Spam Correspondence Addressed to United States Presidents

Cross-blogged at Library of Congress and Smithsonian Institution.

To: Chester Arthur
From: Bob Parade
Subject: How To Become Very Wealthy Without Anyone Knowing

To: John Adams
From: UP all N1te
Subject: Your instrument will stay on duty when you need that.

To: Richard Nixon
From: Square Trader
Subject: Need to send big email campaign? We can help!

To: William J. Clinton
From: Lacey Waternaught
Subject: HighEnd HighQuality Watch&HandBag Knock-0ffs?

To: Zachary Taylor
From: Midred Chublander
Subject: Lets Chat Tonight?

To: John Quincy Adams
From: Van Midsection
Subject: I got you a job

To: Grover Cleveland
From: Snuggie As Seen On MSNBC
Subject: Wear your blanket

To: James Buchanan
From: bookings@spiegelmania.com
Subject: Improve Your Coffeemaker Peni.s Save on Printer ink

To: George Washington
From: Manic Abertsons
Subject: I found you a new job

To: William McKinley
From: Menu Langsport, Jr.
Subject: website design service - we have not received any reply yet.

To: Barack H. Obama
From: Louis Hammer
Subject: 100mg x 30 pills

To: John Tyler
From: michaelkeaton@aol.com
Subject: Your dad would love this watch

To: James Madison
From: Guy Dudeman
Subject: Re: Hello

To: Calvin Coolidge
From: Sand Monster 6
Subject: Re: Hello

To: Rutherford B. Hayes
From: Gr0w McDonald
Subject: Re: Hi

To: George W. Bush
From: Michael J. Burgertime
Subject: Lets Chat Tonight?

To: Gerald Ford
From: Sandwich Rourke
Subject: Increase Your Sexual Preformances
?

To: Benjamin Harrison
From: Tubby Van Gobot
Subject: Recommended on all Mens' Magazines?

To: Harry S Truman
From: Singed Hairballbee
Subject: WORK AT HOME: BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY: HOW TO SUCCEED?

To: Woodrow Wilson
From: Sonic H. Edgehog
Subject: 24 Hour Prescription call in service. What you will need !?

To: Lyndon Johnson
From: professorscott@mit.edu
Subject: Profits & Value: Join the Program!?

To: William Howard Taft
From: Pavilion Racehorse
Subject: Re: Hello

To: George H. W. Bush
From: James "Radio" Kennedy
Subject: Re: Hello

To: William Henry Harrison
From: Sigmund Uppercut
Subject: Bob Proctor and John Assaraf on Ellen Degeneres?

To: Calvin Coolidge
From: SAVE PRINTER INK
Subject: Earn Your Nursing Degree Today

To: Warren Harding
From: Criminal Justice Degree
Subject: Watch TV from around the world on your computer

To: Zachary Taylor
From: Simon Logenfield
Subject: Loan modification saves your home

To: George H. W. Bush
From: Instructions On Watching Televis
Subject: If you stick to a diet, your extra weight will come back like a boomerang.

To: Martin Van Buren
From: Peter Denver
Subject: How many sites have you posted your resume on?

To: Ulysses S. Grant
From: Charlotte Intermind
Subject: re: your photo

To: Andrew Jackson
From: David Hanley
Subject: If you stick to a diet, your extra weight will come back l

To: Theodore Roosevelt
From: Shrimp Muncher
Subject: eBay users need to check out

To: Ronald Reagan
From: Secret Meat Weapon
Subject: Instantly boost your website's traffic?

To: James Monroe
From: Lunch Counter
Subject: 12 Hour Prescription call in service

To: Abraham Lincoln
From: Shepard Wallace
Subject: How To Become Very Rich Without Anyone Knowing?

To: William Howard Taft
From: Rigid Member
Subject: You have made $300? - Ever heard of the eBay ca$h machine ?

To: Richard Nixon
From: fhowrd@hallmarknetwork.net
Subject: Dearest Uncle,?

To: Franklin D. Roosevelt
From: Sanka Building
Subject: New Private Community Giving You A Residual Income!?

To: Franklin Pierce
From: Ink Toner
Subject: Support Obama, buying from us Drink Space Shuttle?

To: Andrew Jackson
From: Dottie Marchecker
Subject: 24 Hour Prescription call in. Doctors are available by phone

To: James Carter
From: Meathook Wilkensen
Subject: Shoppers don't miss this $500 Shopping Gift Card

To: Martin Van Buren
From: Tony Takeapenny
Subject: This is New!

To: Theodore Roosevelt
From: debbienospam@mit.edu
Subject: Make up to $500 per day, working less than one hour per day

To: Thomas Jefferson
From: Clemintine the 3rd
Subject: divert 1000s of fresh new visitors daily to Your web site?

To: James Garfield
From: Pills Aplenty
Subject: Garfield, **Second Chance** Enjoy Popular Science Digital

To: John F. Kennedy
From: Make her Smi1e
Subject: Re: Hello

To: Dwight D. Eisenhower
From: Upperton Middleberry
Subject: Message Aleert - You Have 1 Important Unread Message

To: James Knox Polk
From: Ivan Van Eye
Subject: How to get free quality visitors to your website?

To: Millard Fillmore
From: Instructions on Watching Telev
Subject: Update Your Billing Records

To: Calvin Coolidge
From: Mike Check
Subject: Loan modification saves your home

To: Andrew Johnson
From: Salty Robocar
Subject: Make $75 per online survey?

To: Woodrow Wilson
From: Christian Dating
Subject: New Private Community Giving Residual Income to You !?

To: Dwight D. Eisenhower
From: Dr. Steamy
Subject: Vi@gra (Sildenafil) 100mg x 60 pills US $ 2.17 Per Pill

To: Herbert Hoover
From: Debbie Pulpman
Subject: Causing an Erection

To: Chelsea Clinton
From: Angel_Haplin
Subject: Firms Must Prepare to Become Mandatory Reporting Standard

Luggage Tuesdays Cookbook: In a Pinch

Can't find it in your pantry? Try these fast substitutions for all your recipe ingredients:

Missing: salt.
Substitute with: artificial sweeteners.

Missing: freshly ground black peppercorns.
Substitute with: freshly ground red peppercorns. Lie to your guests.

Missing: unsweetened chocolate.
Substitute with: gummed-up semi-sweet chocolate.

Missing: oleo.
Substitute with: butter.

Missing: sour cream.
Substitute with: homemade fresh cream.

Missing: eggs.
Substitute with: YolkSoy (for egg yolks), SoyWhites (egg whites), ShellSoy (egg shells).

Missing: Betty Crocker® Bac~Os® Bits and Chips.
Substitute with: bacon.

Missing: cake flour.
Substitute with: all purpose flour combined with a tablespoon of corn starch; stale cake orts.

Missing: salad.
Substitute with: French fries.

Missing: corn starch.
Substitute with: Oh my God. No corn starch? You are screwed.

Missing: cooking.
Substitute with: pizza.

Endings to Mystery Novels Written by Moonlighting Children's Book Authors

Where's Wildo?

...Wildo is behind the coconut tree next to the French sailor below the steampunk robot.

Goodnight Mystery

...Goodnight mystery reader. Goodnight mystery novel. Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight already.

Dictionary Poodle and the Case of the Missing Blueberry Pie

..."Peter Pit Bull, you ate the last blueberry pie!" barked Dictionary Poodle.

"What's your proof?" woofed Peter Pit Pull.

Do you know the solution?

Answer: Peter Pit Bull's teeth were blue from the blueberries. Plus his butt smelled like blueberries.

"You got me," howled Peter Pit Bull. "Goodnight, Dictionary Poodle."

"Goodnight," yelped Dictionary Poodle.

Welcome to Your Public Park

Open dawn to dusk, or 6PM, whatever comes first.
Closed during the midnight sun.

To keep this park presentable, the following is
NOT ALLOWED:

...Smoking.
...Alcoholic beverages.
...Treasure hunting.
...Loitering in park.
...Bathing in the public rest-rooms. We don't piss in your pool, so don't swim in our toilets.
...Skateboards (except service and companion boards).
...Feeding animals.
...Eating animals.
...Adultery.
...Drum circles or dude with drums.
...Horseplay.
...Sports.
...Roller-skating without music.
...Suicides near family picnics, and vice-versa.
...Talking in sleep (park benches only).
...Roughhousing.
...Kite-flying.
...Fireworks.
...Snowball fights.
...Jogging.

Bicycling restricted to designated bike lane and parking lot.

For safety reasons, no children are permitted in the park.

Luggage Tuesdays Cookbook: About Our Recipes

All recipes have been tasted by staff or Boomer the Test Dog.

Serving portions suggested for Americans.

Dry ingredients are measured by weight, liquids measured by volume, and smoke measured by plumes.

Garnishes are for entertainment purposes only. Do not eat garnishes.

Whenever possible, add salt or caramel.

If recipe fails, dose meal with Tabasco sauce. If dessert fails, pour caramel on it.

Stop saying the words "flavor" and "flavortown." Restrain from yelling "BAM!"

Stocks and broths do not constitute a meal unless something is cooked in it first.

Substitute condensed milk for whole milk when baking. Survivalists can use evaporated milk.

It is not federal law to "kiss the cook."

Plug: See Luggage Tuesdays live Friday Febraury 6th

3 comedic solo perfomances. Mike Spiegelman performs material from Luggage Tuesdays, Harmon Leon performs material from his site, and also Colin Mahan in Bitz! Info.

Unpopular Clown Names

Joker Henchman #2

P.E.T.A. the Anti-Rodeo Clown

John Wayne Gacy (no relation)