File Under: Salad Jokes
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
No sneakers, demin jeans, baseball caps, track suits, gang colors.
Please respect the surrounding neighborhood when smoking outside salad bar. Keep your conversations down.
Blue dishes are for Kosher Bar only.
Tonight is Dairy Night at Kosher Bar.
Do not place meat on blue dishes.
No grazing.
Coyote Ugly dancing prohibited on counter.
The bartender is always right.
Sneeze guard is not a conversation piece. Do not touch.
Tuesday is no longer Ladies' Night.
City of Los Angeles Health Code: B
No credit.
Do not tip DJ.
Weight of plate deducted from final weighing.
No Irish.
by Mike Spiegelman
Family Restaurant Menu, Part Two: Salads
New! Veggie Greens Salad
Our signature house salad has fresh organic romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onion, green peppers, bean sprouts, and celery. Our least popular dish.
MEATerize Your Salad with MEAT
Add beef strips...add $1.50
Add shrimp strips...add $1.50
Add chicken nuggets...add $.50
Chicken Caesar Salad
Make your date think you're on a diet. Good old predictable chicken Caesar salad.
New! BLT Salad
Experience your favorite sandwich...as a salad!! We take strips of crispy bacon, carefully layer bacon in between slices of tomato and lettuce, and serve it within our patented edible square toast plate. We then top it with another piece of toast and serve with Miracle Whip dressing. Again, not a sandwich.
New! MBA Salad
The finest business majors created a fresh research-backed, focus groups-approved medley of iceberg lettuce, bacon, frosting, onion rings, baby corn, and Zac Efron.
New! Junk Dunked Taco Salad
Our ensalada del taco has 1/3 lb refried seasoned ground beef, smothered in spicy shredded cheese, jalepenos, artifical guacamole spread, and corn chips, and placed in an edible taco bowl. Then, to make sure there's still no vegetables in this salad, the chef will personally dunk his junk in each salad.
Salad Bar
Please obey salad bar rules, posted.
Our signature house salad has fresh organic romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onion, green peppers, bean sprouts, and celery. Our least popular dish.
MEATerize Your Salad with MEAT
Add beef strips...add $1.50
Add shrimp strips...add $1.50
Add chicken nuggets...add $.50
Chicken Caesar Salad
Make your date think you're on a diet. Good old predictable chicken Caesar salad.
New! BLT Salad
Experience your favorite sandwich...as a salad!! We take strips of crispy bacon, carefully layer bacon in between slices of tomato and lettuce, and serve it within our patented edible square toast plate. We then top it with another piece of toast and serve with Miracle Whip dressing. Again, not a sandwich.
New! MBA Salad
The finest business majors created a fresh research-backed, focus groups-approved medley of iceberg lettuce, bacon, frosting, onion rings, baby corn, and Zac Efron.
New! Junk Dunked Taco Salad
Our ensalada del taco has 1/3 lb refried seasoned ground beef, smothered in spicy shredded cheese, jalepenos, artifical guacamole spread, and corn chips, and placed in an edible taco bowl. Then, to make sure there's still no vegetables in this salad, the chef will personally dunk his junk in each salad.
Salad Bar
Please obey salad bar rules, posted.
File Under:
family restaurants,
menu,
parody,
salad jokes,
satire,
Spiegelmania
Choose Your Own Timeshares Adventure by Ed Packing
Page 67
Chapter 37
Outside the Treasure Cove
You've made it at last. Finally you arrive outside the treasure cove. Inside will be riches beyond imagination. You think, "I did it, me." And it's true, you did it, you.
If you enter the treasure cove, turn to page 68.
If you are tired of paying for a timeshare you don't use, turn to page 70.
Page 68
Chapter 38
Entering the Treasure Cove
A thought enters your mind: wait, I can resell my timeshare for money? You need more information, information provided from a free-no-strings attached one-hour semimar.
Turn to page 70.
Salad Bar Jokes
File Under: Salad Jokes
A head of lettuce walks into a salad bar. Bartender says, "We got a garden outside named after you."
The head of lettuce says, "Really? You got a garden named 'Romaine?'"
A head of lettuce and a head of Chinese broccoli are sitting at a salad bar during happy hour. Suddenly the lettuce stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to me after you people bombed Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese broccoli says, "That wasn't the Chinese, that was the Japanese."
The lettuce says, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
A couple of minutes later, the broccoli stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to you after you people own all the banks."
The lettuce says, "That wasn't lettuce, that was the Jews."
The broccoli says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A 14" heterosexual cucumber accidently walks into a gay salad bar. A young studly tomato walks up to him and says, "Hey, sexy. Can I buy you a drink?" The cucumber gets uncomfortable and says, "What are you, some kind of fruit?"
A head of lettuce walks into a salad bar. Bartender says, "We got a garden outside named after you."
The head of lettuce says, "Really? You got a garden named 'Romaine?'"
A head of lettuce and a head of Chinese broccoli are sitting at a salad bar during happy hour. Suddenly the lettuce stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to me after you people bombed Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese broccoli says, "That wasn't the Chinese, that was the Japanese."
The lettuce says, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
A couple of minutes later, the broccoli stands up and says, "I can't drink with you next to you after you people own all the banks."
The lettuce says, "That wasn't lettuce, that was the Jews."
The broccoli says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A 14" heterosexual cucumber accidently walks into a gay salad bar. A young studly tomato walks up to him and says, "Hey, sexy. Can I buy you a drink?" The cucumber gets uncomfortable and says, "What are you, some kind of fruit?"
Family Restaurant Menu, Part One: Appetizers
New! Boneless Pizza Fries
New and improved, now without bones. (Sorry about the bones.)
New! Ruffalo Wings
Before your meal, enjoy the above-average, complex, moody taste of actor Mark Ruffalo. Comes with Sunrise Coigney dipping sauce.
New! New England Nacho Eggrolls
Nachos are America's favorite appetizer, and now they are shaped like America's second favorite appetizer, with a wisp of New England wicked pisser chipotle sauce.
New! Bacon Strips
8 crispy sizzling strips of bacon, served without garnish.
Add Bacon...$1.50 extra
New! Brownies
Eat a plate of brownies before dinner.
Add Bacon...$1.50 extra
New for Kids! Mr. Potato Head's Potato Skin Heads
Add color to your kid's face with our white powerful snack. Sponspored by Hasbro, Pixar and the National Alliance.
New and improved, now without bones. (Sorry about the bones.)
New! Ruffalo Wings
Before your meal, enjoy the above-average, complex, moody taste of actor Mark Ruffalo. Comes with Sunrise Coigney dipping sauce.
New! New England Nacho Eggrolls
Nachos are America's favorite appetizer, and now they are shaped like America's second favorite appetizer, with a wisp of New England wicked pisser chipotle sauce.
New! Bacon Strips
8 crispy sizzling strips of bacon, served without garnish.
Add Bacon...$1.50 extra
New! Brownies
Eat a plate of brownies before dinner.
Add Bacon...$1.50 extra
New for Kids! Mr. Potato Head's Potato Skin Heads
Add color to your kid's face with our white powerful snack. Sponspored by Hasbro, Pixar and the National Alliance.
File Under:
family restaurants,
menu,
parody,
satire,
Spiegelmania
Learning Annex Classes
How to Make Friends at Learning Annex Classes
Learning Annex reveals the friend-making secrets of joining Learning Annex classes. No needy.
Write Your Own Family Circus Captions
Don't give Bil Keane the last laugh. His Family Circus panel sure is funny, but you know funny. Create your own 'tag-lines' and alter content just like shit-heel hipsters did fifteen years ago.
How to Drink
Be a charming drunk. Learn to pour Jim Beam into empty beer bottles at socials. Don't buy at the same liquor shops. Come on, it's only 2 in the morning. I know a place.
Hide the Sausage, But Eat the Cream
Learning Annex's most popular class about keeping a kosher kitchen.
Learn Irony
Irony isn't about conflicts contrasted comedically, like 'rain on your wedding day.' It isn't using air quotes, stop doing that. It wasn't that scene in 'Reality Bites' or saying 'whatever' every time I complain about irony. You make me sick.
File Under:
catalogs,
parody,
satire,
seminars,
Spiegelmania
Actual Mail
God's Letters to Children
Dear Natalie,
Thank you for your letter. Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Hopefully you are still alive. Oh, wait.
SuXX0rs,
God
Dear Kenneth,
I do exist. And if you want to bring up science and logic, well then, logically, if I don't exist, why did you mail me a letter?
Checkmate,
God
Dear Amir,
The simple nature of existence means humanity must
Santa's Letters to God
Dear God,
Sorry to interrupt that last letter but, hey, dude. This gag of yours, "God's Letters to Children," well, it's a total rip-off of the "Santa's Letters to Children" bit I did in 1991. See example, Attch.
Santa
Santa's Letters to Children
Dear Perry,
I can't get you that new single "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice. It is too popular right now.
Santa Claus
Warner Bros Pictures Marketing Department to Fred Claus' Producers
Is this some sort of Viral Campaign for Fred Claus?
For this bit, imagine being in a mall with a working P.A. system.
Attention Mall Security. Attention Mall Security. Code Brown in the wishing well. Code Brown in the wishing well.
Attention Mall Shoppers. There's a phony Santa loose who is not a mall employee and it's only June. Do not accept gifts.
Attention Mall Security. Attention Mall Security. Code Chester at the Pottery Barn Kids.
Code Fresh Batch at Dunkin' Donuts. Calling in Fresh Batch.
Attention Mall Shoppers. Frank Stallone will not be signing Bar Fly DVDs at Border's today at 4 due to the fact his shift at Border's starts at 3.
Attention Mall Security. Attention Mall Security. Code Brown in Santa's Village. Code Brown in Santa's Village.
Attention Mall Shoppers. The arcade has been closed for 10 years. If a pale teenager challenges you to a game of Street Fighter, decline. He is in fact, a ghost.
Security, there's a Code Beaver at Lane Bryants Fitting Room C. Code Beave.
The mall will be closing in 15 minutes. Party at Rick's house.
Code Brown, Parking Lot C. It doesn't look like any dog did it, either.
Attention Mall Shoppers. There's a phony Santa loose who is not a mall employee and it's only June. Do not accept gifts.
Attention Mall Security. Attention Mall Security. Code Chester at the Pottery Barn Kids.
Code Fresh Batch at Dunkin' Donuts. Calling in Fresh Batch.
Attention Mall Shoppers. Frank Stallone will not be signing Bar Fly DVDs at Border's today at 4 due to the fact his shift at Border's starts at 3.
Attention Mall Security. Attention Mall Security. Code Brown in Santa's Village. Code Brown in Santa's Village.
Attention Mall Shoppers. The arcade has been closed for 10 years. If a pale teenager challenges you to a game of Street Fighter, decline. He is in fact, a ghost.
Security, there's a Code Beaver at Lane Bryants Fitting Room C. Code Beave.
The mall will be closing in 15 minutes. Party at Rick's house.
Code Brown, Parking Lot C. It doesn't look like any dog did it, either.
Soft Rock Hits of the Future
Co-Worker #1
When it comes to the radio, we don't like to listen to hard rock of yesterday
Co-Worker #2
Or the pussy rock of today.
Co-Worker #1
That's why at work we listen to K N O W, playing the soft rocks hits of the future.
Co-Worker #2
K N O W plays the soft hits of 2010s, 2020s and beyond.
Co-Worker #1
From Artists like Robot Britney Spears...
Robot Britney Spears
"I used to be a human girl like you"
Co-Worker #2
Alan Jackson, Jr...
Alan Jackson
"Where were you when World Trade Center 2 fell down, again?"
Co-Worker #1
Cher
Cher
"Don't breathe the green fumes/The green fumes are toxic"
Co-Worker #2
And Great Grand Daddy Yankee
Great Grand Daddy Yankee
"No Gasolina/En la futura, no hay gasolina"
Co-Worker #1
K N O W, music for people in the K now.
(c) Mike Spiegelman
When it comes to the radio, we don't like to listen to hard rock of yesterday
Co-Worker #2
Or the pussy rock of today.
Co-Worker #1
That's why at work we listen to K N O W, playing the soft rocks hits of the future.
Co-Worker #2
K N O W plays the soft hits of 2010s, 2020s and beyond.
Co-Worker #1
From Artists like Robot Britney Spears...
Robot Britney Spears
"I used to be a human girl like you"
Co-Worker #2
Alan Jackson, Jr...
Alan Jackson
"Where were you when World Trade Center 2 fell down, again?"
Co-Worker #1
Cher
Cher
"Don't breathe the green fumes/The green fumes are toxic"
Co-Worker #2
And Great Grand Daddy Yankee
Great Grand Daddy Yankee
"No Gasolina/En la futura, no hay gasolina"
Co-Worker #1
K N O W, music for people in the K now.
(c) Mike Spiegelman
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)