Hack List June 2013

Here's what's hacky last month:

• Unsalted caramel, or, worse, caramel salted with ionized salt.
• Elist typewriter hipsters. "I type on a typewriter. No red wavy line under my misspellings. I look at Facebook on my phone."
• Best of Hack List 2012

Topical JK Rowling Jokes

It was just revealed that JK Rowling wrote a crime novel under the name Robert Galbraith. The giveaway was the title, M is For Muggle.

Another giveaway was that the killer worked the Warner Brothers Accounting Department.

The blurb on the back of the book read: "Excellent. Some of my finest work." - JK Rowling

I knew JK Rowling was Robert Galbraith when I went to a Robert Galbraith signing and JK Rowling was there.

 One other giveaway that crime novelist Robert Galbraith was actually JK Rowling was Robert Galbraith's author photo:

[Recycled Twitter Posts via Twitter and Witstream]

Hanging With My Tweeps 27: @SammyObied, Morning of Night 932

Bay Area comedian Sammy Obied performs every night. I mean, every single night. He broke the world's record of two consecutive years last Christmas night (at my room, btw) and now his goal is 1,001 consecutive nights of performing. We caught up with Sammy on the morning after Night 931. We meet and greet, then tweet #ReplaceAWordInAMovieWithTampon jokes.

Samuel Morse's first message: -.-- / --- / .-.. / ---

An Introduction to Morse Code

Invented by Samuel F. B. Morse as a simple way to contact your mistress without Mrs. Morse knowing, Morse Code converts letters into combinations of the sounds "dits" ("dots") and dahs ("dashes") and is popular among sinking ships, the Boy Scouts of America, and run-on sentences. The most famous Morse code transmission is SOS (Save Our Shit). Learning Morse Code is as simple as dit dah, dah dit dit dit, dah dit dah dit. To learn more about Morse Code, visit our website at Luggage Tuesdays dit com.

Most Popular Morse Code joke (translated into English by the author)
Comedic beats are equivalent to the length of three dits or one dah.

Pete Transmission and RePete Transmission are on a boat. Pete Transmission fell off. Who remained?
RePete Transmission.
Pete Transmission and RePete Transmission are on a boat. Pete Transmission fell off. Who remained?

Least Popular Morse Code joke
Why did Samuel Morse take his telegraph to the mechanic? Because it had a bad transmission.

Hanging With My Tweeps 26: @TheJasonMack

Whereas, Bay Area comedian and "Real Live Comedians" mastermind Jason Mack makes me laugh hard over one tweet.

Hanging With My Tweeps 25: #WorstLies with Shanti Charan

Bay Area comedian Shanti Charan is one of my favorite comedians, and it's a pleasure to have her on Hanging.

(Comedy wonks will be the only ones interested in our response to a performer's anger over getting the light while bombing.)

Time Traveler Jokes

Knock Knock.

Timeloop who?

Timloop.

Who's there?

A time traveler walks into Lucky's Bar, sees Lucky out of sorts.

Time traveler says, "What's the matter?"

The bartender says, "I'm depressed. Sure can go for a joke right now to lift my spirits. Know any?"

"A joke?" says the time traveler. "About what?"

"Anything to cheer me up. Something about this bar, for instance. I don't know. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a time traveler."

Lucky says, "Then how about, 'A time traveler walks into a bar...'"

"And?" asks the time traveler.

"That's a start of a joke. 'A time traveler walks into a bar.' Surely you can finish it."

"Hmmm, a time traveler walks into a bar. A time traveler walks in a bar."

He thinks out the possible angles, the conflicts, the absurdities, puns, but it was no use. By closing time, the time traveler tells the bartender he couldn't think it of a suitable joke. 

"That's too bad," goes Lucky. "I could had used a good laugh tonight."

This haunts the time traveler so much. He stays up the remaining night and early morning until he came up a decent joke about a time traveler walking into a bar. He really wanted to tell the bartender, but thought it was be even more special to tell Lucky the night before, so the time traveler steps into his time machine, sets it to one night ago at the bar, and presses start. 

The machine arrives to the designation, the time traveler steps outside steps into primordial ooze.

"This is the location of Lucky's Bar, but not the year." says the time traveler.

"Who are you?" says some protozoa. "You sure are funny looking."

"Funny? That reminds me of a joke. A time traveler walks into a bar."

The protozoa say, "Too soon! Too soon!" 

How many time travelers does it four it's always four take to screw in a light bulb?

Why did the time traveler throw a stick of butter out the window?
Wait a minute, what the hell is there a time traveler doing in our kitchen?

Two time travelers meets up in time flux.
One says to the other. "Who was that woman I saw you with last night?"
The other one says, "That was no woman, that was my wife."
- Joke submitted by Audrey Niffenegger.

(Graphic: Microsoft Clip Art)