Magicians' Secrets. Secrets Magicians Keep Secret from You, the Fish.

Many bars offer food during happy hour. The price of one cocktail or beer also covers peanuts, Chex Mix, or olives. Look for buffet offerings at taverns in more broken-down neighborhoods.

Pencil erasers make replacemnts for lost earring backs.

The first date makes a lousy time to reveal actual occupation. Tell them you're a magician only after doing it. Break the news at a quiet public place, like at a surburban buffet.

Parking in the city has never been easier on Sundays. Simply locate a church and double park outside it. Meter maids will think your car is one of the parishioners'.

Heat canola oil in skillet before adding chopped onions. When the onions become translucent, then whisk in spices. Chopped onions are available at any buffet.

Super-Villains Missed Connections

Saw you in the magazine aisle at Long's 10/22 - w4m - (Beverly Center, Hollywood)
Me: fighting Ms. Patriot near the pharmacy section, emitting Sonic Blows. You: reading GQ. So cute, never knew men still read that. Coffee?

No Name Sushi, Asian Girl - m4w - (Church Street)
You watched me lose a battle to superhero Super Captain Seven. I think you're Japanese, or Korean, but please don't be offended by my rascism. After all, I am the Mighty Xenophobe.

*****Brunette Man being tossed around by Incredible Hulk *** - m4m (Former downtown Pittsburgh)
You were in a blue Toyota by where the Trader Joe's used to be. The Hulk lifted your car and threw you to me. Destiny? Email me the Ring Master36 at yahoo.com.

Space Marine Named Woodman - ?4m (Space Dimension Alpha)
Enjoyed talking to you, albiet briefly. Didn't intend to eat your squad, either. Was having a bad tentacle day. Never got to hear your answer to my inquiry, "What is love?"

On Bus Route 38 (San Francisco)
Yesterday morning. Me: Off to refight superhero Blonde Bombshell. You: reading paper, blonde hair, hot legs. Winds up we have the same burn mark on our faces. Destiny or coincidence?

Party Girls at Lincoln Memorial - m4w -(Dee Cee)
You 4 girls were tight Friday night. I was the second henchman to the right of the Ultimate Major Z. If you see this post let me know!

Previously...on Fibber McGee and Molly

"I don't like the looks of that hall closet!"

"Hurry, Central! Connect me to Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve!"

"Let's go. I'll just go get my coat from the hall closet."

Famous Last Words, in a Cemetery

"Where are my car keys?"

"This gravekeeping job is wearing me out. I'll just take a quick nap before the boss arrives."

"Did you hear that?"

"Ha, ha, guys, very funny...Guys?"

"Huh, so I'm pissing on the gravestone of Jason Voorhees. Who's Jason Voorhees?"

Things to Do on a Budget

1. Talk about high gas prices.

2. Rent VHS over DVDs.

3. Rob local restaurants.

TIPS 4 through 10 available only to premium subscribers.

Introducing Luggage Tuesdays on blip.tv

With Muxtape gone (R.I.P), Luggage Tuesday now hosts audio of live performances of your favorite humor posts on blip.tv.

Performed by the author.

Currently posted:
My Alka-Seltzer is So Old...
Ask Dr. Hot Plate
Broccoli Jokes 2008
Solution to Yesterday's Sudoku Puzzles

New recordings will be posted and available as a podcast.
Subscribe to the free Luggage Tuesdays podcast:
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Miro

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.6: Brunch: Sunday Comics Brunch Menu

Due to legal reasons, we are unable to include the visual images of Sunday newspaper comics promoting our brunch specials. Here are vague transcriptions:

Sardonic Cat
Pet Owner: Got a date today with Marci!
Sardonic Cat: Yeah, right.

Pet Owner: Gonna go out for brunch!
Sardonic Cat: Do even you know what brunch is?

Pet Owner: Sure, it's the sound you make when you munch on something cold.
Sardonic Cat: Oy. Wake me when it's Tuesday.

Three-Ring Family
Mother: Who ate my waffle brunch platter?
Little Boy: It wasn't me.
A ghost with the words "It wasn't me" written on it: Mmm, those waffles were good!

Light-Colored-Hair Girl and Her Bum of a Husband
Husband: I hope my boss doesn't catch me sleeping at my desk.
Boss: (entering office): Gadtree!

Husband: I can explain, Boss!
Boss: Explain what? We're late for brunch!

Husband: Oh boy, brunch! I'm going to make one of my famous Gadtree sandwiches!
Boss: What's in it?

Husband: Ham, turkey, roast beef, salami, bologna, Swiss cheese, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, 4 slices of bread, and toothpicks with olives in them.
Boss: Egads, how did you come up with that?

Husband: I have OCD.
Boss: !!!

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.5: Brunch: Letters to the Editors of the Sunday Brunch Menu

Editors,
Your recent parody of Personality Parade by Walter Scott plays down the unhealthy dangers of breakfast pancake sandwiches ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.3: Sunday Celebrity Solicitation Section by Sir Walter Scott"). Why, one McGriddle alone has 21 grams of fat and 245 milligrams of cholesterol. Breakfast pancake sandwiches are no laughing matter.
A. Renegade

Editors,
Bring back the votive candles. Don't allow the actions of a few bad teenagers to alter the brunch policy. Also, bring back baskets of free shelled peanuts.
Tony

Editors,
Your Double Double Lumberjack contains 8 links of sausage. That's too many links of sausage. I say, no on 8.
Tony

Editors,
Your breakfast side of bacon has only 4 strips ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 8: Breakfast"). You'd need to double that to keep me satisfied. When it comes to strips of bacon, vote yes on 8.
Name Placeholder

Editors,
Whether you're for 8 strips of bacon or against 8 links of sausage, it's still inappropriate to discuss private breakfast choices at a public brunch.
The Hostess

Editors,
As a life-long resident of Van Nuys, I was insulted by your recent limerick ("Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.2: Brunch Poetry"). You make it sound like our residents are appeasers just because "Nuys" rhymes with "spies." For shame.
Name Placeholder

Editors,
Please let our waitress know we are ready for the check.
Table 6

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.4: Brunch: Brunch Time Theater insert

This restaurant proudly presents live entertainment every Sunday morning at 10:30 am.

First Sunday of the month:
Open Mic Stand-Up Comedy
Comedians wait their turn and don't order drinks. Sign-up 5:30 am. Featuring Creepy the Comic, Emotional Life Waster, and Mike Spiegelman.

Second Sunday of the month:
Murder Mystery
Actors stay in character and walk up to your table and emote something about a crime. Was the lonely librarian murdered or was it just food poisoning like the cops say? Do not tip or feed the actors.

Third Sunday of the month:
Jazz Brunch
Enjoy the ramblings of local jazz trios. Alternates with Piano Bar Sunday, depending on how high the bassist and drummer are.

Fourth Sunday of the month:
Open Mic Spoken Word Poetry
Sign-up 5:30 am. No comics allowed.

Fifth Sunday of the month (when applicable):
Employee Meeting
Middle management answers questions from the waitstaff.

To Marketing
From Legal
We don't hold a cabaret licence and fail fire safety standards required to present live music or entertainment. Do not print up any inserts.

From Marketing
To Legal
Too late.

From Legal
To Marketing
Did you by chance go forward in time and include this email thread in the printed insert, too?

From Marketing
To Legal
Yes.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.3: Brunch: Sunday Celebrity Solicitation Section by Sir Walter Scott

Dear Sir Walter,
What has celebrity brunch entree sausage pancake sandwich been doing lately? I bet my buddy a steak that it's not even on the menu.
Hungry in Astoria

Dear Hungry,
Better get dressed, because you owe your pal a steak dinner. But seriously, not only is sausage pancake sandwich on the menu, but it will soon come with options, according to publicist Angie Lipton. "We see great cheese and egg choices in the future," says Lipton.

Dear Sir Walter,
Who was that brunch entree seen with bowl of hot oatmeal on a recent commercial?
Drunk in Bloomfield

Dear Drunk,
Sources close to oatmeal say it was none other than plate of bacon, but they are just good friends.

Dear Sir Walter,
Is that really lox on the menu? Isn't that crap expensive?
Concerned in Fairfax

Dear Concerned,
You're right. It's really whitefish dyed red with sliced phonions and copy-capers.

Well, that's my time. I've enjoyed my guest spot in this menu, and if you enjoyed it too, look for my regular column in the glossy magazine found inside most national Sunday newspapers. Also, my novel Ivanhoe is now available on Amazon Kindle, and check out my blog.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.2: Brunch: Brunch Poetry

New! Eggs Benedict
There once was a man from Van Nuys
Who only ate food named for spies.
Named after a traitor boss
Were eggs in hollandaise sauce,
Served with Neville Chamberlain fries.

New! Eggs Florentine
It's Eggs Benedict
With spinach and tomatoes,
Cheese and no muffin.

New! Poetry Slam Egg Skillets
I'd like my eggs
To be served
on a metal skillet.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9.1: Brunch: Fun-Facts about Brunch

* Brunch was discovered in 1868 by Dr. Brunchenstein.

* According to Wikipedia: "Brunch traditionally begins an hour after breakfast and before Howard Stern."

* Celebrities born during brunch include character actor David Morse and physicist Albert Einstein.

* To turn any breakfast into brunch, simply cook your meal and wait outside your apartment for an hour before seating. Serve meal cold and with an attitude.

* Once upon the nineteenth century in New York state, a gentleman ordered a side of fried 'taters that came out too thick for his liking. He personally complained to the Indian cook about his meal and demanded thinner-sliced fried potatoes, which was considered blasphemy at the time. The cook sliced the skinniest chips from a potato, fried them in lard, and heavily salted them. The gentleman took one bite and was so impressed, he personally took the cook out for brunch. That gentleman was none other than Dr. Frito-Lays. The Indian cook was never heard from again. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact his family at 1-866-MIS-COOK.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 9: Brunch

Served 10:30-2:30 Sundays only.

While management encourages reading and poetry listening during brunch, there is a strict 30-minute seating limit for each table. When the time is up, another party can claim the space by running up to the table and grabbing the chairs, like they do in southern Europe.

To discourage reading outside materials, our brunch menu has been written in styles popularly read after church.

Not to be combined with the Early Bird Specials, Valuez Menu, or the discontinued Siesta Snacks.

WE DON'T CARRY THE SUNDAY TIMES.