Plug: Mike Spiegelman performs at SF Sketchfest 2013

Excited to be part of the country's best comedy festival. I'll be performing in three shows:


Monday, January 28th, 8pm (tonight! buy tickets here!)

Killing My Lobster/Mission CTRL/ Hosted by Two Hot Mics
Eureka Theater, San Francisco

Celebrity impersonator Mike Spiegelman (playing himself) can’t get a break, until Sir Michael Caine (celebrity impersonator Colin Mahan) joins him onstage and teaches him acting. In the end, Spiegelman discovers it’s ok to be himself and Colin discovers it’s better to remain someone else.

Tuesday, February 5th, 8pm 21+ (buy tickets)
SF Sketchfest Presents The Layover Comedy
Layover Music Bar and Lounge




Only East Bay show at SF Sketchfest.
Hosted by Mike Spiegelman.
Featuring comedians
Conor Kellicut (Woody Allen's new movie)
Nato Green
Kaseem Bentley
Cara Tamontano
Kevin O'Shea
Stroy Moyd
Colleen Watson
Lydia Popovich.

With DJBC.
Special appearance by Nenna "FeelMore510" Joiner.
FiveTenBurger truck will be there.


Sunday, February 9th, 7pm (buy tickets)
A Funny Night For Comedy! With Natasha Muse

A Funny Night for Comedy is a live action late-night talk show featuring Natasha Muse (“Best Tranny Comedian,” SF Weekly) and sidekick Ryan Cronin. Every second Sunday of the month they (along with house band Mike Spiegelman and the Euphonic Cacophony, Sign Master Brian Fields, and Kirsten the Stage Manager) welcome the brightest up-and-coming comedians of the Bay Area (and beyond) in a warmly weird evening filled with stand-up, sketch, and improv. It’s the only show in San Francisco (possibly the world) where the price of admission includes delectable homemade fried chicken as well as a slice of delicious lemon cake because we don’t just want to make you laugh, we want to make you happy.

With guests Julia Hladkowicz and Matt Davis.

Previous: Plug: Sketchfest 2012, Video from 2012 show, [Shameles] Plug: Fresh Robots Reunite For SF Sketchfest 10th Anniversary Show     

Hanging With My Tweeps 12: Turkey Bacon with @Lazer_Foxx

This week, we talk turkey...turkey bacon, that is. Over a sizzling pan of God's cruelest breakfast meat, Mike runs over some basic Twitter tips before Colin @Lazer_Foxx Mahan pops up and plugs their upcoming SF Sketchfest show.

Hanging With My Tweeps 11: #DontBotherMeWhen with @RichDreyling

Berkeley comedian Richard Dreyling join host Mike Spiegelman to live tweet. They are joined by cats and small children.

Hack List January 2013

• Restaurants that have a bookcase of cookbooks in their restrooms.
• Buying and selling gold.
• Taking alchemy lessons.
• Hack List April 2012.

Televised Typos: The Best Screengrabs of Poor Proof-Reading

NFL Playoff's [sic] News.

Cold algutenin [sic].

"THIS SHOW IS HILARIOUS" John Stewart [sic].

[Updated]

Children Cruisade [sic]. 

FITTNG [sic] ROOM.

Furture [sic] Focus.

Aristotele [sic].

Live Nude Review [sic].

Well [sic] add a chance to win $1000 in cash to your plans.

A puss-filled [sic] blister.

Twice-friend-and-mashed [sic] green plantains.

Grammy nominsted [sic] album Divided By Night.

Reasonable Crimes That Succeded [sic].

Company Shrimp and Mushroom Pasta. 

["Paula's Best Dishes"] 

This exclusive collection of TV's tortured text originally appeared as a regular series in Luggage Tuesdays under the heading "From The Editor."  Photos by Karen Spiegelman. Her editing rate is quite reasonable.

Awkward

A One-Man Play for Two Actors

Mark Twain is at his desk, writing.

Mark Twain
(writing in his journal) The coldest winter I've ever spent  was...(notices audience). Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is Samuel Clemens.

Enter Ben Franklin

Ben Franklin
Early to best, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and... (notices audience) Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is Benjamin Franklin.

Mark Twain
(noticing Franklin) Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is...

Ben Franklin
Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is...

Ben Franklin (overlapping)
...Ben Franklin.

Mark Twain (overlapping)
...Samuel Clemens.

Mark Twain
Awkward.

Jokes About A Poisonous Snake Biting This Guy's Friend's Penis (NSFW)

Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys right on his dick.

"Call a doctor," said the man, as the snake slithered away.

His buddy calls the doctor. Doctor says, "You have to suck out the poison thoroughly or your friend is going to die!"

Dude hangs up the phone, turns to his pal, and says, "I've got some bad news. Doctor says we have to 69."

Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys on his dick and won't let go. The guy falls down.

"I better call a doctor," said his friend.

"Not yet," said the guy.

(As told by Gus Van Sant)

The morning sun touches the arid desert. Two friends walk. They don't say much. They walk past cacti and odd-looking trees and driftwood and shrubbery. When they do speak, they share a joke together: they call each other Gerry. The sun rises, warping the air. They walk.

Then a snake bites one of the Gerrys on the dick. That Gerry looks at the other Gerry. The other Gerry looks at the first Gerry. Snake looks at Gerry - I forget which one. Then the snake slithers away.

Sick, Gerry walks. They both walk. As the sun returns to the horizon, Gerrys walk. Gerry dies in the desert. The other Gerry walks to the edge of the highway. The end.

Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the dudes' cock.

"Kill that snake," the injured man told his friend.

"No, don't!" cried the snake.

"You're a talking snake?" asked the man.

"I was a Hollywood starlet until an old witch turned me into a snake," said the snake. "The only way to turn me back is to bite your dick."

"What Hollywood starlet are you?"

"Reese Witherspoon."

"Who?"

"How old are you?"

"We're 21."

"OK, I'm Jennifer Lawrence."

Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the bro's hose, then slithers away.

"Ouch!" said the victim.

"Ha!" said his mate. "Did you ever see Snakes on a Plane?"

"Call a doctor!"

His mate pulled out his cellphone but doesn't call.

Finally, the snake-bitten bro said, "Have you called the doctor?"

"Not yet," said his mate. "First I'm posted on Facebook a clip of Snakes on a Plane that was edited for TV. Instead of saying 'motherfucker,' Samuel Jackson's saying 'Monday Friday.'"

Hanging With My Tweeps 10: #ItKillsMeWhen

First episode for the New Year and it's a good one. Bay Area comedian Stefani Silverman (@stefsilverman) and host Mike Spiegelman (@spiegelmania) reveal their beefs, thanks to the hastag meme #ItKillsMeWhen.

Here's the tweets:

Meet the Internet [January 2013]

Welcome to Luggage Tuesdays, a humor site I've run since 2007. I'm Mike Spiegelman.

There are many ways to view new content without going to the site:

RSS Feed - add it to your RSS reader.
Facebook - get notified on your favorite website.
Twitter -  get notified on my favorite website.
Friendfeed - remember Friendfeed?

Podcast - Using text-to-speech technology, Odiogo.com transforms written posts into audio mp3s. I've been using this service for 4 or 5 years now.

Want to view old content?

Archives - on the right-hand side of the site is an Archive button (file cabinet icon), but I prefer using the Twitter page which lists all posts with links.
Best of Luggage Tuesdays - Taking the Twitter page as archives concept a little further, I've "starred" the best material, which can be found on the Twitter account's Favorites page.
Compilations - I've complied old material and posted it on Scribd. There are embedded below.

Want even more content?

Ebaumsworld - I've been blogging there.
Hanging With My Tweeps - Live weekly video podcast. I post them on Luggage Tuesdays.
Luggage Tuesmblrs - Official Tumblr site. Lots of stuff that wouldn't fit the official site.
Other Tumblr sites: Fuck Yeah Victoria Jackson, Aw Snap!, @Spiegelmania, Layover Comedy Night, The Bitter Show.


Superhero Parody 2012 Annual

Restaurant Menu Parody

The Mike Spiegelman Joke Book

Offensive But Empowering Jokes (NSFW)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is floating in the ocean?
You call him a MAN!

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many Polacks as it TAKES!

Things to Do 1/2/13

• Solve Zork II.
• Start Zork III. Get pissed off at "the waiting at the shore" puzzle.
• Listen to music your parents like. DON'T TELL THEM, THO.
• Complete "Things to Do" list from 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012.
• Return porn DVD to library.
• Phone library. Tell them it was a horrible mistake.
• Use phrase "How Pinteresting!" less often.
• Do something worthwhile this year.

From the Luggage Tuesdays cookbook: Bread Crumbs

You're preparing dinner. Could be fried chicken. Could be meatballs. But at one point, your recipe will call for bread crumbs. You reach for the cylinder of bread crumbs and out pours a glittery cascade of dull sawdust. It doesn't look like fresh bread crumbs. A thumb's dab into the mix confirms a salty preservative kick. And the results? Tastes like perfect good chicken and meatballs got fucked over by store-bought shitballs. Don't fall for the three big myths of The Bread Crumb Media. No, I won't keep my voice down. Yes, I'm typing what I'm saying.


Bread crumbs help guide you home: MYTH.

If the story of Hansel and Gretel has taught us anything, birds will eat the trail of bread crumbs and the remaining bread crumbs are hard to see at night. 

Bread crumbs are less lethal to pigeons than rice: MYTH.

Bread crumbs, insists The BCM, are the healthy alternative to rice for pigeons during wedding receptions. What "Pepperidge Farm" forgets is that pigeons are very depressed and suicidal and understand full well what rice has on them.

Bread crumbs make good binders: MYTH.

Not when there's oatmeal, matzah meal and crushed Ritz Crackers. 

Recipe for home made bread crumbs

It's not necessary to use stale bread. That was going to be the fourth Bread Crumb Myth.

Ingredients

Bread, 2 slices
Sheddred cheese (optional)
Chopped parley (optional)
Pot butter (optional)

PREP TIME: 2 seconds.
COOKING TIME: 3 hours.
TOTAL TIME: 3 hours and 2 seconds.

Conventional Oven:
Take two slices of bread.
Put in oven.
Don't turn on oven.
Wait three hours.
Heat from oven pilot light should had dried out bread.
Place bread in plastic bag.
Roll baking pin over bag. Punch bag when needed.
Add cheese, herbs, pot butter (optional).

Microwave:
Place two slices of bread on microwaveable plate.
Press BREAD CRUMBS button on microwave.
Eat pot butter (optional).


For an even more delicious taste, substitute homemade bread crumbs with store-bought panko bread crumbs.