Plug: SF Sketchfest 2012

I'll be performing two shows this week at the 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest: 

Wednesday, January 25th, 8pm at the Eureka Theater, it's Laundry Basket & Spiegelman & Friends, starring the comedy duo of Laundry Basket and Spiegelman, with special guests Comedian 4D the Time-Traveling Professional Road Comic, and Rip Van Winkle, America's First Comedian (Rip originally appeared here in Luggage Tuesdays). Tickets.

Updated 1/29: Photos from the show are online here and here!

Sunday, January 29th, I will be cohosting Bad Movie Night with Jim Fourniadis and Sherilyn Connelly at the Darkroom Theater. We're heckling the very odd Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women. Tickets.

Broken Promises

I promise to go to bed right after this cup of coffee.

I promise, while dealing narcotics, to honestly answer the question, "Is this shit good?"

I promise to floss my teeth.

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Taboo from Black Eyed Peas

When I'm really bored, I'll pretend I'm Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas.

Hey, guys, it's me, Taboo, from the Black-Eyed Peas. Remember that BEP song that doesn't make you kill yourself? I wrote that!

Taboo from Black-Eyed Peas, here, promoting my memoir, Fallin' Up. My favorite part? The photos of myself. LOL! Just kidding! (Not kidding).

Members of Black Eyed Peas, in descending order of popularity: Fergie, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, photo of Fergie peeing on stage, Taboo.

Taboo trivia: The Black Eyed Peas hired Taboo after the band's auto-tuner committed suicide.

How did Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas get his name? It rhymed with "Who from the Black Eyed Peas?"

What is Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas' favorite Frank Sinatra song? "Witchcraft," because it's strictly Taboo.

Why didn't Taboo from Black Eyed Peas change his name to "Ta.Bo.O"? Because Will.I.Am and Apl.de.ap would call him a poser.

[May 17, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

100 More Words for Snow

1. Snoh.
2. The White Stuff.
3. Old Coldy.
4. Frostamadoodle.
5. God's Dandruff.
6. Free Ice.
7. Nature's Blow.
8. Shoe Wetter.
9. Solid Steam.
10. Sno-Cone Meat.
11. Tiny Bullshit.
12. Igloo Basics.
13. Sled Stuff.
14. Freezy Weez.
15. Icy Oro.
16. Snow Bunny Poop.
17. Deconstructed Snow Fort.
18. Not Semen.
19. Seriously, It's Not.
20. Settled Sleet.
21. Snow That's Different From Other Snow.
22. Fluffier Snow.
23. Picnic Wreckers.
24. Ant Smotherers.
25. Ski Shit.
26. School Day Spoiler.
27. S.N.O.W.
28. Eskimo Junk.
29. Chillax.
30. Yadda Yadda.
31. #Snow.
32. Snow, featuring T-Pain.
33. "Rain".
34. Snow That's What I Call Music.
35. The Sweet Stuff Where "Sweet" Means Cold.
36. Polish Fire.
37. Finger Numbers.
38. Homemade Flashlights.
39. Snowman Boogers.
40. Emo Water.
41. Christmas Milk.
42. Robot Rusters.
43. As Seen in "Snow Dogs".
44. As Seen in "Smilla's Sense of Snow".
45. As Not Seen in "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves".
46. Disco Ice.
47. Poor Man's Dinner.
48. Sun Haters.
49. Sled Grease.
50. Dog Potty.
51. Rain Gone Viral.
52. White Man's Burden.
53. Christmas Shit.
54. Vegan Mayo.
55. Urine Canvas.
56. White Crud.
57. Swag.
58. Mock Mock Snow.
59. Stuff on Ground.
60. White Fear.
61. God, I just had the strangest dream I was listing new words for snow.
62. Snow.com.
63. Snow.tv.
64. @Snow.
65. "Snow".
66. Snowball Fixin's.
67. Poor Man's Waterbed.
68. Ankle Chillers.
69. Bored Water.
70. Penguin Pavement.
71. Oh-Snay.
72. Tracks Trapper.
73. Coldilocks.
74. Tastier Cottage Cheese.
75. Lame Ice.
76. Sky Blotters.
77. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBEOyuTOxx8
78. Free Dreyer's Ice Cream!
79. Lice Lookalikes.
80. Mr. S.
81. Snow Mama.
82. White Snow Mob.
83. Sno.
84. I Can Believe It's Not Butter.
85. iSnow.
86. Junior High Cocaine (Good stuff, too, man).
87. Snow - BOOM Up All In Your Face!
88. Snow: Soundtrack Inspired by the Weather Phenomenon Snow
89. I should go outside and shovel...
90.
91.
92.
93. God, there's snow everywhere. Can't see shit...
94.
95.
96.
97. Fucking blizzard.
98.
99.
100. Help, I can't see shit!

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Spin Magazine

Spin Magazine Going Bimonthly:

Where to begin? I wouldn't say Spin Magazine is old, but it's named after the motions of vinyl records.

Editors cite lack of new Bob Mould antidotes.

Will only publish during months of Rocktober, Rocember, Februarocky, Rapril, Jtune, and August.

Quotes Thurston Moore of Sonic Yonic: "This sounds like a load of crap, and I should know."

Publisher cites competition from more relevant magazines, like Pogs Monthly and What's on UPN Guide.

With R.E.M. breaking up, they suddenly have less articles to publish.

Reason given by editors is that the phrase "alternative rock" takes two months to say.

They would remain a monthly but Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers forgot to renew, causing subscription dip.

Magazine would publish monthly but Courtney Love won't return its phone calls.

Feedback from competition has been positive. "It's a hit," says Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine.

[From October 5, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

Things to Do 1/4/12

Complete "Things to Do" list from 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011.
Delete entries from Facebook using Facebook Timeline.
Solve murder mystery. (Butler.)
Fix VCR clock.
Write play based on funny tweet.
Grow ironic mustache, yet treat it with geniune respect.
Invent time machine. Get drunk and morose and destroy time machine.
Create new time machine, go back in time, prevent destruction of first time machine, then punch up old "Things to Do" lists.
Stalk famous movie monsters.
Take iPad on a date to the library. Relish the envious glares.
Shower/bathe.
Be less sincere.

Hack List January 2012

• Celebrities. 

• Odorless lavender soap. 

• Hack List December 2011. 

3 Logic Puzzles

1.
A young man approached a guard outside two locked doors, one orange, the other blue.

"Greetings," said the guard. "Behind one door is a lovely princess, behind the other, a man-eating tiger. To discover which room has the princess, you must solve a series of logic puzzles, each more -- "

"Excuse me," interrupted the young man. "But I can't hear you while the tiger behind the orange door is always roaring."

2.
A middle-aged professor posed a logic puzzle to his student. The student says, "Couldn't I spend the time I'd use solving this puzzle on something more productive?"

3.
An old man encountered two guards standing outside a door.

"I only tell the truth," said the first guard.

"We only tell the truth," said the second guard.

"No, only one of us tells the truth, while the other always lies."

"I see," said the old man. "If I can point out who's lying and who's telling the truth, you'll let me go through the door?"

"No," said the first guard.

"We also don't stab old men and eat their organs," said the second guard.

Tomato Jokes 2012

Why did the fried tomato comedian get the light?
Because he was still green.

What's the best way to cut tomatoes down to size?
Call them fat.

How can taking a bath in tomato juice help after being sprayed by a skunk?
It helps kill the smell of tomato juice.