I/E. DETECTIVE’S CAR - DAY
DECTECTIVE drives slowly to the curb. Camera pans to his iPod playing David Bowie. He walks out to pensively think, when, like, all of a sudden, a car hits him and he fall to the ground unconscious.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
DETECTIVE snaps to and stands up. He can hear Bowie inside his car. He looks inside, but something's amiss. His iPod has been replaced by an 8-track player, popular in the '70s. He looks at his clothes; his attire, too, looks popular in the '70s. A PASSERBY passes by.
DETECTIVE
Where am I? Watcha do with it?
PASSERBY
With what?
DETECTIVE grabs PASSERBY by his oversized collar.
DETECTIVE
My iPod! It was just in my car and now someone has replaced it with an 8-track!
DETECTIVE pushes PASSERBY to the ground.
PASSERBY
Aaay, sit on it!
DETECTIVE approaches a COP dressed like a '70s cop.
COP (Irish)
You OK, buddy?
DETECTIVE
Where's my iPOD? I know it's last gen, but all my tunes are on it.
by Mike Spiegelman
Signs on Store Windows I Hate When I Walk Home Drunk
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service. Well, maybe if you didn't name your bar "Club Ibiza" I would put my clothes back on. You're never been to Ibiza, you know Ibiza? I've been there. Don't tell me what to do.
Clothes on Mannequins Not For Sale. I didn't get the bulletin from Used Clothes Hipster Central, but isn't the whole point of a store window to sell what's displayed? Your logic is killing my buzz. Get out of my brain!
Respect Our Neighborhood Now it's "our" neighborhood because all of a sudden your patrons are loud peeing guys from that part of town, you're better than them? This is my neighborhood, too, and your sign should read "Respect Your Neighborhood." OK, I'm not from here, OK. I'm not a yeller, you're a yeller.
UPS NO. What do you have against UPS? So it's like that, huh?
Do Not Take Laundry Carts Outside Laundromat. Oh no, please don't rock the boat, gotta be a conformist and think inside the box and keep the cart indoors. What if the cart was outside, management gonna be like oh no, please don't rock the boat and stuff. Don't rock the boat, laundromat.
Clothes on Mannequins Not For Sale. I didn't get the bulletin from Used Clothes Hipster Central, but isn't the whole point of a store window to sell what's displayed? Your logic is killing my buzz. Get out of my brain!
Respect Our Neighborhood Now it's "our" neighborhood because all of a sudden your patrons are loud peeing guys from that part of town, you're better than them? This is my neighborhood, too, and your sign should read "Respect Your Neighborhood." OK, I'm not from here, OK. I'm not a yeller, you're a yeller.
UPS NO. What do you have against UPS? So it's like that, huh?
Do Not Take Laundry Carts Outside Laundromat. Oh no, please don't rock the boat, gotta be a conformist and think inside the box and keep the cart indoors. What if the cart was outside, management gonna be like oh no, please don't rock the boat and stuff. Don't rock the boat, laundromat.
Features Not Found in Demo Version of Video Computer Game
All levels unlocked, except for Level OT IV
All weapons unlocked, including "gun"
10-minute cut scenes now skippable
Access to the "X" button
3D graphics
Online voice chat with salty 12-year-olds
Game-crashing bug removed
Full-frontal nudity
References to John McCain scrubbed from storyline
All weapons unlocked, including "gun"
10-minute cut scenes now skippable
Access to the "X" button
3D graphics
Online voice chat with salty 12-year-olds
Game-crashing bug removed
Full-frontal nudity
References to John McCain scrubbed from storyline
The Final Scene From My Screenplay, a Neo Noir Thriller With a Twist Ending
Grimsley: There's not a moment to lose. Throw me the money!
Klatsman: You won't double-cross me?
Grimsley: No! Come on, step-bro! The lava's seeping through the basement!
Klatsman: No double-crossy dealie, then?
Grimsley: Lava!
Klatsman throws over the suitcase. Grimsley pulls out a gun.
Grimsley: False alarm. Seems like the hot lava was just harmless magma. I'll be checking in my luggage now, if you don't mind.
Klatsman: You double-crossed me! And I never saw it coming. What would our parole officer think?
Grimsley: Ed? Let's just say he had an unfortunate trip at the volcano conservatory deck. He was head over heels over the magma exhibit. No mo' P.O.
Ed: More like: No mo' Mr. Nice Guy.
Enter Ed. Cover version of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" plays in background
Grimsley: But how?
Ed: Hand me the money.
Klatsman: But if Ed's alive, that means...
Female Bus Driver enters, holding a rapier.
Female Bus Driver: ...that the Pacific Princess wasn't in dry dock after all.
Klatsman: I thought you had to pilgrimage to Mecca?
Female Bus Driver: Travel plans cancelled. Now throw me our money or I'll stab you all.
Klatsman: Better do as she says, Grimsley.
Ed: Throw her the money already. Our hovercraft ascends in 20 minutes.
Grimsley: Easy come, easy go.
Grimsley throws suitcase to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: We got what we wanted. Let's roll.
Female Bus Driver: I want to say something ironic first.
Ed: Don't bother.
Female Bus Driver: Let me take a stab at it.
Female Bus Driver stabs Ed.
Ed: Why?
Female Bus Driver: This is for drowning my family.
We see from Ed's face that all the jigsaw pieces have fallen.
CUT TO: Sepia-toned flashbacks of key scenes from the movie superimposed over Ed as it all adds up. Key scenes:
CUT BACK TO: Ext. Present day Vancouver posing as Brooklyn.
Ed: Wait a minute, I know you now. You're not an Alaskan bar-fly after all. You're the female bus driver!
Female Bus Driver: Next stop, Stab Street. Female Bus Driver fatally stabs parole officer.
Ed: Wait, you're reciting your stage directions...while killing...me...
Female Bus Driver: How ironic.
Ed dies. Female Bus Driver takes Ed's gun and shoots Klatsman and Grimsley.
End credits. Thirty seconds in, cut to this startling scene:
Klatsman stand up and removes bullet-proof vest. Klatsman walks up to Female Bus Driver and the two passionately kiss.
Klatsman: Think we fooled them?
End credits resume.
End credits finish.
CUT TO:
Female Bus Driver shoots Klatsman. Ed walks up to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: Nice shot.
Ed takes the suitcase and Female Bus Driver and Ed walk off.
Klatsman: You won't double-cross me?
Grimsley: No! Come on, step-bro! The lava's seeping through the basement!
Klatsman: No double-crossy dealie, then?
Grimsley: Lava!
Klatsman throws over the suitcase. Grimsley pulls out a gun.
Grimsley: False alarm. Seems like the hot lava was just harmless magma. I'll be checking in my luggage now, if you don't mind.
Klatsman: You double-crossed me! And I never saw it coming. What would our parole officer think?
Grimsley: Ed? Let's just say he had an unfortunate trip at the volcano conservatory deck. He was head over heels over the magma exhibit. No mo' P.O.
Ed: More like: No mo' Mr. Nice Guy.
Enter Ed. Cover version of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" plays in background
Grimsley: But how?
Ed: Hand me the money.
Klatsman: But if Ed's alive, that means...
Female Bus Driver enters, holding a rapier.
Female Bus Driver: ...that the Pacific Princess wasn't in dry dock after all.
Klatsman: I thought you had to pilgrimage to Mecca?
Female Bus Driver: Travel plans cancelled. Now throw me our money or I'll stab you all.
Klatsman: Better do as she says, Grimsley.
Ed: Throw her the money already. Our hovercraft ascends in 20 minutes.
Grimsley: Easy come, easy go.
Grimsley throws suitcase to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: We got what we wanted. Let's roll.
Female Bus Driver: I want to say something ironic first.
Ed: Don't bother.
Female Bus Driver: Let me take a stab at it.
Female Bus Driver stabs Ed.
Ed: Why?
Female Bus Driver: This is for drowning my family.
We see from Ed's face that all the jigsaw pieces have fallen.
CUT TO: Sepia-toned flashbacks of key scenes from the movie superimposed over Ed as it all adds up. Key scenes:
At the post office, waiting in line as Ed overhears someone say, "Don't believe everything you see."
At Ed's parole office, Grimsley says, "I've banged all kinds of women: sharks, angels, bus drivers..."
At the Who concert, Ed checks a text message on his phone: GO 2 VOLCANO - KLATSMAN.
At table read, director tells actor portraying Ed: "Female Bus Driver will double-cross you."
At lake, Ed is drowning Female Bus Driver's family.
CUT BACK TO: Ext. Present day Vancouver posing as Brooklyn.
Ed: Wait a minute, I know you now. You're not an Alaskan bar-fly after all. You're the female bus driver!
Female Bus Driver: Next stop, Stab Street. Female Bus Driver fatally stabs parole officer.
Ed: Wait, you're reciting your stage directions...while killing...me...
Female Bus Driver: How ironic.
Ed dies. Female Bus Driver takes Ed's gun and shoots Klatsman and Grimsley.
End credits. Thirty seconds in, cut to this startling scene:
Klatsman stand up and removes bullet-proof vest. Klatsman walks up to Female Bus Driver and the two passionately kiss.
Klatsman: Think we fooled them?
End credits resume.
End credits finish.
CUT TO:
Female Bus Driver shoots Klatsman. Ed walks up to Female Bus Driver.
Ed: Nice shot.
Ed takes the suitcase and Female Bus Driver and Ed walk off.
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