Your baby's diaper is so poopy, RFD-TV named it Fertilizer of the Year.
Your baby's diaper is so poopy, Disney's gonna remake it with Tim Allen.
Your baby's diaper is so shitty, it aired on television as "Viva Laughlin!"
Your baby's diaper is so full of shit, it got a job at the HR Department at a temp agency.
Your baby's diaper more packed with shit than two chili Spicy Big Bites, a
SnackSize bag of Ranch Doritos, and a Mountain Dew.
Your baby's diaper leaks so much shit that something something the Coast Guard. Or something Greenpeace. Never mind, baby's crying.
More baby jokes from Luggage Tuesdays:
"Your baby is so cute..."
Beginners' Baby Sign Language
Live Baby Jokes
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 11: Kids Menu
by Mike Spiegelman
Non-Emergency Numbers
In case of emergency, please call 911.
Occasionally a conflict might not be life-threating, and thereby considered a "non-emergency." Calling specialists in particular fields would be more appropriate. The following is a partial list for any "non-emergency." For your convenience, blank spaces have been provided where readers can personally write down phone numbers, conviently found alphabetically elsewhere in this phone book. Or call 411.
Sheriff's Office _____________________
Deputy Sheriff's Office _____________________
Deputy Sheriff's Cell Phone Number _____________________
Fire Department, Chili Cook-Off Division _____________________
CSI: Miami Field Office _____________________
Boy Scouts Sea Scouts of Berkeley, CA _____________________
Poison Control Test Kitchen _____________________
Beaver Patrol _____________________
Free Clinic, Timeshares Presentations _____________________
Crackhouse Directory _____________________
Suicide Prevention/Nightlife Music Listings _____________________
Homeland Security _____________________
GameStop _____________________
Lemon Fresh Joy Information Line _____________________
Prom King Tuxedos _____________________
Andy Dick's Publicist _____________________
Ex-Girlfriend _____________________
Keebler Elves _____________________
Occasionally a conflict might not be life-threating, and thereby considered a "non-emergency." Calling specialists in particular fields would be more appropriate. The following is a partial list for any "non-emergency." For your convenience, blank spaces have been provided where readers can personally write down phone numbers, conviently found alphabetically elsewhere in this phone book. Or call 411.
Sheriff's Office _____________________
Deputy Sheriff's Office _____________________
Deputy Sheriff's Cell Phone Number _____________________
Fire Department, Chili Cook-Off Division _____________________
CSI: Miami Field Office _____________________
Boy Scouts Sea Scouts of Berkeley, CA _____________________
Poison Control Test Kitchen _____________________
Beaver Patrol _____________________
Free Clinic, Timeshares Presentations _____________________
Crackhouse Directory _____________________
Suicide Prevention/Nightlife Music Listings _____________________
Homeland Security _____________________
GameStop _____________________
Lemon Fresh Joy Information Line _____________________
Prom King Tuxedos _____________________
Andy Dick's Publicist _____________________
Ex-Girlfriend _____________________
Keebler Elves _____________________
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 4: Hamburgers
Crave burgers? Darn tootin', Pardner, ya crave burgers. Betcha this is the first place ya eye-balled on this here menu parody. Yee haw! Our burgers get rustled up 100% organic beef at our signature private ranch, where cattle roam on an open range and lives cruelty-free, as defined by the Bush Administration. Yee haw! SOME MIGHT SAY OUR HAMBURGERS ARE WHY PEOPLE NEVER FORGET [insert silly family restuarant parody name here].
CLASSIC BURGER
Our signature burger since 1983.
CLASSIC w/CHEESE
DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
JUNK DUNKED DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
NEW! MODERN CLASSIC
The Classic goes kickin and screamin into the 21st Century with this delicious update. It's the same Classic you know and love, but this time without any painful laxatives.
BACON BURGER
Tangy, crispy, flavorful bacon desperately masks our lackluster meat. Mustard and cheese help, too.
Add overpowering Southwestern Bar-B-Que sauce...$1.50
Add bacon...$1.50
NEW! HAWAIIAN BURGER
Say aloha to a burger topped with pineapple, bacon, and Continental American Cheese. Not available on December 7th.
RETRO! BURGERTIME BURGER
Our chef climbs ladders and avoids walking pickles to drop oversized hamburger layers off scaffolding, for some reason.
NEW! BUSINESS WOMAN'S BURGER
That's a hamburger patty, scoop of cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf, and a TAB.
NEW! ALTERNATIVE! Live105 105FM ALTERNATIVE ROCK BURGER ALTERNATIVE!
PATTY MELT
Like the music you listen to, you're different, and so is this burger. It has grilled onion, like you, and the bun's actually rye bread, which is ironic. It's the kind of burger Morrisey would eat, when he's not pretending to be a Mexican herbivore.
NEW! WEST COAST PIZZA BURGER
This hamburger uncannily tastes like California pizza: it's really shitty and fake, and not as good as the East Coast Pizza Burger.
NEW! OPEN FACE BIG EASY CHILI BURGER
We replace the top bun of the Kaiser roll of this burger with meaty chili. A portion of the top bun will be donated to the Katrina Disaster Relief Fund.
GARDEN BURGER
It's people! The Garden burger's made of people.
CLASSIC BURGER
Our signature burger since 1983.
CLASSIC w/CHEESE
DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
JUNK DUNKED DOUBLE CLASSIC w/CHEESE
NEW! MODERN CLASSIC
The Classic goes kickin and screamin into the 21st Century with this delicious update. It's the same Classic you know and love, but this time without any painful laxatives.
BACON BURGER
Tangy, crispy, flavorful bacon desperately masks our lackluster meat. Mustard and cheese help, too.
Add overpowering Southwestern Bar-B-Que sauce...$1.50
Add bacon...$1.50
NEW! HAWAIIAN BURGER
Say aloha to a burger topped with pineapple, bacon, and Continental American Cheese. Not available on December 7th.
RETRO! BURGERTIME BURGER
Our chef climbs ladders and avoids walking pickles to drop oversized hamburger layers off scaffolding, for some reason.
NEW! BUSINESS WOMAN'S BURGER
That's a hamburger patty, scoop of cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf, and a TAB.
NEW! ALTERNATIVE! Live105 105FM ALTERNATIVE ROCK BURGER ALTERNATIVE!
PATTY MELT
Like the music you listen to, you're different, and so is this burger. It has grilled onion, like you, and the bun's actually rye bread, which is ironic. It's the kind of burger Morrisey would eat, when he's not pretending to be a Mexican herbivore.
NEW! WEST COAST PIZZA BURGER
This hamburger uncannily tastes like California pizza: it's really shitty and fake, and not as good as the East Coast Pizza Burger.
NEW! OPEN FACE BIG EASY CHILI BURGER
We replace the top bun of the Kaiser roll of this burger with meaty chili. A portion of the top bun will be donated to the Katrina Disaster Relief Fund.
GARDEN BURGER
It's people! The Garden burger's made of people.
2007 Most Popular Pitches Told By SF Soup Company Employees Who Pass Out Free Soup Samples at Stonestown Mall, San Francisco, CA
Good afternoon, sir. May I offer you a free soup tasting?
Soup's on...us.
Soup in a piping hot thimble?
Get your soup on. Get your soup on.
Soup D'Jour, gratis!
Merry Christmas. Free soup?
Please use the sample spoons. Soup spoons are for purchases only.
Who wants refills?
Soup's on...us.
Soup in a piping hot thimble?
Get your soup on. Get your soup on.
Soup D'Jour, gratis!
Merry Christmas. Free soup?
Please use the sample spoons. Soup spoons are for purchases only.
Who wants refills?
What's cheaper than a billboard and classier than a city bench?
Your advertisement in the phone book!
The phone book was just voted 2007 Book of the Year by patients with OCD and PTSD. #1 among RightChat 590 AM Listeners.
Reach millions of phone users. Those talkers' eyeballs will smell like foot traffic right in your company's hands, and that's revenue you can taste.
Lawyers - Gain the respect you deserve. Let the world see your 1-800 number!
Hotels - Our Art Department will retouch photos. Eliminate crusty bed stains.
Private Schools - Get the enrollment you crave.
Ideal for Pizzerias * Taxi Depots * Stalking Goods Stores
Call our Marketing Department for more.
Se Habla Espanol.
Por ejemplo, yo quiero un Monster Taco, por favor.
The phone book was just voted 2007 Book of the Year by patients with OCD and PTSD. #1 among RightChat 590 AM Listeners.
Reach millions of phone users. Those talkers' eyeballs will smell like foot traffic right in your company's hands, and that's revenue you can taste.
Lawyers - Gain the respect you deserve. Let the world see your 1-800 number!
Hotels - Our Art Department will retouch photos. Eliminate crusty bed stains.
Private Schools - Get the enrollment you crave.
Ideal for Pizzerias * Taxi Depots * Stalking Goods Stores
Call our Marketing Department for more.
Se Habla Espanol.
Por ejemplo, yo quiero un Monster Taco, por favor.
Family Restaurant Menu, Part 3: Sandwiches
New! Vegetarian Pick! Meat-Free Veggie Pile-Up
Celebrate your new vegetarian lifestyle with our edible alternative to red meat. Our giant veggie meal piles up organic slices of scrod, catfish, tilapia, salmon, shrimp, and mussels, drenched in fish broth-based oyster sauce. Served with French Fries in gravy.
New! Tuna or Chicken Salad Sandwich
We forget which. The label fell off -- you tell us.
New! BLT Salad Sandwich
Experience your favorite salad...as a sandwich!! We take a bowl of our BLT Salad, and toss it into two pieces of bread. Again, not a salad.
New! Club Sandwich
Our two-tiered treat joins the club with thick slices of turkey, ham, bacon, and Swiss cheese. Club sandwich not allowed for women.
New! BLECH Sandwich
It's Bacon, Lettuce, Egg, Cheese, and Horseradish. Ask for it by name.
New! Chicken Caesar Salad Philly Cheese Steak
Indulge in an Eastern state's favorite. Good old predictable chicken Caesar salad.
New! Cousin Reuben's Reuben Sandwich
Oy, don't be a shlemiel. Show some chutzpeh, shlimazel, and nosh on our mashugga Reuben Sandwich. It's farkakte corned beef to plotz for, a shlepping schmear of kraut and a putzful of hecka good Russian dressing. Made by the Chinese kitchen staff.
Add Bacon...$1.50
Classic! Grilled Cheese
Now you can brag to your vegan friend, that as a vegetarian, you get to eat two items on this menu, and not just the house salad.
New! Mama Meatball's Spaghetti and Meatball Grinder
Mama Meatball! Paisan, manga Mama's old country favorite: some spaghetti, some meatballs, some gravy on a Jersey roll. Made by the Mexican kitchen staff.
New! Spicy Buffalo Chicken Ranch
Try our two-story 3BR, 2 half bath pinewood ranch, surrounded by 150 acres of Wyoming land, ideal for free-range buffalo and chicken.
New! Turkey Healthy Hero
Cheat death with turkey, the miracle substitute meat.
New! Cousin Reuben and Mama Meatball's Daughter Kristen's Whatever Pita
Like I don't know why my folks want me to make food and stuff but like that's not me so like whatever you can finish my gyro.
The Phone Books Are Coming! The Phone Books Are Coming!
It's that time of the year again. Yes, the new phone books are here!
With the new phone books, you can:
- ORDER PIZZAS
- CALL TAXIS
- STALK WOMEN
That's not the only three things you can do with a phone book. You can also:
- Recreate that scene of The Jerk with Steve Martin
- Absorb any unannounced domestic flooding
- Rip in half to impress stalkable women
Don't take our word for it, here's actual testimonies:
"If I look closely at the names and numbers, I can decode messages from the Knights Templar, just like in dem Nicolas Cage movies."
- A. Hillbilly, Branson, MO
"It's like my cell phone's directory assistance, but it's untraceable and I don't have to talk to no out-sourced Indian."
- A. Hillbilly, Jr., Hollister, MO
"Something something stalking women."
- J. Callback, Funnier In Threes, NV
Pages Color-Coded For Convenience: White, Yellow, Blue, Pink. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
MAPS TO CITY HALL AND THE PUBLIC LIBRARY AND HOW TO GET TO CITY HALL FROM THE PUBLIC LIBRARY AND VICE VERSA.
PLUS: PIZZA HUT COUPONS!
Rejected Listeners' Questions for the NPR Radio Democratic Debate in Iowa, 12/4/07
This is the annoying guitar song about each candidate.
With my repetitive guitar strum, it's bound to surely grate.
One Democrat wants to win the state,
Other Senator thinks she's great.
It's time for the NPR Radio Debate!
Do you believe in this book? Finnigan's Wake by James Joyce?
Regarding capital punishment, what would Terry Gross do?
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