Garlic Jokes

A man walks into a produce store. He looks for an employee but doesn't find anyone. Desperately, he approaches a pile of garlic. "Do you work here?" he asks the pile. The garlic bulbs respond, "No, we're cloves." The man says, "But your sign says you're open."

How to make garlic toast: lift your flute and recall garlic's many accomplishments.

— Mike Spiegelman (@Spiegelmania) March 2, 2015

How to roast garlic:
Rent a hall, invite guests to dinner honoring garlic, hire band, hire comedians, approach dias, face audience, lift champagne flute, and then profanely mock garlic's accomplishments.

Record Store Clerk Jokes

Customer: I want a refund for this music cassette!

Record Store Clerk: 8-track?

Customer: Hated all of them!

Customer: I want a full refund for this rock album!

Record Store Clerk: Nickelback?

Customer: No, the full amount!

Record Store Clerk: Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I'd like to return this DVD copy of the 1957 film The Pied Piper of Hamelin.

Record Store Clerk: What's the trouble?

Customer: Keeps skipping.

Customer: I'd like to return this Radiohead "Kid A" CD. It doesn't hold water.

Record Store Clerk: It may sound slight on first listen but give it a couple more tries and the songs will get in your head.

Customer: No, I mean as a coaster, it doesn't hold water. Water seeped right onto the table and left a ring.

Record Store Clerk: Can I help you?

Customer: I want to return this limited edition hand-pressed double seven inch vinyl 45 single in a double gated sleeve, signed by the artist.

Record Store Clerk: Why do you want to return it?

Customer: I don't have a record player.

Record Store Clerk: Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, you sucked in High Fidelity.


Graphic: Microsoft Clip Art. Two jokes originally appeared on Twitter and Witstream.

Topical JK Rowling Jokes

It was just revealed that JK Rowling wrote a crime novel under the name Robert Galbraith. The giveaway was the title, M is For Muggle.

Another giveaway was that the killer worked the Warner Brothers Accounting Department.

The blurb on the back of the book read: "Excellent. Some of my finest work." - JK Rowling

I knew JK Rowling was Robert Galbraith when I went to a Robert Galbraith signing and JK Rowling was there.

 One other giveaway that crime novelist Robert Galbraith was actually JK Rowling was Robert Galbraith's author photo:

[Recycled Twitter Posts via Twitter and Witstream]

Pickle Me, Elmo: The Best Elmo Jokes

And to think I've always was leery of Mr. Noodle.

Things were amiss when PBS discovered Elmo's World was actually Neverland Ranch.

Who knew Time Square Elmo was the normal one.

Dear guy dressed as Batman on Hollywood Blvd: Arrest the guy dressed as Elmo next to you.

Why did Elmo visit Grouchland? The age of consent there is 15.

Also, Sesame Street is actually an avenue.

PBS got suspicious when they realized Kevin Clash's hand was not up an Elmo puppet. And with that joke, I thank you.

[via Twitter and Witstream]

Here's That Screenplay I Wrote on Twitter Last Summer

PLANET OF THE ANTS (c) 2012 @spiegelmania

The Golden Gate Bridge: Ruining Marin County's View for 75 Years

Pictured: The author and the Bridge, Saturday, May 26, 2012. Not pictured: USS Iowa, free Odwalla. 

This summer, SF celebrates 75th anniversary of the opening of the Golden Gate Bridge and the 2nd anniversary of the closing of the Transbay Terminal.

The official color of the Golden Gate Bridge is International Orange. You can tell it's international because it's wearing a fanny pack.

For Golden Gate Bridge's 75th birthday, pedestrians will wear old-timey clothes, bicyclists will ride old-timey bikes and both will yell at each other.

Breaking News: Suburbanites Who Take Tunnel to The City Feel Shunned By Golden Gate Bridge 75th Anniversary Celebration.

Just thinking about the Golden Gate Bridge makes me want to play Grand Theft Auto San Andres again.

Why isn't the Golden Gate Bridge gold? Because the "Golden Gate," which, like most of SF, was probably named after a 1850's prostitute.

[via Twitter and Witstream]

After the jump, videos of the author and the Bridge:

Spider-Man Wants to Join The Avengers

The Avengers never invited Spider-Man to join because Spidey's an emo cry baby.

The Avengers: Here comes Spider-Man! Ignore him, pretend to be playing Pokemon.
Spider-Man: Hi guys! Whatcha doing?
Hawkeye: Pika! Pika!

Hawkeye: Avengers, here comes Spidey, I'll stop him!
*throws box of Uncle Ben's Converted Rice at Spidey*
Spider-Man: Hey, low blow!

The Avengers: Leave, Spidey, we're battling Loki!
Spider-Man: I fought him in Amazing Spider-Man #236.
Hawkeye: You read your own comics?

The Avengers: This is Avengers HQs. Been here before?
Spider-Man: Once, at Halloween. You gave me candy.
Hawkeye: OK, don't cry, Emo baby.

Hawkeye: Sorry, Avengers aren't looking for new superheroes.
Spider-Man: You're a superhero? Were you bitten by a radio-active arrow?

Hawkeye: Talk to Nick Fury about joining.
Spider-Man: How do I reach him?
Hawkeye: Can't hear you over Hulk!
Hulk: Oh, yeah...ARGH!

Spider-Man: One day Avengers and Spidey will work together!
Iron Man: Yeah, on Hollywood Blvd harassing tourists.
Hawkeye: Aw snap!

Loki: As your brother, I'm disappointed in you. Spider-Man told me you wouldn't let him join The Avengers.
Thor: That little snitch!

Avengers: Hey Spidey, check out our new song: "Avengers, Avengers, Does whatever an Avenger does."
Spider-Man: I'll see you in court!

[Recycled Twitter Posts via Twitter and Witstream]

Waiter, There's A Fly in My Soup!

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shh! Not so loud, then everybody'll want one.
Patron: What, they would want flies?
Waiter: No, service.

Nostradamus the Waiter: Doing the backstroke, sir.
Restaurant Patron: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup -- hey, wait a minute?!

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Sir, you're eating a sandwich.
Patron: It happened last week!

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, what would you recommend?
Fly (disguised as the waiter): Try the soup.

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a pony in my soup!
Waiter: A little horse?
Patron: Yes, that's why I ordered the soup!

Restaurant Patron (spills soup on pants, points to zipper): Waiter, there's soup on my fly!

Fly in Soup: It's ironic.
Waiter: What is?
Fly: That for a creature known as a fly, I would die drowning.

Café Gratitude Restaurant Patron: Waiter, I Am Fly in Soup.

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Plus it's canned soup, so you'll pee out high levels of bpa, too.

Cannibalistic Talking Fly: Waiter! There's no fly in my soup!

[via Twitter and Witstream]

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Taboo from Black Eyed Peas

When I'm really bored, I'll pretend I'm Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas.

Hey, guys, it's me, Taboo, from the Black-Eyed Peas. Remember that BEP song that doesn't make you kill yourself? I wrote that!

Taboo from Black-Eyed Peas, here, promoting my memoir, Fallin' Up. My favorite part? The photos of myself. LOL! Just kidding! (Not kidding).

Members of Black Eyed Peas, in descending order of popularity: Fergie, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, photo of Fergie peeing on stage, Taboo.

Taboo trivia: The Black Eyed Peas hired Taboo after the band's auto-tuner committed suicide.

How did Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas get his name? It rhymed with "Who from the Black Eyed Peas?"

What is Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas' favorite Frank Sinatra song? "Witchcraft," because it's strictly Taboo.

Why didn't Taboo from Black Eyed Peas change his name to "Ta.Bo.O"? Because Will.I.Am and Apl.de.ap would call him a poser.

[May 17, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Spin Magazine

Spin Magazine Going Bimonthly:

Where to begin? I wouldn't say Spin Magazine is old, but it's named after the motions of vinyl records.

Editors cite lack of new Bob Mould antidotes.

Will only publish during months of Rocktober, Rocember, Februarocky, Rapril, Jtune, and August.

Quotes Thurston Moore of Sonic Yonic: "This sounds like a load of crap, and I should know."

Publisher cites competition from more relevant magazines, like Pogs Monthly and What's on UPN Guide.

With R.E.M. breaking up, they suddenly have less articles to publish.

Reason given by editors is that the phrase "alternative rock" takes two months to say.

They would remain a monthly but Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers forgot to renew, causing subscription dip.

Magazine would publish monthly but Courtney Love won't return its phone calls.

Feedback from competition has been positive. "It's a hit," says Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine.

[From October 5, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

Pac-Man Funnies [Cartoon]

[via Twitter]

Topiary Maze Gags

Topiary mazes are cool because you get to say "topiary." Topiary.

Never refer to a topiary maze as a labyrinth because people will mistake it for a David Bowie movie.

I like to help out fellow topiary maze solvers by leaving shovels at dead ends.

I look for topiary mazes that have a Burger King by its exit. That way it's easier to solve.

It's considered rude to bring up the movie "The Shining" to topiary maze owners.

[SPOILER ALERT] Solution to topiary maze: ↑ ↑ ← ↑ ↓ → → ↓ ↑ ↑ → ↵ ↑ ↑ ← ↑ ↓ ↑ → →

[via Twitter]

#lameaquamancatchphrases [Photos]

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