If it stinks, use the sink.

To avoid city cyclists, don't walk on the sidewalk. Walk somewhere bicyclists avoid, such as the bike lane or street.

Caped crusading should be left to professionals.

Steer clear of scams like "Who Can Punch the Lightest?" and "52 Card Pick-Up" contests.

When traveling as a salesman and spending the night at a farm, do not stick your privates into the three holes in the barn wall.

Policemen and firemen should not trust each other. Remember: red and blue don't mix.

Try to avoid using big words with friends. Using big words incorrectly results in superfluous schadenfreude.

Salad Jokes 2008: Waldorf Salad Jokes

File under: Salad Jokes

Why did the Waldorf salad insist on being served with exactly 27 napkins facing north?
Because the salad is a little nutty.

What did the apples say to the celery?
"Stop stalking me!"

What do you call a hotel best known for its salad?
Not very good.

What's the difference between a fruit salad and a Waldorf salad?
The lettuce.

A man walks into the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel and orders a Waldorf salad, but with crackers. The waiter says, "Crackers? Where do you think you are, the Ritz?"

A man walks into the Ritz Hotel and orders a Waldorf salad. The waiter tells him he's in the wrong hotel and that that salad is at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel down the street. The man insists, so the waiter begrudgingly enters the kitchen and informs the chef. The chef gets so angry that he makes the salad, but instead of preparing a dressing of fresh dill, tarragon, and mayo, he pisses all over the salad. The waiter takes the plate and gives to the customer, who eats it all. Afterward, the waiter comes up to him and asks him how it was. "It was very good," said the man. "But tell the chef to lay off the asparagus."

Continuation of Previous Bit: Follow-up Discussion for City Kids

1. What is the tone of the safety tips? Is it objective or are there ulterior motives? Give three other examples of an unreliable narrator.

2. What is implied about urban living? Compare and contrast this to your parents' suburban upraising.

3. What is the theme of the safety tips?
A. Holidays happen all the time.
B. Always wear protection.
C. If they talk funny, they just might be terrorists.
D. Warm beer is also known as "skank beer."
E. No one knew what a hipster was until Adbusters ran a cover story about them.
F. All of the above.

Extra Credit (use back of paper if necessary):

What is your PIN code?

Holiday Safety Tips for City Kids

Holiday Trees
Many city denizens illegally discard holiday trees on street corners. If lit on fire, the trees will rapidly be engulfed in an intense white flame, which will quickly extinguish itself. It is for this reason that one should always ignite the tree during peak hours so more people can witness it.

Fireworks
Don't call attention to noisy fireworks. Only light them in the most run-down parts of the city. Neighbors will mistake them for gunfire.

Egg Hunts
When hunting for eggs in public parks, be sure it's only during Easter.

Fashion
Don't wear white clothing after Labor Day. Also, avoid gang colors.